A Very Teal Christmas

[Colonel Thunder]

A Very Teal Christmas is a series about how everyone's favorite time god must save Christmas. I wrote it in like, the tail end of 2012 or 2013 I think. Whenever we were pretty new to Geek2. Anyways, there's about 25 chapters, so I'll post one every day or so as we get closer to Christmas, because that'll be fun.



Cold-Blooded: A grumpy Tirin walks to Req's house while his own home is under renovation. Meanwhile, Kratour and Scarvexx plot to attack Farful and Milamber.

Computer Froze: As he walks, Tirin encounters a bickering TC and Nifty, a sober Tropag, and several others. Stealthy blows off an invitation to watch the raising of the Christmas tree in favor of a day with Spiffums.

Humbug: Tirin witnesses the raising of a Christmas tree in town square, as well as several forumer antics. Tirin gets into a decisive scuffle with Ciflit.

Slam-Jammed: Tirin wakes up while staying at Req's house to find an intruder.

Naughty Children: After initial hopes of a simpler problem shatter, Tirin tries to dissolve the situation while Req comes up with an intricate plan.

Nothing Left to Sleigh: Tirin explores Santa's sleigh while Req explains the reasoning for his plan. Tirin gathers a few pieces of equipment, but something precious is lost.

That's Kind of Racist: Tirin and Req go to Andy's house in hopes of acquiring a replacement sled and reindeer.

Silent Night: Tirin makes his first stop as substitute Santa at Ro3minion's house. Things don't go according to plan.

It'll Do In a Pinch: After several successful runs, Tirin finds himself in a pinch with an unpleasant substance.

Mods: Two moderators, paranoid 13thforswarn and laid-back Sideshow Bob, monitor suspicious activity on the forum. They receive a distressful call.

Probably a Communist Too: After analyzing their progress, Tirin and company encounter a deadly foe. A battle in the sky ensues.

The Last Homely House: Tirin is surprised to meet with a good friend, and gives him a powerful gift.

But Only In My Dreams: Tirin must deliver a present to Stealthy's mansion, but the planned party isn't quite what Stealthy had earlier made it to be.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Teal Christmas Chapter 1


"Really? So that's why they call it gingerbread?"

"Yup. Pretty weird huh?"

"Yeah. All this time I thought it was because they put ginger in it."

"Ha," Farful laughed. "No, that'd be gross."

Milamber was going to walk inside, but he didn't want to stop talking to his friend so suddenly and so continued the conversation. Two spies gazed down at them from the flat marble roof of Town Hall.



"Oh Scarvexx, this is gonna be great," said Kratour. He passed his comrade the binoculars and reviewed their arsenal. "It's about eight snowballs each. You think you can throw 'em fast enough?"

"Hold on, hold on," said Scarvexx. He motioned towards their targets. "Tirin's coming up fast. I don't wanna risk hitting him."

"Nah, he'll be fine. Just aim carefully and wait for my signal." Kratour paused. "Wait, is he just wearing a t-shirt?"

"I think so."

"Huh."



"Hey Tirin!" Farful greeted. "Lovely day we're having."

"Bah," Tirin put his hands in his pockets. "Sucky day if you ask me. My house is getting renovated so I have to crash at Req's for the night."

"Nice," said Milamber. "I bet it'll look really good when it's done."

"I guess. I didn't want to do it anyways, but Wolfy kept bitching about it."

"Wait, Tirin," said Farful. "Are you seriously wearing just a t-shirt out here? I mean, it's a beautiful day and all, but it's freezing man."

Tirin shrugged.

Milamber started to comment on the strange weather but he caught a dense snowball in his temple. He winced from the pain as several more landed all around him and Farful. Tirin backed up and followed the sounds of laughter. Kratour and Scarvexx were bombarding the pair with snowballs. Tirin chuckled until an off-target projectile sailed directly to him. He raised his hand and stopped the kiddish weapon using his time powers. The lump of ice fell to the ground and the attack stopped.

"Sorry Tirin!" shouted Kratour. "Wasn't aiming for you!"

Tirin would have thrown a snowball the size of a house at them, but before he could retaliate 13thforsworn had emerged from his nearby igloo (A Ukrainian flag was planted at the top of its dome). He began scolding Kratour and Scarvexx for unlawfully playing on the slippery Town Hall roof, and reminded them of Balth's accident the previous week.

By the time Farful and Milamber reoriented themselves and shook the loose snow from their coats, Tirin had gone.

 

[Firedemon]

I miss all of these people, how could you do this to me? Except Balth.

And Tirin and 13th because they're still here.

 

[coolpool2]

I miss all of these people, how could you do this to me? Except Balth.

And Tirin and 13th because they're still here.

Well I know Wolfy contacted a bunch of people in a skype call recently and is possibly joining Riyant's next D&D campaign.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

I actually talked to Balth about a year ago, we ran into each other on Twitter if I remember correctly. He seems to be doing pretty well.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 2

"But it's Christmas, Nifty!"

"I don't care of its the end of the world, we'll be lucky if we can afford stocking-stuffers for the kids."

