Feels Thread

Watching your parents get older is pretty rough. I live with mine to save money while I pay off my student loans and it's incredibly disheartening to see the figures in your life that were once Supermen and Wonder Women slowly age and grow weaker. Whether their minds lose that sharp wit that they once had or their bodies growing older.

My mother was just acting erratically at midnight and didn't feel well with odd breathing. I helped her down the steps and had to make certain that she was okay. She's the foundation that my family is built on and it's terrifying to see her act like that. My father is already doing poorly due to his medical condition(COPD) and his crippling addiction to cigarettes, so I've been bracing myself for when the inevitable happens.

I'm supposed to wake up and gym in about 5.5 hours and all I can think of is if she'll be all right.

I totally feel you Jeroth, I'm a bit older than you and my parents probably are a bit older as well. It drives me crazy seeing my dad not take care of himself and ignore my constant nudging to start being healthier. He's had a long term illness that's not serious but forces him to take medicine everyday which is super bad for his kidneys so he especially needs to eat better and workout but nope. On the other hand my mom works out maybe too much, I can't really complain but she's constantly sore and she can't figure it out that she can't push herself so hard but oh well. I wish I could get them to balance things out, my dad today was suddenly super dizzy and instead of letting us take care of him he sat down for a few minutes and then decided he was taking us out for dinner, but refused to let any of us drive. He's a stubborn ass sometimes, but without him I don't know what anyone in my family would do, he literally is taking care of both my mom's siblings, and his step grandfather financially on top of taking care of him and my mom's stuff.

I swear parents are so frustrating, they spend our entire childhood telling us what to do but when it's their turn to listen they refuse.

EDIT: Something I don't tell many people is one of the reasons I'm getting as strong as possible is so if the time comes I can carry my parents. My grandma when she got sick needed to be carried sometimes (like from a wheelchair into bed and upstairs a few times) and I wasn't strong enough at the time to help. I so desperately want to be able to do that for my parents.

Jeroth said:

Watching your parents get older is pretty rough. I live with mine to save money while I pay off my student loans and it's incredibly disheartening to see the figures in your life that were once Supermen and Wonder Women slowly age and grow weaker. Whether their minds lose that sharp wit that they once had or their bodies growing older.

My mother was just acting erratically at midnight and didn't feel well with odd breathing. I helped her down the steps and had to make certain that she was okay. She's the foundation that my family is built on and it's terrifying to see her act like that. My father is already doing poorly due to his medical condition(COPD) and his crippling addiction to cigarettes, so I've been bracing myself for when the inevitable happens.

I'm supposed to wake up and gym in about 5.5 hours and all I can think of is if she'll be all right.

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It's a consistent conflict when you continue to live at home for a significant period of time. You get to spend more quality time with your loved ones but you also see that time slipping away and that sucks. It's an uncomfortable duality but sometimes I think it's better to see rather than to be distant from it as you can take note and make an effort to make the most of your time with them. It says a lot about you Jeroth that they're both constantly in your thoughts and you are doing all you can to do your part. I hope that your friends and fellow forum members can provide you an ear if you need some support.

The Hound said:

I totally feel you Jeroth, I'm a bit older than you and my parents probably are a bit older as well. It drives me crazy seeing my dad not take care of himself and ignore my constant nudging to start being healthier. He's had a long term illness that's not serious but forces him to take medicine everyday which is super bad for his kidneys so he especially needs to eat better and workout but nope. On the other hand my mom works out maybe too much, I can't really complain but she's constantly sore and she can't figure it out that she can't push herself so hard but oh well. I wish I could get them to balance things out, my dad today was suddenly super dizzy and instead of letting us take care of him he sat down for a few minutes and then decided he was taking us out for dinner, but refused to let any of us drive. He's a stubborn ass sometimes, but without him I don't know what anyone in my family would do, he literally is taking care of both my mom's siblings, and his step grandfather financially on top of taking care of him and my mom's stuff.

