Mach Plays Diplomacy

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
You know, TC, I can always use valued teammates in my quest to brutally conquer peacefully unite Europe! Since you're on my doorstep, all you can lose out on is me kicking your supply centers out of you. Whattya say?
...okay, I'll bite. This game is a bit too complex for me. If I have a chance at surviving by agreeing not to attack your units if you don't attack mine, sure. Let's be allies in that regard.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
Agreeing not to attack my units? Fuck no, you're gonna agree not to head north or east unless you wanna be torn limb from unfortunate limb.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
Well, I'll simply suggest that you rethink that position. I don't mean north as in "towards Germany", but I certainly mean it as in "towards my territory".


Well-Known Member
Mes amis, je dois insister pour que nous parlions en français lorsque nous conduisons la diplomatie internationale dans un forum aussi ouvert qu’il est de coutume en l’année de notre seigneur 1901. Toute diplomatie menée en privé entre vos grandes nations devrait, évidemment, être dans la langue de votre choix.

((Stealthy for the love of all that is holy please continue to use English for your posts))

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Mes amis, je dois insister pour que nous parlions en français lorsque nous conduisons la diplomatie internationale dans un forum aussi ouvert qu’il est de coutume en l’année de notre seigneur 1901. Toute diplomatie menée en privé entre vos grandes nations devrait, évidemment, être dans la langue de votre choix.

((Stealthy for the love of all that is holy please continue to use English for your posts))
Was really tempted to start posting in dutch or something, but that'd be just too obnoxious.

Spring 1901: Resolved

At the beginning of the year, Archduke Jasper - heir to the Austria-Hungarian Empire - made a public plea for diplomatic partners, and in return the Teal Tsar of Russia made an aggressive and forceful proclamation, as he is wont to do. In open discourse, the Tsar made it clear that he would tear the Archduke "limb from unfortunate limb" if the Austrian Armies moved towards Russian territories. While the Archduke refused to publicly agree to such a one-sided alliance, he has adhered to the terms nonetheless. The Diet of Hungary issued a statement which did not condemn the Archduke's orders, but suggested displeasure if the Archduke was truly so pliable and that they were certain Emperor Blooky (long absentee from governmental affairs) would not tolerate such weakness. Meanwhile, the Imperial Council of Austria announced continued full support for the Archduke, stating that the military moves and invasion of Serbia were made for strategic reasons and not out of cowardice. The Kremlin publicly commended the Archduke for heeding the Tsar's warning, and sources inside the Palace say that the Tsar is quite pleased.

As the spring of 1901 comes to a close, most of the great powers find their actions entirely unopposed by neither a fellow great power nor a lesser nation. Austria-Hungary and Germany take some pages out of their World War I playbook, the French roll into the Iberian peninsula without issue, and the Sultan of Turkey proclaims a joyous return of Bulgaria to Ottoman rule. There are two exceptions, as nations battle for control of the seas.

Battle of the English Channel: Spring 1901
-France vs England, 1v1. Result: Standoff

The French fleet stationed at Brest and the English based in London both venture out to establish dominance over the sea between them. Despite the skill of the British navy, they are unable to make any decisive victory without numerical superiority. After a series of ineffective skirmishes, both fleets retreat to the bases they launched from to lick their wounds and prepare for an autumnal campaign.

Battle of the Black Sea: Spring 1901
-Russia vs Turkey, 1v1. Result: Standoff

A similar course of events occurs in the east as it did the west. The Ottomans and the Russians test each other's strength, and find only equality. The core of the Black Sea remains uncontrolled as the Turks retreat back to Ankara and the Russians to Putin's Peninsula.

While no gains are secured as of yet, the governments of all nations proclaim optimism and prosperity.

Fall 1901:

As there are no retreat orders to make, we will be rolling right on into the orders phase for Fall 1901. As a reminder, you must hold a territory at the end of the Fall in order to capture it for yourself.