"But think of how disappointed they'll be!" said TC. He was standing his ground for once. "This is probably the only day of the year where I have the chance to show Melody that I'm a decent father."

Nifty took a long puff from her cigarette. "Sweetie," she said softly. "We had two-hundred dollars set aside for Christmas this year. Then you melted your damn computer, and the new one cost seven-hundred."

"He told me it was frozen!" TC was getting visibly angry. "Lumpy told me the screen was fucking frozen, so I put a heater by it! How the hell was I supposed to know!?"

"Don't you swear at me mister," Nifty retorted. "Or you'll be getting an Italian Necktie for Christmas, got it?"

Tirin walked by the Thunder residence as quick as he could. Nifty and TC had been bickering ever since the Inquirer literal meltdown. Tirin saw Firedemon in the couple's yard. He was obviously trying to ignore the uncomfortable fact that someone else was infuriating his nemesis. Tirin watched him try to make a snowman, but the immense heat emanating from his hands melted all the snow he touched. He walked away disappointed and Tirin chuckled.

He happened across Tropag and Kyle further down the road. Kyle was fidgeting with a handheld electronic device and Tropag simply scowled. He was well-dressed and shaven.

"Huh," said Tirin. "If I didn't know better I'd say you're half sober."

"Fully sober, actually." Tropag tried to smile. "Doctor Frilzer said I should really cut back on my alcohol intake, at least for the holidays."

"How's that workin' out for ya?"

"I have no idea what I'm supposed to do during the day."

"Whatever. The hell're you up to Kyle?"

Kyle pushed a few buttons on his remote before responding. "I'm trying to fix the weather for tomorrow. Danny got us a new weather machine, but I can't get it to snow anymore."

"So?"

"If I can't fix it we're going to have a rainy Christmas instead of a snowy one."

"You only got 'till tomorrow so hurry up, jag."

Kyle frowned. Tirin went to move past him but Stealthy was moving quickly down the other lane of the sidewalk. Dragonruby was right behind him.

"Hey, Stealthy." he said. "Stealthy!"

"Druby, what is it?"

"Danny and Bryaugh are about to put up the tree," he said. His eyes were wide and excited. "Wanna watch? You can come too, Tirin."

"Ha!" Stealthy laughed towards the sky. "Every Christmas Eve Spiffums and I have an epic party. You seriously think I'm going to waste any time with you plebeians? Please." Stealthy continued on his way, chuckling to himself.

Druby's face fell. "Well, you still wanna go, right Tirin?"

"Uh, no. But its on my way to Req's so I guess I'll take a look."

They continued walking towards the town center.

 

[coolpool2]

This story is starting to make me miss people too.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

I hear ya...


Chapter 3


"I'm really hoping to get some football cleats this year, it'll be awesome."

"But you don't even play football," said Tirin.

"What's that got to do with it?"

Tirin was quickly becoming annoyed with Druby. Fortunately, they soon arrived at the town square. Danny and Bryaugh stood on the sidewalk running along a large roundabout. They made gestures with their hands and gave adamant direction to several forumers across the street. In the center of the roundabout, Whitetiger, Ravenhall, and Bailey were struggling to keep an enormous pine tree standing up. Bailey was climbing the tree and wrapping strands of colored lights around it while Whitetiger held it steady at the bottom. Ravenhall secured the strands to nearby streetlights. The scent of the tree was overwhelming.

Tirin couldn't think of where they'd found a tree so big. It looked alright. He turned his attention to the park behind him. Evidently, Wilger had made another one of his highly detailed snowcars. Some sort of fancy sports car by the looks of it. Tirin watched Shadow approach it.


"Heh, heh," Shadow chuckled. He turned his head left and right to make sure no one was following him. "I love ruining people's stuff."

Shadow walked up to the snowcar and held his arm in front of him like he was checking the time. He pushed a few buttons on the wrist of his armor and the small metal plates whirred to life, shifting, twisting, and creating a flamethrower wrist mount. He positioned his weapon carefully and prepared to fire.

Literally.

An icicle dagger fell from the sky and embedded itself in Shadow's weapon, just as it began to bathe Wilger's creation in flames. The flamethrower mount sparked and died, leaving Shadow very confused and upset. Suddenly, a figure dropped down from the tree above. It pushed Shadow onto the ground with one hand and stole a grenade from his belt with the other. Shadow prepared to counterattack but stopped.

Salsy activated the grenade and threw it into the snowcar. It shattered the thin ice windshield before exploding and destroying the creation entirely.

"Salsy you bastard," shouted Shadow as he got to his feet. "Quit stealing my damn kills!"

"I'm the carry," Salsy said before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.


Tirin smirked at their childish antics. He turned his attention back to the tree in town square. Balth was observing the event too, on crutches for some reason. Aethrys was disinterestedly reading a newspaper on a park bench, and Stoney drank tea beside him. Coolpool and Sideshow Bob stood nearby.


"Hey Bob, Merry Christmas!"

"Very funny Coolpool."

"Huh? Aren't you excited about Christmas?"