I swear parents are so frustrating, they spend our entire childhood telling us what to do but when it's their turn to listen they refuse.

EDIT: Something I don't tell many people is one of the reasons I'm getting as strong as possible is so if the time comes I can carry my parents. My grandma when she got sick needed to be carried sometimes (like from a wheelchair into bed and upstairs a few times) and I wasn't strong enough at the time to help. I so desperately want to be able to do that for my parents.

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Your parents both sound like amazing people, taking on that much responsibility while continually pushing themselves. It's very frustrating when you know there are steps they could take to improve their health but refuse to take action. On one hand, it's very admirable but on another, it's very flustering and you just wish they would give in and let go of the original parental dynamic.

To your credit Matt, it takes a lot of drive and motivation to keep up that level of commitment to work out. I'm sure your folks are proud of you and for what its worth I find it a very admirable thing to do and strive for.

Okay those last two posts got me. I don't have much of family life, but oof. That sounds heart-wrenching.

The Hound said:

He's a stubborn ass sometimes, but without him I don't know what anyone in my family would do, he literally is taking care of both my mom's siblings, and his step grandfather financially on top of taking care of him and my mom's stuff.

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I understand that. My dad is the same way, but the issue is that he's forgetful and absent-minded. He's not as smart as he used to be (He was an electrical engineer that built nuclear power plants). He refuses to swallow his pride and asks for help, insisting that he knows better.

The Hound said:

I swear parents are so frustrating, they spend our entire childhood telling us what to do but when it's their turn to listen they refuse.

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They absolutely are. That's what kills me, man.

The Hound said:

EDIT: Something I don't tell many people is one of the reasons I'm getting as strong as possible is so if the time comes I can carry my parents. My grandma when she got sick needed to be carried sometimes (like from a wheelchair into bed and upstairs a few times) and I wasn't strong enough at the time to help. I so desperately want to be able to do that for my parents.

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Jeeze.. I understand what you mean. My mother and I basically had to drag my grandmother to the car to get her to the hospital. I never considered that though and now I need to make certain that I can be strong that I can help my parents when that happens now.

Milamber said:

It's a consistent conflict when you continue to live at home for a significant period of time. You get to spend more quality time with your loved ones but you also see that time slipping away and that sucks. It's an uncomfortable, but sometimes I think it's better to see rather than to be distant from it as you can take note and make an effort to make the most of your time with them. It says a lot about you Jeroth that they're both constantly in your thoughts and you are doing all you can to do your part. I hope that your friends and fellow forum members can provide you an ear if you need some support.

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It very much is. Thank you for understanding, Milamber. I appreciate your advice. It's just frustrating since I can't really force my Dad to quit. As terrible as it sounds, my mother and I just feel like we're stressed out and waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off. He's been to the hospital and he's doing breathing treatments, then he'll just get up and go have a cigarette. It's mind-blowing and I've just honestly grown apathetic. I know that I can't influence him to stop so we're just stuck in the mire of time.

I try not to really talk too much about it since I like to keep the mood light, but after last night, I was just really worried and needed to vent. Luckily my mother is entirely fine and is back to cooking and being up and about.

Jeroth said:

It very much is. Thank you for understanding, Milamber. I appreciate your advice. It's just frustrating since I can't really force my Dad to quit. As terrible as it sounds, my mother and I just feel like we're stressed out and waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off. He's been to the hospital and he's doing breathing treatments, then he'll just get up and go have a cigarette. It's mind-blowing and I've just honestly grown apathetic. I know that I can't influence him to stop so we're just stuck in the mire of time.

I try not to really talk too much about it since I like to keep the mood light, but after last night, I was just really worried and needed to vent. Luckily my mother is entirely fine and is back to cooking and being up and about.