Deadline for Orders will be Sunday Night, once again around Midnight. I'm not harsh on the timing (I was fucking around playing Jackbox, which is why this is only posting up now and not an hour earlier), but once I resolve the orders that's final.
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Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1901: Resolved

"Your highness, while we do not challenge your leadership over military affairs, I speak on behalf of both of your legislatures when I question what was to be gained by our military's ventures this season," spoke the head of the Hungarian Diet. He looked to his Austrian counterpart, who bowed his head towards their liege, but said nothing. Had the Hungarian been of lower birth, he'd have scowled.

Archduke Van Jasper lounged in his chair, lazily holding a glass of wine, "Why my minister, it sounds like you question the judgment of her majesty."

"We would never, your highness," sputtered the Austrian, "If these maneuvers are the directive of Empress Van Blooky, we would never contradict them." A cold November draft passed through the private chamber they were in. The crystal chandelier above them chimed in the breeze. The Hungarian looked at a servant, who moved to close the window until the Archduke raised his hand. Van Jasper leaned forward, and his face split into a manic grin.

"Oh of course not, neither of you are quite that foolish. But you would question me, despite her majesty's exemplary judgment granting me the power to do as I see fit with our empire's armed forces."

"Your highness, we do not seek to contradict you," the Hungarian interjected, "We simply request that you elucidate the matter." The Archduke's gaze wandered from him to the Austrian, who thankfully found enough of a backbone to maintain solidarity.

"Why of course, my most faithful subjects. I would not expect men as unlearned in military matters as yourselves to understand the intricacies of my strategy. Come along now." The Archduke sprang up from his chair and walked out of the room. With a look to his counterpart, the Hungarian followed, and soldiers fell in to escort them. He suppressed a sigh. The Archduke was known take entire tours of the Hofburg on these 'walk and talks'.

"You see, it all really was at the request of her majesty. In bed one morning, I asked her what she wanted the chefs to prepare for lunch. Her majesty wanted gyros, and so I told her that I would find her the greatest gyros in all of Europe. As faithful subjects, you surely agree that her majesty deserves the best."

The Austrian nodded, not that the Archduke bothered to look back at them. He led them down a carousel staircase, descending to the bottom of the Leopoldine Wing.

"Now, and you must keep this a secret, but I do not know everything in this world, including where to find the best gyros. Fortunately, I knew how to find out, which is just as good. And do you know who I asked?"

"The Greeks?" the Austrian guessed.

"Oh no, of course not," the Archduke scoffed, "That would be absurd, there are far too many Greeks to ask them all. Come, my other most faithful subject, do you not have a guess?"

"Judging by what followed, I imagine the Italians," he deadpanned.

"Eureka!" exclaimed the Archduke, "You see, some time ago I met with this Italian general. Fine fellow, rather large, and a true connoisseur of food. And so I asked him where I might find the best gyros for her majesty. And wouldn't you know it, he said Greece! Now, Greece is far away, and I needed to find a way to get the gyros from there, and this Italian - being the helpful man he is - offered to get them for us. Said he would send an entire army to do it, just to make sure it happened right! And since it was only fair that we do our part to help, I ordered our navy to help get them there and our army in Serbia to help the search!"

The Hungarian clenched his fists, but let no displeasure show on his face. That Van Jasper played at madness was no surprise. He had been doing so for years, and it was tolerated because it amused the commoners and kept them content. But this? He was speaking to nobility, and the minister of the Hungarian Diet.

"I understand, your highness. A good plan to remove the Italians interlopers from the Tyrolian Alps," said the Austrian, a smile on his face.

The Archduke came to a sudden stop, and faced them. "Tyrolia? Oh no, that army would never make it to Greece in time to satisfy her majesty. We sent the Venetians instead. In fact-" Van Jasper knocked on the nearest door, "we should be receiving word of their successful departure any minute now." The door opened, revealing the telegraph receiving terminals. A dozen workers stopped and stood at attention.

The Archduke requested the telegram confirming the Italian convoy.

The telegram never came.