Bob rolled his eyes. "You're fairly new, I can't blame you much. I just don't do Christmas okay?"

"Oh, that's right!" Coolpool exclaimed. "I forgot, you're a Buddhist!"

"Wait, what? No, I'm-"

"Happy Ramadan, Bob!"

"Hey everyone!" announced RellyK as he emerged from Frilzer's house. "Frilzer's going to read some story about Forum Christmas or something, if you want to hear it."

Aethrys carefully folded his newspaper and headed inside. Stoney tried to gulp down the last of his tea, but instead a frozen block fell from the cup and onto his face. He rubbed his sore nose and got up as well.

"Gross, what an awful tree they got." said Ciflit.

Tirin's fists clenched as he turned to face him.

"Who screwed up and unbanned you, ya jag. Shut up about the tree, s'not bad."

"Yeah, cause you're an authority on good taste," Ciflit mocked. He adjusted his scarf and took a sip of his highly specialized coffee. "Are you seriously wearing only a t-shirt out here? Are you autistic or just stupid?"

"It's not cold out, and shut your mouth before I fucking end you."

"Hey!" Danny shouted from across the street. "Don't you two get into it, tomorrow's Christmas for crying out loud. Tirin, can you please be nice to him for at least one day?"

"I didn't do shit! He was-"

"Holy crap, Tirin," said an alarmed Bryaugh. "You're going to freeze with just a t-shirt on, go put a coat on!"

"What's with the goddamned t-shirt already? I-"

"Yeah Tirin," said Ciflit. "Can you even dress yourself in the morning? Judging from your fashion sense I'm going with no."

"THAT'S IT, YOU ASKED FOR IT." Tirin spun a teal ball of energy in his hand and threw it at Ciflit as hard as he could. Ciflit ducked, spilling his coffee and barely dodging it. The energy ball soared past him, almost hitting Bryaugh, and smashed into the large pine tree. The struck section splintered away and the tree fell over backwards. Whitetiger jumped out of the tree as it fell and landed on top of Ravenhall. Strand of lights tied to the tree pulled two streetlights from their foundations. One landed on top of a parked car and the other fell onto Balth, crushing his injured leg.

"That's it Tirin, you've done it now!" Danny shouted. "Get out of here, I don't want to see you anywhere in town on Christmas, you got it!?"

"S'not my fault, it's this fuckin' jag over here!"

"Tirin, please go away for a little bit." said Bryaugh. "And put something warm on."

"Okay, let's set some things straight!" Tirin said angrily. He picked Ciflit up by his collar. "One, this fruitcake is a worthless shitbag!" He shoved Ciflit onto the ground. "Two, it is not fucking cold outside! Everyone's being pussies! And three, fuck you all and fuck Christmas!"

He vanished in a bright flash of teal.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

A few days behind, triple-post incoming...

Chapter 4

A clanging sound woke Tirin. He started to fall back asleep until he heard the heavy footsteps. Wolfy was still asleep in the bed beside him. He could hear Req's faint snoring from his bedroom. Intruder.

Tirin rubbed his eyes and got out of bed. Req had his old baseball bat hanging on the wall in front of him. Tirin pulled it down carefully and took a few quiet practice swings before sneaking out of the guest room. The fire had gone out, so he couldn't see much. Some big figure was bent over near Req's television. He couldn't tell what it was. The figure made a grunting sound and moved a large sack on top of the couch.

"lovable black man, who is my friend's stealing Req's shit!" thought Tirin.

The thief turned to face the tree and bent over again. This was his chance. Tirin sprinted down the hallway and leaped over the couch. The intruder turned his head just in time to catch the tip of Tirin's baseball bat in his forehead. He fell backwards into the tree and slumped onto the floor. Several ornaments fell and shattered on the ground.

"Whoo! Slam-jammed motherfucker!"

"What the hell is going on out there!?" Req shouted from down the hallway. He turned on the hallway light and strode into the kitchen, turning that light on as well. Wolfy emerged from her bedroom.

"Some dumbass burglar just tried to rob you man," Tirin said. He rolled the end of the bat in his hand, admiring it. "Good thing I was here or you'd have a really shitty Christmas."

"Uh...it might be a little late for that," said Req. He looked pale. Tirin followed his gaze to the unconscious intruder at his feet. With the light on, he could see the man's face. Tirin stepped back in shock and dropped his bat on the floor.

He had just knocked out Santa Claus.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 5

"What's all the commotion?" said Wolfy. She rubbed her eyes as she walked into the kitchen.

"Tirin KO'd Santa," said Requiem.

"What?" Wolfy laughed softly. "Don't worry, it's just Walrus in a red suit again." She grabbed an ice pack from the freezer. "Sometimes he visits houses on Christmas Eve to leave presents for the children. He's okay, right?"

"Yeah. Breathing anyways. Gonna have a hell of a headache when he wakes up." Tirin tugged on Walrus' thick white beard that hid most of his face. "Pretty good costume. Seems legit."

"Whew," Req fell down into one of his large chairs. "For a second there I thought we had a really serious problem."

They all agreed.