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I'm glad your mothers recovered and is in better form. It's infuriating when you're doing all you can to help someone and they actively undermine your efforts. It doesn't sound terrible, its something that you've been living with and no matter what anyone says its a valid combination of feelings to have. You can invest a lot in an individual both physically and emotionally but there will always come a point where your reserves dry up. Don't beat yourself up for feeling apathetic or feel you have to keep quiet to keep the mood light. You have needs to my dude.

I have to go sleep now but I hope people have your back.

Hey, I love you guys so I really hope that everything that y'all are going through right now, all the tough times that y'all are in, I hope they pass sooner than later and that you guys are able to see your family, your parents, and everybody be happy and healthy cuz it's just really shitty going through all that. My grandparents are in the same boat, my grandpa is going senile a bit. It's tough, but you guys have my support.

(Also voice to text on my phone is fucking nuts dudes.)

@Requiem My advice would be to start considering these moments with your grandfather as the last moments of his life, even if he goes on to live for another 10 years. Do things he likes to do with him as much as you can. It will be a lot less painful that way.

My grandfather was living with me since I was born and was like my second father and taught me chess and golf, neither of which I've played more than once or twice since he lost the ability to play them, physically or mentally. He died 5 years ago but he was barely really a person since like 10 years ago. He had Parkinson's, dementia, and Alzheimer's too I think and was having paranoid delusions and stopped recognizing us. Point is, his body and brain were shutting down and we sped it up by giving him as many cookies as he wanted, which was like a box a day because he might as well die a little happier and a little faster. He lived a year past when he was supposed to when he was put on hospice, but his last week was really miserable.

In happier news, I have an interview with another software company tomorrow afternoon.

Whitetiger said:

@Req My advice would be to start considering these moments with your grandfather as the last moments of his life, even if he goes on to live for another 10 years. Do things he likes to do with him as much as you can. It will be a lot less painful that way.

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The advice is appreciated, but my grandpa is... well, he's who he is. I think he's luckily managed to avoid actually going senile, but he does have a tendency to just not understand the world at all. We're riding that line between him just being an asshole and being senile.

My grandpa isn't a bad dude, but he's extremely old-fashioned and just doesn't understand how the world works now, so him going a little senile definitely sucks, but I never really had much of a relationship with him. That's just not who he was. He gave me and my sister math homework one time when we went to go stay at their place and basically just made us do chores the whole time we were there. We were basically 11 and 10 years old, I forget the actual ages. It was summer and we were on vacation from school, yet he made us do math of all things. He's also not a teacher, he just pulled math out because he thinks he's really good at math.

Eh, anyways, not a lot of feels for me on that side of things. I love the idea of my grandfather and that he takes care of my grandmother and that he was also a good stepdad after my biological grandpa died, but in the end, as callous as it is to say, I'm not too fussed at the thought of his death. Like, my grandma, when she dies, I'll be torn to pieces, hell even my grandparents on my dad's side who I barely talk to, when they go, it'll tear me up. When my grandpa on mom's side goes... eh, well, I say it won't affect me, but I'm sure it will, just maybe not on the same level of my other grandparents. I've got more of a bond with all of them than I ever did with him, sadly. He's just not that kind of man.

Whitetiger said:

@Requiem My advice would be to start considering these moments with your grandfather as the last moments of his life, even if he goes on to live for another 10 years. Do things he likes to do with him as much as you can. It will be a lot less painful that way.

My grandfather was living with me since I was born and was like my second father and taught me chess and golf, neither of which I've played more than once or twice since he lost the ability to play them, physically or mentally. He died 5 years ago but he was barely really a person since like 10 years ago. He had Parkinson's, dementia, and Alzheimer's too I think and was having paranoid delusions and stopped recognizing us. Point is, his body and brain were shutting down and we sped it up by giving him as many cookies as he wanted, which was like a box a day because he might as well die a little happier and a little faster. He lived a year past when he was supposed to when he was put on hospice, but his last week was really miserable.

In happier news, I have an interview with another software company tomorrow afternoon.