Battle of Denmark: Fall 1901
-England vs Germany, 1v1. Result: Standoff

In the north, far from the intrigue of the Hofburg, a german army stood at the border of Denmark. They demanded entrance to the country, a base of operations to be provided to them, and the agreement of the Danish government to operate as directed to support Germany. They expected the Danish to fold quickly, as did the Dutch when faced with the threat of naval bombardment. They nearly did, until an alarm came across the telegraph wires.

The British are coming. The British are coming.

An amphibious assault came from the North Sea, as the British navy ferried an army to Danish shores. The Kaiser issued quick orders, as the rest of his forces held in place. The Germany army marched to the west, hoping to throw the British back into the ocean, but found them already entrenched. Thousands of civilians fled the coast, hoping they could return to find their houses still standing. The government in Copenhagen ceased all communication with Berlin, and readied themselves to deal with the aftermath. For a month, the two great powers fought. The Germans stymied the British efforts to strike inland, but struggled to dispel them. In the end, they won by forfeit as England recalled her army to York. The campaign had become too expensive for such little gain. Germany turned back to Copenhagen, but found her army rather exhausted and depleted, and the Danish forces fresh, if still inferior.

Two days later, the german army was called back to Kiel for the winter, to recover. The same day, the Danish government issued a proclamation thanking the Germans for their aid in repelling the British invaders. It was the only thing the Germans got out of them that season.

Battle of Trieste: Fall 1901
-Italy vs Austria-Hungary, 2v1. Result: Italian Victory.

The city of Trieste was used to trading hands. It was the largest port of the Empire, and all of its Mediterranean trade traveled through there. It was also used to being traded around among nations in its history, though the Austrians had secured Trieste's safety for some time now. Trieste could trust the Empire to protect them. After all, they built the Empire's ships! Ships that had gone out to the Adriatic, to fulfill the latest mad dash plan of the Archduke. Strange as he was, things had a way of working out for him. There was anxiety in the city over the Italian army in the neighboring Tyrolian Alps. The Archduke assuaged their fears, for as the ships moved out a new army came in to garrison the city. Even if the Italians did come charging down the mountains, they would be protected.

Van Jasper had come down to the city in the late summer, and proclaimed that he had spoken to the Italians on the matter. He told them that the army in Tyrolia was simply passing through, and was no threat to them. Those who doubted his words took solace in those of the soldiers, many of whom let slip that they were ordered to move to the strongholds in Tyrolia that the Italians were occupying. Indeed, the Archduke was strange and mad, but he got things done. The army paraded through and out the streets of Trieste to the cheers of its citizens. They were off to secure the border.

Their return was not so celebrated.

When the Austrians marched into the Tyrolia, they did not find the passes clear as the Archduke told them they'd be. The Italians were waiting for them. The Austrians stood no chance against the Italians when they had such a geographical advantage, and after a token effort they retreated back to Trieste. The Italians had lied to the Archduke! Surely, the spring would see things differently. Yet the Italians did not stay in Tyrolia as expected. The measured return march became a hasty retreat, as the Austrians found bullets and artillery shells firing upon them every time they stopped. They returned to Trieste haggard, but still fit enough to man the walls. Their defenses could hold out until the winter, for surely the Italians would retreat by then. For two weeks the Italians held their siege, finding no breach. The Austrians found hope, but on the third week they woke up to find the Italian army had grown much larger. Reinforcements had arrived.

With their new numbers, the Italians broke through the lines and took the streets of Trieste. The Austrian army fled to the countryside, as the Italians solidified their control over the city. The naval shipyards were broken down. The treasury was seized. Trade was redirected, with heavy restrictions on all rails intended to bring goods to Austria-Hungary. Soldiers still walked the streets, though they spoke a different language. Trieste lived on, but for now it lived to serve Italy.

Note: TC's orders were entirely legitimate. If Easy had ordered his Venetian Army to be convoyed to Greece and his Ionian Fleet to help do so, the maneuver would have worked as intended. He just got stood up.