Suddenly the front door flew open, letting in a mighty gust of wind and snow. Two heavy feet placed themselves on Req's welcome mat.

"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"

Walrus Man was standing in the doorway, wearing clown shoes, large red pajamas, a styrofoam beard, and holding a used garbage bag filled with toys from the dump.

"Ho, ho, ho! I've come to bring all the nice children presents for-"

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Oh, Walrus..."

"Walrus, get the fuck out!"

Tirin threw an ornament hanging from the tree and it shattered near Walrus' head.

"Naughty children!" shouted Walrus as he quickly shut the door and left. Tirin had just picked up another ornament.

"This guy's probably just another imposter," Tirin said insistently. "Right, Req? Req?"

Requiem was outside, standing in the snow barefoot. He stared up at the roof. "Guys," he said. "There's eight live reindeer and a sleigh with a sack full of presents of my roof." He looked down at them. "You know what we have to do."

"Fuckin' jag," said Tirin. "I can't believe I have to kill the real Santa Claus. Wolfy, go pour a bunch of bleach into the bathtub."

"Tirin Luscar!" said Wolfy. She only used his full name when she was very cross. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, we are not going to murder Santa Claus!"

"Fine, I'll get rid of the body myself, sheesh."

"I'm afraid Wolfy's right, Tirin." said Req. "You can't cover up what happened here, and you can't get away with murdering jolly old Saint Nick. There's only one way to make this right."

"We have to save freaking Christmas," said Tirin in his best mocking voice. "Ha, no, not happening."

"No Tirin, we're not going to save Christmas," admitted Req. "You-"

"Hey, let's look what the fat bastard brought us," said Tirin. He casually rolled the large man onto his side and rummaged through the three wrapped gifts he held. "Stealers season tickets for Wolfy...some kind of camera earpiece for Req...and..." Tirin tore the small box with his name on it to shreds. "Mother...fuckin'...COAL!" Tirin threw the lump of coal across the room. It nearly hit Req's computer, which distressed him dearly. "I'll throttle the fat fuck! I'll make him wish I hit 'em with the bat again!"

"Tirin," said Req quietly.

"Where is that bat, I'm gonna cave his skull in like a melon."

"Tirin," said Req a bit louder.

"Motherfuckin' coal, I'll show him some coal, I'll-"

"Tirin, listen!" Req said sharply. This caught his attention. Req regained his composure. "You're right, we're not going to save Christmas."

"Damn straight."

"You are."

"..what?"

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 6

"Save Christmas? Fuck Christmas," Tirin grumbled to himself as he unloaded Santa's sleigh.

"Careful up there, dear!" called Wolfy from below on the deck. "The roof's awfully slippery!"

"Yeah, yeah, thanks 13th." said Tirin as he hauled a large sack of presents from the sleigh onto the roof. "This is a stupid idea, Req!"

"Yeah, but you're the only one that can do it!" said Req next to Wolfy. He was bundled warmly and took a sip of his hot cocoa. "If you can find anybody else that can manipulate time well enough to deliver presents around the world, all in a single night, then I guess you can go back to bed."

"Don't act like you can gimme orders schmuck," said Tirin defiantly. He pulled a capsule of strange gold glitter from the sleigh's glove box and tossed it behind him with the presents. "I'm only doing this because Wolfy'd hate me if I didn't."

Wolfy smiled and nodded in agreement.

Req wasn't paying attention, he was punching numbers into his calculator. "There should be enough milk and cookies at each house to sustain you for the whole night," he said. "Still, you'll be manipulating time for lengths greater than you ever have before. It will be pressing."

"I'm a time deity," Tirin said boastfully. "I'll be fine." Tirin found a short paperback book on the sleigh floor. "Hey, I think I found the manual." he said.

Req started ascending the ladder onto the roof. "Does it say anything about how to operate the sleigh? I bet those reindeer respond to certain commands."

Tirin flipped through several pages in the book. "Hey, here's a section on reindeer commands."

"What's it say?" asked Req as he stepped carefully across the roof.

"Um...Dakota is the command for stop," said Tirin. It was hard to read with the low light. "Mush means go, and - hey!"

The reindeer began stomping madly and rushed forward. They nearly trampled Requiem, who dove to the side just in time before the reindeer and sleigh launched from the roof. Req desperately tried to grab onto something as he slid down his own roof, but fell off the side despite his best efforts. His boot caught on a strand of Christmas lights he had hung at the roof's edge, and so he flipped upsidedown, suspended in the air at eye level with one frightened Wolfy.

Tirin hurried to the roof's edge to make sure his friend was okay, then turned his eyes to the rogue vehicle. The reindeer soared across the night sky with the haphazard sleigh, reignless, into the black night and disappeared.

"Damn," said Req as he rocked left and right above the ground. "Those things are well-trained."

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 7

Requiem pulled a square hide of alligator skin from Andy's door. There was writing on it.

"Oy! Maretocks and I are out of town hunting Thylacine for the holidays. Merry Christmas, mates!"

“I guess we'll just borrow it without asking then,” said Req. “He'd probably agree anyways. Probably.”