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I'm glad you got another interview and hope it goes well. I'm sorry about your grandfather, saying it sounds like a difficult time for you seems like an understatement.

Requiem said:

The advice is appreciated, but my grandpa is... well, he's who he is. I think he's luckily managed to avoid actually going senile, but he does have a tendency to just not understand the world at all. We're riding that line between him just being an asshole and being senile.

My grandpa isn't a bad dude, but he's extremely old-fashioned and just doesn't understand how the world works now, so him going a little senile definitely sucks, but I never really had much of a relationship with him. That's just not who he was. He gave me and my sister math homework one time when we went to go stay at their place and basically just made us do chores the whole time we were there. We were basically 11 and 10 years old, I forget the actual ages. It was summer and we were on vacation from school, yet he made us do math of all things. He's also not a teacher, he just pulled math out because he thinks he's really good at math.

Eh, anyways, not a lot of feels for me on that side of things. I love the idea of my grandfather and that he takes care of my grandmother and that he was also a good stepdad after my biological grandpa died, but in the end, as callous as it is to say, I'm not too fussed at the thought of his death. Like, my grandma, when she dies, I'll be torn to pieces, hell even my grandparents on my dad's side who I barely talk to, when they go, it'll tear me up. When my grandpa on mom's side goes... eh, well, I say it won't affect me, but I'm sure it will, just maybe not on the same level of my other grandparents. I've got more of a bond with all of them than I ever did with him, sadly. He's just not that kind of man.

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It's a funny thing with grandparents, they often spew very extreme views but I often give them a free pass. As I know the world changed very quickly for them at a certain point in their lifetime and they're trying to keep up but don't always succeed. It's very mature of you Req to be able to recognise the good your grandfather has done even though you don't have a strong relationship with him.

Also, I don't think its callous to say you what you feel. I think it would be more disingenuous to force yourself to act in a way that's not true to yourself. Who knows, maybe your relationship with your family may change in the future. If not you still have the close ties you forged with your grandma and that's something to cherish.

Matt/Hound - Today at 12:36 AM
I think Dunsparce's whole persona is almost a RP

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I'm "depersonalized." I feel like I'm sitting in a dark room with a vr headset strapped to my face, forcing my to watch some guy's boring life through his eyes. I have a really hard time feeling anything, or caring about anything.

Dunsparce said:

I'm "depersonalized." I feel like I'm sitting in a dark room with a vr headset strapped to my face, forcing my to watch some guy's boring life through his eyes. I have a really hard time feeling anything, or caring about anything.

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To a degree, everyone can relate to a feeling of disconnect or detachment. By repeating the same beats in life, it can even become dull or monotonous and if we let it fester long enough we can obtain an apathetic attitude.

On the plus side, we can change that even if its only temporary. We can find a new passion, hobby, career. The possibilities are endless, the difficulty for many people is finding a reason to justify this change (which you don’t need one) or finding a reason to care enough to do it in the first place.

Dunsparce while you find it difficult to feel or care, you are capable of doing so. I don’t know your history particularly well but if I recall correctly you had several diagnoses which relate to these issues.

(If I’m wrong disregard as appropriate)

If that is the case, have you spoken to anyone about this recently that can help you manage this?

Just to let you now, I’m glad you’ve stuck around.

Yo @Jeroth how was that last crazy month?

Also @Requiem HOW IS THE POST COLLEGE LIFE DAMMIT?

Colonel Thunder said:

Yo @Jeroth how was that last crazy month?

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Went to a convention which was really nice. I got my small asian friend shitfaced and had a good time dancing with a girl in a virgin killer sweater.

The last weekend was very nice at the start. Here's the brief rundown:

Wednesday: 7 hour drive to Massachusetts, had dinner with my family and sister-in-law. Got tipsy and had a good time with my brother and sister-in-law boosting my confidence about how I looked and how good it was to see me.