Anyway, before we get to the builds, we need a retreat order. TC, your call on where to send the evicted army from Trieste. Your options are Vienna, Budapest, and Albania. No, you can't retreat to Tyrolia as that is the province that just attacked you. You could also disband the army (and just rebuild it in the build phase) if you feel like that for whatever reason.
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Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
1901: Build Phase

Scattered and evicted, the army of Trieste flees the province. They cannot look to the Tyrolian Alps, and look to retreat home. A rider comes from the Hofburg with orders to retreat to Budapest. The Austrian army arrives in the city, just ahead of winter. In Vienna, Van Jasper looks at the map of Europe and despairs. He hoped to raise an additional army for the spring, but the loss of wealth from Treiste made that impossible. He began scheming once more. A guard knocked on his office door. Empress Van Blooky had summoned him.

Alright everybody, it's building time. As a reminder, you're allowed a number of units equal to the number of supply centers you control. You can only build units in your starting home centers, and only if those centers are unoccupied. No restriction on armies vs fleets, though obviously fleets can't be build in landlocked provinces. Tirin, if you want to build a fleet in St. Petersburg please specify the coast.

Anyhow, here's the list.

@Tirin, Russia gained 2 supply centers, (+Rum, +Swe). You can build a max of 2 units in Warsaw, Moscow, or St. Petersburg.
@Jeroth, Turkey gained 2 supply centers, (+Bud, +Gre). You can build up to 2 units in Constantinople, Ankara, or Smyrna.
@Rondait, France gained 2 supply centers, (+Spa, +Por). You can build up to 2 units in Brest, Paris, or Marseille.
@Easy, Italy gained 2 supply centers, (+Tun, +Tri). You can build a unit in Rome and a unit in Naples.
@coolpool2, Germany gained 1 supply center, (+Hol). You can build an army or fleet in Berlin.
@Milamber, England gained no supply centers. You have no builds.
@Colonel Thunder, Austria-Hungary has a net change of zero (+Ser, -Tri). You have no builds.

Ideally we could get all builds in quickly by tonight (build and retreat phases are supposed to be quick), but obv not going to hold anybody to a 12 hour time limit. So looking for everything by 11:59 Tuesday Night.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
I'm building an army in Moscow and an army in Warsaw. All who stand in opposition to the eastern tiger, beware.


Right Honorable Justice
Fleet Naples, Army Roma, and Tirin ain't shit.

And for the record, I made formal and specific treaties with a number of other players before sending in orders last spring. All but one of those other players have since faithully upheld the terms of our agreement, and that did not end well for that guy. Be told.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
I've heard that some player made a treaty with you to go into Greece and you instead fucked him over - and the map seems to agree.

For the record, I actually adhere to my agreements, which is clearly more than Easy can say.


Right Honorable Justice
That's-a 'cause we never technically signed the papers. We simply drew them up, asked you to sign them, and then had a good laugh about it later over our mid-afternoon wine. No wonder you people couldn't hold the Empire together, with amateurs like that in charge of running it!


Right Honorable Justice
Not the Austro-Hungarian "Empire," genius.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Spring 1902: Begin

General Renaud de Thom watched as the most pretentious man he ever met engaged in some of the most repulsive pageantry the military had to offer. It was also a pitiful waste of champagne. He supposed it was better than decades past, when the idea of baptising a ship before launch was quite literal. As the president began gladhanding and accepting thanks - as if he had anything to do with the matter besides pressing a seal to the papers Renaud put in front of him - the flagship of the Second Fleet sailed out of the harbor of Brest. Its horns blared and its sailors waved the citizens goodbye. They would be back by sundown.

At least for now, that is. The fleet's present orders were to idle in Brest, but today was only the beginning of the spring campaign. Renaud had won de facto control of the French navy last year, and would be finding a use for the Second soon enough. The president was nearing his station, which meant it was time to take his leave. He had been away from his war room for too long anyhow. This distraction was hardly worth it. Renaud strode to the streets, where loyal soldiers were waiting with his automobile. He escaped into the back seat. His driver knew where to go.