Tirin and Req walked into the driveway. Tirin was carrying some ropes and a harness. Req had the bag of gifts.

“Okay, so we can use Andy's car to replace the sleigh, but how are we going to make it fly,” asked Tirin as he set the ropes down by Andy's Ferrari.

“We just put a little bit of this,” said Req as he retrieved the vial with gold glitter in it from his pocket. “Into the gas tank. Magical reindeer dust. Should make the car fly.” He opened the vial and poured a little bit of the sparkling material onto a broken sprinkler head in Andy's yard. It slowly floated into the air and suspended itself at Req's waist. He grabbed it and threw it, and the the sprinkler soared into the night without falling.

“Huh. Value,” said Tirin. “Now all we need is a reindeer,” and Tirin looked around. But since reindeer were scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop them? No! Req simply said, “If we can't find a reindeer, we'll make one instead.”

Both of them stopped and listened, the trash cans nearby clattered. They walked to the source to see what was the matter.

/end rhyming

Next door at Lawliet's house, a trash can tipped over and Regis fell out of it. He began chewing an old pizza box until he noticed the nearby Requiem and Tirin. “Evening, gentlemen,” he said adjusting his tie. “Anything I can help you with?”

They explained everything to him. How Tirin had knocked out Santa, how they lost the sleigh, how Wolfy was home trying to revive him, and how they needed a reindeer to guide Andy's Ferrari and save Christmas. Regis didn't care much for Christmas, but he had nothing else to do that evening. Shizno was too lazy to put chains on his car and ended up getting stuck on a mountain pass. He wouldn't be home until the next morning. He reluctantly agreed after Req promised him a box of milkbones.

By now, Tirin was fastening the rope to the car and the Regis to the harness. Req was unsuccessfully trying to start the car.

“Hm, I don't know how to hotwire it,” said Req after he had tried several times. “I'll go wake up Lawliet, he'll know how to do it.”

“Chill out, I got this lovable black man, who is my friend,” said Tirin. He teleported inside the car and placed his finger against the ignition. A teal spark went into the keyhole and the car roared with life. Req loaded the presents into the backseat, then spoke to Tirin through the driver's window.

“Make sure you deliver all the presents before dawn,” he said. Tirin could barely hear him over the engine. “Try to conserve as much time-energy as you can, and don't be seen by anyone.”

“Anything else, mom?” said Tirin disparagingly.

“Yes,” said Req. He handed Tirin one of the earpieces Santa had left him. “This will be our communication device. I can't tell you how important it is to communicate well in operations like this. If we don't communicate well, things won't work well. But if we do communicate well, then maybe this will actually have a chance of working. Communication is-”

“Okay, I get it, what's it do,” asked Tirin as he put it on.

“It's a two way audio and one way camera piece. We can both hear what the other person says, and I can see what you're doing. Maybe I can give you some helpful advice along the way.”

”Helpful advice?” said Tirin questioningly.

“Hey! Listen!” said Req. “I might be able to help you out in a tight spot. Now get going, you don't have any time to lose!”

Req poured several flakes of the gold glitter onto Regis. He began floating. He dumped the rest of the vial into the red Ferrari's gas tank. Requiem gave Tirin a quick salute and Tirin slammed the gas pedal. He soared into the night sky, with Santa's Christmas list beside him, the comforts of home behind him, and the vast world opening up in front of him.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 8

"You got this Regis?"

"No problem. I have my pilot's license, y'know."

Regis guided the car onto the roof of Ro3minion. The vehicle hit the roof and skidded before coming to a halt. A few presents fell out of the large sack of gifts, and Tirin wished he had braced himself.

"Nice landing, you jag." Tirin said as he hopped out of the car with Ro3's gift.

"I got less than ten meters of landing strip, get off my back," said Regis. He pulled out a metal flask and began to turn the cap.

Tirin looked into the chimney and withdrew his head. The smoke made him cough and Regis chuckled quietly. Tirin scooped some snow from the roof with his spare hand and threw it down the chimney. He heard a soft 'tsssss' and the smoke stopped.

"First stop, here goes nuthin'," said Tirin. He leaped over the column and descended straight down the chimney. He landed on a wet log and rolled out of the fireplace into the living room.

"Careful, Tirin," said Req through the earpiece. "Remember, nobody can see you. Try not to wake the whole house up."

"Yeah, yeah," said Tirin. He walked over to the brightly lit Christmas tree and placed Ro3's present underneath it. "Enjoy the microphone, twerp." Tirin spotted a plate of cookies and milk in the kitchen. "Hello there," he said happily as he walked towards the snacks.

The cookies were fresh. Tirin ate them quickly and lifted the glass of milk to his lips. He took a large gulp and spat the rest across the kitchen. "Pttttth! Fuckin' jag left me bad milk!" Tirin wiped his mouth on a towel by the sink. "Screw him, I'll take the mic back and just shit in the box!"

Before Requiem could demand Tirin's cooperation, a light came on down the hallway. Tirin ducked down behind the counter.

"Hello," said Ro3 as he walked into the living room in his pajamas. "Is somebody here?"