Thursday: Day before wedding. Dinner rehearsal and met the in-laws. They were pretty chill. Helped them set up, took photos and got relatively tipsy/drunk. Went and drank more while meeting brother's friends. Sloppiest that I've been but I was fine. Got back okay and slept for hours.

Friday:
Incredibly hung-over. Thankful the wedding was at 6:30. Got breakfast with my Aunt and Uncle while hungover and mumbling. Went back upstairs and laid there drinking water. Wandered outside and walked half a mile for ice cream and coffee. Ran into brother's friend and wife from the other night. Got ice cream and coffee. Walked back. Got prepared for the wedding and photos. Dad was struggling with steps and had trouble breathing. Drove down to pick him up and dropped him off.

Actual wedding went well. Tried my hardest to not embarrass myself in front of my brother's millionaire boss. Ended up networking with my brother's friends/coworker. They both insisted to shoot them an email later in the week about who I was, where we met and my interests for job placement. One of them was a grown ass man who is a Director of business development in labratory services. The other guy was roughly five years older than me, looked like Rob Lowe, and bonded with me. We laughed about how we struggled to get into different fields and discussed how ridiculous it is to get a job along with the lack of loyalty for companies. I got more photos and a video of the first dance. The food was ballin'. I drank a fair amount and got some good photos of the landscaping (Beautiful area.) I met the only single girl there who adored my brother and his wife and was incredibly blunt. Spent some more time before heading back. Dad was agitated and didn't have his medication. He was argumentative and my mother was upset from how he was acting.

Go back to my hotel via the shuttle bus since I wanted to avoid my folks since they were having arguments. On the shuttle bus with the single girl and the Rob Lowe doppelganger along with some others. Single girl wants to go out and drink more but there's nothing open. Night ends and I change out of my tuxedo, put on more casual clothes and go knock on her door. She opens the door, slightly surprised and asks what's up. I thank her for her honesty and end up talking to her about how I appreciated her honesty and talked with her more about the arts and my passions in terms of the Arts. Her and I spoke at length about it and she mentioned how I should pursue it since it seems like the one thing I get really excited about. We talk about life in general, struggling, order and chaos. Overall, she heads to bed and I go outside to mellow out and enjoy the night sky since it's a small town and you can see stars (Bad idea: Mosquito bites suck, yo.) After about 5-10 minutes, I head back in since I have brunch that I forgot about.


Saturday: Wake up early, get breakfast before brunch, shower and feel accomplished. Get a text that my Dad's hernia popped out and my mom needs an ice bag. Nearest CVS is about half a mile away and the shuttle arrives in 8 minutes. I sprint down the street, rush to a CVS, struggle to find an ice bag and run back catching the shuttle at the other hotel. Sweating with an ice bag in hand, I board the bus to see Rob Lowe look-alike and chill indian anesthesiologist. Smol Single Girl gets on at the other stop and I talk to the three of them about model UN and get good business advice. Get there and my brother and his wife are late, so I have to play host.

I start drinking mimosas, asking about life and gliding in conversation. More people show up and I nervously look at the time, since I want to deliver this ice bag down the street to my parents. Brother and wife show up, I hug him, tell him that I'll be back in a bit, casually leave before bursting into a sprint to get to the hotel. My father is in bed, pale and wheezing. My mother looks panicked. I get the ice bag, get ice, fill it and get more ice. My mother asks me to head back and that he'll be all right. Jog back to join them and have a few more mimosas and lunch. My brother pulls me aside and we go to see my Mom and Dad. We drag my mom out for a drink after making sure he's okay(TM). My brother comes back and asks the anesthesiologist about certain anesthesia when it comes to COPD patients and we get my mom a drink. People start filtering out and we head back.