"Tirin, get out of there!" said Req. "Manipulate time or something, just don't be seen!"

"Oh I got this," said Tirin. He summoned some energy and warped through time and space to appear behind Ro3. Before the confused kid could turn around, Tirin elbowed him in the temple. Ro3 fell to the ground like a ragdoll.

"Slam-jammed, punk! Next time don't leave me rotten milk or you'll get worse!"

"Very nice Tirin," said Req sarcastically. "Let's try not to inflict head trauma for the rest of the night though, okay?"

"He deserved it," said Tirin. "Anything else to do or am I done here?"

"Put Ro3 back in bed and get back on the roof," said Req. "You have a lot more stops to make."

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 9



"Hey, uh, Req," said Tirin. "I'm having a bit of trouble.

Back home in his command center, Req dipped his head. They were finally having a series of successful runs.

"You're in the chimney on your way out, what's wrong?"

"I'm kinda stuck," said Tirin.

"Simple," said Req. "Just teleport yourself to the roof. Easy peasy."

" 'fraid I can't," said Tirin. "I don't have enough energy left,".

"What?" said Req. "Didn't Ibix leave cookies for you to eat?"

"No," said Tirin. "He left me a fruitcake, a flipping fruitcake!" He lifted the heavy block of 'food' in front of his earpiece for his partner to see.

"But what about the last house? I saw cookies there."

"RellyK put walnuts in them."

"...so?"

"Fuck walnuts, man."

Tirin wiggled but only got himself more stuck.

"Okay, here's what we'll do," said Requiem. "Eat just a small piece of the fruitcake."

"Gross, no way!"

"Tirin, it should-"

"It's rock hard, man!"

"Just one small bite of fruitcake should have more than enough energy to teleport out of there," said Req. "Just be a man and do it."

Having his manhood even slightly challenged greatly upset Tirin. He angrily bit into the fruitcake, blunting a tooth or two, snapped off a piece, and swallowed it.



Regis was playing solitaire with a deck of cards on the roof. Tirin was taking awhile. Suddenly a bright teal light shined around him and the top of the chimney exploded into numerous pieces. Lights started coming on in the house as Tirin rushed towards him and hopped onto the car.

"Go, go, go!" he shouted and they took off into the night.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 10



"Yes siree," said 13thforsworn as he monitored the several monitors in the Mod Watchtower. "Nothing unsafe or criminal is going down tonight." He sat back down. "Looks like we're going to have a peaceful Christmas, eh Bob?" There was no response. "Bob?"

The automatic doors at the back of the watchtower slid open. Sideshow Bob walked in with two cups of hot cocoa.

"Hey 13th, do you want a cup of hot-"

"Soldier!" said 13th standing up suddenly. "We are here to monitor suspicious activity and protect our community, and you're taking breaks to get sugary drink!?"

"Sheesh 13th, calm down," said Bob. He sat down at his own station full of monitors. "It's not like anything's going to happen on Christmas Eve. Everyone's in bed. And it's freezing out."

"Those are deadly words, Bob," warned 13th with a pointing finger. "Why, imagine all that could happen in a single night! Fuse might be up to no good on our borders, Reaprar could sneak through our defenses, TC could touch something important! We can make zero assumptions about what the enemy could do!"

"I still think you're overreacting," said Bob. "We haven't seen Fuse active in over a year. And Reaprar would be shot on sight by, well, everyone."

"I guess you might be right," admitted 13th. He accepted the hot cocoa Bob offered him. "It's just that we're understaffed Christmas Eve. That's why I always volunteer," he explained. "I'll be tired as all hell tomorrow when the celebrations start, but it's worth knowing that the forum is safe." He turned to Bob. "Is that why you're making this sacrifice too, soldier?"

"Uh...no," said Bob. "I got nothing going on tomorrow. I'm Jewish."

"Oh!" said 13th. "My mistake."

"No problem."

"Happy Kwanzaa, then!"

Before Bob could correct 13th, the emergency phone started ringing and he picked it right up.

"Yes, Lieutenant 13thforswarn speaking...uh-huh...alright...the whole chimney...red vehicle...got it. We're on it now." 13th slammed the phone down. "Bob, we have a flying madman, probably a communist, flying around and blowing up chimneys. Is there anything on the radar?"

"Yeah," said Bob. "This little red dot's been floating all around the forum for about an hour or so."

"What!?" exclaimed 13th. "Where's it at now?

"Heading towards Farful's house."

"Let's go!"

 

[Colonel Thunder]

I just realized that I have cast 13th as a sympathetic antagonist in 100% of the series I've written about this community.

Sorry bro.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 11

"How are we doing on time, Tirin?" asked Regis as he towed the car through the night air.

"You have two hours until sunrise," said Req over the earpiece before Tirin could respond. "How are you doing on time, Tirin?"

"S'about one second forum time for every three seconds my time," said Tirin. "So that's like six hours or somethin' to finish the job."

"That's good enough, just make sure to spare energy when you can," said Req. And is the car holding up okay? The engine's making a whirring sound."

Tirin hadn't paid any attention to the engine whirring. Now that he listened he heard that it was behind him, and getting louder. He turned around to see an Apache helicopter drawing closer and closer. He couldn't see who was piloting it.

"Who the hell is that?" asked Regis over the noise of the helicopter.

"I don't know, but I'll give 'em a warning shot," said Tirin who wasn't too pleased.



"Give 'em a warning shot, Bob," said 13th as he piloted the aircraft. "Then get on the comm and tell them to pull over or be shot down."

Bob nodded his head and pressed a button in front of him, sending several machine gun rounds above the sleigh. He picked up the corded comm link which was attached to the side of the aircraft and began to speak when the helicopter lurched to the left. A bright ball of concentrated energy flew just by the chopper and disappeared into the night. The sudden transition made Bob fall over backwards, the comm link still in his hand. The cable snapped from the wall and Bob rolled back towards his seat, landing on the control panel and pushing several buttons.



"That was way too close for a warning shot," said Req. "You probably just pissed them off,".

Two missiles soared just over the car and exploded in front of them, showering Regis in ashes and heat.

"Serpentine, serpentine!" shouted Tirin to his canine companion. Regis began swerving left and right, up and down to avoid the gunfire. Tirin began slinging deadly balls of energy at the attacker, but the pilot was swift and artful, dodging everything Tirin could sling at him.

"Shoot, this guy is good!" said Req.

"Too good, I'm...I'm out of energy!" said Tirin. He was frightened for the first time in a long while. Temporarily a mere mortal. More machine gun rounds tore through the car and shattered the back window. A dozen of the lighter presents were picked up by the wind and blew outside into the darkness below. Tirin's heart unexpectedly sank at this.

"The fruitcake, Tirin! The fruitcake!" said Req.

Tirin fumbled around the passenger seat for the unscrumptious item. As he leaned over a few bullets shattered both the back window and windshield. He wouldn't have time to harness the fruitcake's energy! But the fruitcake was still of use to him. Tirin climbed into the backseat and the cold wind from the broken window met him. He squinted from the wind and took quick aim. He threw the fruitcake as hard as he could, and as if in slow motion Tirin watched it crash into the blades of the helicopter. The first blade snapped on impact and the second bent sharply. The helicopter made a horrible screeching sound and an alarm sounded. It descended quickly, but did not make a comforting explosion as Tirin had hoped. When he was sure that the threat was gone he leaned back in his seat and breathed deeply.

Req had said nothing.

Tirin pet his head and with great horror realized that his earpiece was missing. He searched the car but it was gone, lost forever in the depths below when he threw the fruitcake.

Tirin gathered his wits about him and discussed the issue with Regis. He was not optimistic about this turn of events, nor the firefight they had endured. Reluctantly, they continued their journey.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 12

An armful of snow fell down the chimney and quenched the fire below. Less than a moment later Tirin landed softly on the ashy remains and somersaulted out of the fireplace. He teleported behind a large chair, and again behind a couch, and again against the wall. He was beginning to master his technique as the night went on. But still more than half of the presents sat in Andy's Furarri undelivered.

Tirin tiptoed into the kitchen to look for milk and cookies, but instead was greeted by an empty counter. He grumbled, and the lights turned on before he could move out of sight.

"Ah, there you are," said Riyant by the light switch only a few steps away. He had always been a sneaky fellow. "Req called and said you'd stop by eventually, if you were alive. Lost your earpiece did you?"

Tirin chuckled. He was glad to have company besides Regis on this cold night. "Yeah, I took out some faggot asses in a helicopter but lost his radio thing. I'm doing fine without him though."

"Ha! I'm not sure whether he'll be happy or sad to hear that." Riyant moved into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He took out a large bowl of egg nog and a chocolate cake, much to Tirin's delight. "Of all people, I never thought you'd be the one to volunteer for Santa duty."

Tirin nodded in agreement as he took another bite of cake.

"I mean, you, being Santa?" continued Riyant. "That's like making Vance a mall Santa."

Tirin shot him a look.

"I only mean that I didn't expect it," clarified Riyant. He was surprised Tirin seemed to take offense at his comment. "Here, have some egg nog. You need the energy."

Riyant poured him a glass and Tirin accepted it.

"Wow, that's some powerful stuff," said Tirin as he put down the empty glass.

"Oh yeah," said Riyant. "I forgot, it's my own brand. About eighty percent rum."

Tirin had another glass and stood up to leave. He had a tight schedule, after all. He thanked Riyant for being a bro and told him to tell Req all was well. He went to leave, and nearly forgot to gave Riyant his present.

"What's this?" said Riyant as he tore into the package. He withdrew what looked like a green pocketwatch with a matching chain. "Yes, it's spare time!"

They both recognized the device. It was a sort of timeturner, a temporary time travel device. It would allow the user to travel back in time for a certain period before returning to the present. Tirin could travel through time by himself alright, but moving his entire being through it and interacting with the environment to a great extent took incredible amounts of energy. This was a great gift, though not entirely legal. In the wrong hands it could have grave consequences. But honest Riyant would use it rightfully well, with his busy schedule and constant need for more time. His possession of it did not worry him.