Mom tries to wrap wedding gifts and my dad rests while the "kids" go out. We get coffee, I get ice cream, they get christmas ornaments as gifts for my folks. Come back, open wedding gifts. We drive to the in-laws and I want to go with them since I want to avoid arguments. They gladly take my along. I take photos, help with everything else. We ask the mother-in-law advice for when it comes to my Dad's condition and then I get a text and call from my Aunt. Apparently my Dad isn't doing well. Brother and his wife drive the three of us over. Go to check on him and he looks terrible. We start to gather the advice for what hospital to take him to.

To give context: My dad is incredibly stubborn and stingy and frequently refuses medical treatment)

9:00 PM: He gets up out of bed and immediately vomits green with specks of black. My brother immediately calls 911. Dad vomits a total of four times.
~9:15-20 PM: Ambulance shows up.
~10:00 PM: He gets delivered to the hospital that we wanted to avoid since my sister-in-law's grandfather was killed there due to lack of precaution on their end.
~11:00 PM: Tests have run and they think that a chunk of his intestine slipped out through the hernia. They believe there's a chance that it could be dead and they prepare for emergency surgery to fix it.
~12:00AM: Dad is promptly drained of all the bile. About 500 mL of bile is drained from him.
~2:00 AM: Surgery is a-go. We are not told how long it would take. He gets moved. We go to the private waiting room near the critical care unit.
~3:00 AM: My brother is pacing and cursing under his breath. His wife is asleep. My mother is frantic. I'm currently pacing and visiting the chapel inside of the hospital. I give a half-ass prayer standing in front of the cross.
~3:15 AM: I return to the chapel give a casual prayer on my knees. Brother is practically standing in front of the surgery entrance doors.
~3:30 AM: I find myself visiting the chapel, give the sign of the cross, kneel down and recite the Lord's Prayer, ask for a safe surgery and for my father's pain to be eased. Start to reading pamphlets on dealing with loss.
~3:45AM: I start staring with my brother and pacing as my mother looks nervously at the clock.
~4:00 AM: I walk back to check on my Mom. The Surgeon casually waddles out and goes: "he's good." My mother is relieved; I started sprinting and yell at my brother. My brother runs over, looks at the surgeon and hug him tightly.
~4:15AM: My dad is okay, witty and cracking jokes. We make sure he's okay, find his room in the main hospital, and leave him because we need to leave.
~4:45 AM: Get into the car, look for breakfast places.
4:58 AM: Stare inside of a coffee shop as they try to open.
5:00 AM: I eat quiche, blueberry muffin and cranberry juice as we talk about plans. It may take a few days to recover and we were supposed to leave today. Oh.. by the way:


Sunday Morning

~6:30 AM: Drop my mother off at her hotel, leave a message to extend the hotel another day. Leave a voicemail.
~7:15: Get dropped off and my brother calls the innkeeper to let me stay a day.
~7:30: pass out.

I stay in bed and sleep until the afternoon and deal with shoddy internet as I try to get over what happened. Eventually roll out of bed to have a triple of ice cream and a large frozen coffee. Stop and get pizza on the way. Hear back from my family around 6:30 for a plan. Visiting hours end at 8 and my mother needed to shower. I go to get food and have clam chowder with a fish sandwich to go at 7. I get a slice of pizza for my mom before we speed over. We get to the hospital at 7:48 and visit him for an hour. My mom is hungry and so am I. She has two bites of the pizza and we drive to McDonalds. We get good food and I drive her to a Cumberland farms to get yogurt/milk. I get a few protein bars and soda. I stubbornly take my protein bars, soda and fish sandwich to my room. THIS IS WHERE I MAKE MY GRAVE MISTAKE: I eat the fish sandwich. I think everything will be okay. I watch some stuff and go to bed after feeling weird.