The two of them exchanged pleasantries and parted ways. Tirin brought up a slice of cake to offer Regis, but he crossly reminded Tirin that he could not have chocolate. Poor Regis was growing less happy about his role in the whole thing, towing a car all night and sitting in the cold while Tirin went inside giving presents and eating snacks. He grumbled but Tirin reassured him. They continued their journey.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 13


Tirin couldn't perform his usual routine. He knew Stealthy and Spiffums had an all-night party planned, and no matter how he rolled out of the fireplace he couldn't possibly hide himself from so many waking eyes. Regis landed the car a good ways behind Stealthy's mansion to avoid being spotted. Tirin walked to the house, saving his time-energy.

The outside lights were on, but not the inside ones. Tirin teleported into the dark room and quickly regretted it. Stealthy surly had an alarm of some sort set up. Nothing seemed to happen though.

Maybe security's turned off for the party? thought Tirin.

It was certainly a quiet party. And a dark one, too. Tirin carefully moved from room to room, searching for the tree, or any sign of a living creature. But the house was empty, and this worried him more than anything.

He eventually came to a large room with a large lit tree. There were no gifts under it. Tirin hesitated to place his own gift, or Santa's rather, underneath it. He knew the brown paper bag contained nothing but a lump of coal.

A snoring sound startled Tirin. It came from near the fireplace, which was low and dying. He teleported onto the chandelier above him, and to another one in front of him. He continued this way until he as right above the fireplace.

Stealthy was sitting deep in a red chair by the fire, with an empty bottle beside him and a letter in his hand. He looked uncomfortable and snored loudly. Tirin had never seen him so unprepared. Despite conventional wisdom, Tirin decided to investigate. He dropped to the floor and used his time powers to soften the landing, putting his feet on the floor gracefully. Not too far from Stealthy were two tables full of typical upper-class party goods, as well as Stealthy's own personal touches. But they were hardly touched. The only thing disturbed was the alcohol.

Stealthy murmured in his sleep and turned. The letter dropped from his hand. Tirin teleported right beside Stealthy, grabbed the letter, and quickly teleported back into another room. He lit a ball of energy and read it.

Hey Stealthy,

I'm really sorry dude but there's a hell of a storm over here. It doesn't look like it'll pass for a few days, and you know I can't stay past the 26th. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and stuff, hope I'll see you next year. Sorry man.

-Spiffums

Tirin frowned. It wasn't like him to feel such sympathy for people, even a friend like Stealthy. He teleported back into the main hall and next to Stealthy, who was still fast asleep. Tirin carefully worked the letter back under his hand, but stopped. He slid the paper away from Stealthy and back into his own hand. Tirin folded it as quietly as he could and tossed it into the fireplace. The embers consumed it gladly, though not before he was out of the house and creeping back to the car.

"Don't get too tired, Regis," said Tirin as he climbed into the car. "We have another stop to make way west of here."

"West?" asked Regis. "But isn't there a big storm over there?"

"Ha," answered Tirin as he revved the engine. "It's not even cold out."

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Chapter 14

"Brace for impact!" shouted 13th. Thankfully he had secured his safety harness before takeoff. Making an emergency landing left him no time.

Bob barely managed to strap himself in before the damaged helicopter crash-landed into a snowbank and plowed through it. Both passengers were thrust forward and backward and side to side as the craft jarred. Their vehicle made a horrible scraping sound as it slid several hundred meters.

"Look out!" warned Bob, as if 13th was still in control of the helicopter. There was a large grey building directly in front of him. They both grimaced as the helicopter crashed through the building's wall and tipped over onto its side.

13th tried to release his safety harness after he had caught his breath. It was jammed. He took out his utility knife and cut the straps, dropping him against the left wall (which was against the building's floor). He climbed up to Bob who's harness was similarly jammed and released him with a few swift cuts. They had a few cuts and bruises but nothing serious, or that demanded immediate attention, even. 13th and Bob counted themselves fortunate and climbed upwards out of the craft.

"Looks like a warehouse," said Bob as he shined his flashlight around the building.

"Yes, Aethrys and Stoney own property for their business out here," said 13th. He slid down the helicopter's side and began exploring. "I thought they said NFT didn't operate out here anymore though."

"I think they're still in business," said Bob. He put his light on an assembly line nearby. Multiple Shadowbots from the "Shadow's Reign" series were lined up in them, as if being reconstructed. Bob shuddered in remembrance of them, and how they had aided Shadow in nearly bringing the forum to its knees. 13th looked at them with great disgust, reminded of his own revelations during Shadow's time as Editor. He made sure all of their lights were off.

"Hey, look at this!" said Bob. He put his light on many crates nearby. Some were open, and full of weapons and ammo. Bob picked up a large assault rifle. It was heavy, and seemed operable. "I'm not sure some of these weapons are even legal to produce. Do you wanna give 'em a ticket or something?"

"Hm," said 13th. He thought for a moment. "Keep looking through those crates, I have a better idea."