Monday: I wake up and feel off. My stomach feels off and I start showering. I realize what I did wrong and head downstairs to check out in time. We go to my Mother's room where I wait. My brother is dropping off my Dad and I'm feeling weak. I swaddle myself in a blanket. My mother thinks I'm overreacting since she thinks it's really hot. I had a bad fever. I mention the fish sandwich and tartar sauce issue. She scolds me. My dad shows up, we say good-bye to my brother because he's going on a month-long honeymoon in europe. When he leaves, my dad immediately asks for his medication and a pack of cigarettes. This starts the long 6-7 hour drive back where Dave is sleeping, sweating, shivering and stumbling his way through rest stops while nibbling on bland cookies, crackers and ginger ale with water. I make it home, take a long shower, sleep. I wake up, sweating and feeling weak, have some rice and sleep more.

Tuesday: I wake up sweaty but feel fine otherwise. I did nothing but game and relax. My stomach feels fine now.


Anyway, I meant to make a short post, but this turned out to be long.

Christ you have a good memory. I can't remember what I had for dinner last night.

Also glad your dad's okay. Sounds like a sucky time, especially right after a wedding.

@Jeroth hows your dad doing?

And mang. Visiting my parents over the years has only gotten more and more depressing. I know I'm a lousy kid if I don't bother to visit at least once or twice a year, so I do that. But fuck me, all I can think about right now is how I'd prefer to be almost anywhere else.

Major oof. I admittedly did not expect to see that much emotional vulnerability displayed by you, uh, ever. That is a gold-plated certifiable bad time. You have to move back to hometown, or are you sticking around in the states?

@Tirin I'm sorry you've had it so rough. It's clear this girl means a lot to you and from your base impression, sounds like an amazing person. I don't know the reasons for the amicable separation, but it was significant enough to put a hold on the relationship. Probably, because it will affect you both one way or another. If you try to pursue the relationship further you'll find it complexes the dynamic further still and could ruin any possible future relationship you may have. This doesn't mean you have to become cold hearted and stop feeling anything towards her. It just means you have to be careful what you say when you are around her, you can reassure her and be straight about the situation with her but you can never take away any guilt or insecurities she may have. And that sucks!

I'm glad you're still trying to keep your friendship going. Just be careful my dude because it's going to be emotionally draining and taxing as you previously stated. The best you can do is focus on your own insecurities and examine the situation with grad school and your finances.

I've 0% experience with relationships so you may want to take this with a pinch of salt. However, If its any encouragement its much better to be out of an environment that's legitimately affected you in a negative way even if there is a financial cost. Can we do anything to help you on that front?

Colonel Thunder said:

Major oof. I admittedly did not expect to see that much emotional vulnerability displayed by you, uh, ever. That is a gold-plated certifiable bad time. You have to move back to hometown, or are you sticking around in the states?

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Moved home and took the L. Managed to get out of it relatively unfucked, and actually made the decision at the perfect time such that I could come back to school here. Realistically, I got extremely lucky - I had like, the best circumstances possible with bailing and it really saved my ass re: the general stress of that decision.

And yeah, well, it's been a rough few months. Just doing what I can to get back on my feet after falling down the stairs of life.

Milamber said:

I'm glad you're still trying to keep your friendship going. Just be careful my dude because it's going to be emotionally draining and taxing as you previously stated. The best you can do is focus on your own insecurities and examine the situation with grad school and your finances.

I've 0% experience with relationships so you may want to take this with a pinch of salt. However, If its any encouragement its much better to be out of an environment that's legitimately affected you in a negative way even if there is a financial cost. Can we do anything to help you on that front?

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Thanks for the advice, and the support. I mean... I've never felt like this about anybody before and it's a hell of a learning experience. She doesn't want me to leave her and I don't want to leave her, and if we can only go forward as friends then that's a hell of a lot better than losing somebody I really care about. Maybe we'll be able to be together in the future, but at least for now I've gotta try and let that thought go or at least not express it. It's damaging to what we are now.

I won't be needing any like, finance help or anything. Realistically I'm actually doing quite well for myself; I've got like ten grand in the bank that's my money, which is more than enough to finance another big move or something in the future - it's just that that situation is a lot worse now than it was at the end of the summer, in general.