He was chauffeured back to Paris, musing about how armies didn't get these ceremonies. Thank the Lord.

And here's the board for the coming year. Only three unoccupied centers left, and we've got more people bordering each other now. Should be fun. Happy hunting.

Orders are due Friday Night, by 11:59 PM


God-Emperor of Tealkind
I certainly am looking forward to seeing everyone's orders this phase. I think that the results will be quite interesting - I'm wondering how the situation in the West will develop in particular.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Spring 1902: Resolved

In Berlin Palace, there was a room plastered with maps, paperwork, and plain furniture. It was not very large, despite its importance, but it was enough to fit the six men it needed to. They ran all the armies and navies of a nation from this room. Simple, but that was how the man in charge liked things. Largesse was for the French. In this room, the Riege Strich - Germany's greatest military minds - knelt before their beloved Kaiser.

"You guys can get up, and I told you you don't have to do that. So what do you want to do this year?" asked Kaiser Liebwasser.

"Mein Kaiser, the English may have thwarted us last year but we are certain that if we strike at Denmark once more, we shall not fail," said General Schatten.

"Well, you didn't really fail. You saved them from the British, so that's pretty good," he replied.

"Thank you for the kind words, your majesty," said the general, coming out of his chair to kneel once more.

The Kaiser sighed, "Well do we have to invade them again? Can't we just talk to them? They're probably scared about Russia being so close to them. The Tsar is, uh-"

"A cruel tyrant?"

"A careless brute?"

"A complete buttmunch?"

"Yeah, that. Well, all of those things. Let's just talk to them, and instead of conquering them let's just be friends," the Kaiser suggested. The Riege looked at one another, and knelt once again.

"Truly, mein Kaiser, you are wise and merciful," said General Schatten, "Forgive us for being so belligerent towards the good Danish people. Admiral Pelzig will find our best diplomat and send them to Copenhagen at once."

"I guess I could do it. I should probably say sorry for the invasion last year, too."

"You should not have to apologize for our mistakes, your majesty," the general said.

"No, it's alright," he waved his hand, getting the general to finally stop kneeling and return to his chair, "I want to do this. I just hope I don't mess it up."

"With you taking leadership, we are certain that Denmark will bend the knee," Schatten declared.

The Kaiser shrugged, "Eh, they don't need to do that. I just want them to work with us."

"As you wish, mein Kaiser. Preparations will be made so you can leave within the week," said Admiral Pelzig.

"Okay, cool," the Kaiser thankful to move on, "What else do we have?"


As Kaiser Liebwasser traveled to Copenhagen, his traveling routes became unprompted parades - as usual. Even in Denmark, the people came out in droves to see him. Two days after arriving in the capital, the Danes swore allegiance to the Kaiser for an eternity, and thanked his majesty for his wisdom and guidance. They asked if the Kaiser could spare an army to defend them, and he granted their request. Before the season was over, the German army peacefully marched through Denmark to a base recently vacated for them.

The Austrian Campaign: Spring 1902
-Battle of Vienna: Italy vs Austria-Hungary, 1v1. Result: Standoff

The Archduke was charged with removing the Italians from Trieste, and so he did so with the easiest most straightforward solution. He invited them to the Hofburg to discuss terms! Telegrams were exchanged, and the Italians agreed to come northward and meet with the Archduke. The Italian general was no fool, and brought many troops with him. Halfway to Vienna, his army halted un-ordered. The Archduke had come to them, alone on a horse. Van Jasper was brought to him, so that he would be well placed as a hostage when the inevitable ambush came. But it never did. The Archduke insisted there was none, and indeed that there was no significant military presence in Vienna whatsoever! He truly wished to speak peacefully with the Italians, and get those gyros the Empress wanted.

They continued to the Hofburg, talking with the Archduke the whole way. The rumors were true, the man was deranged, yet in a coherent sort of way. All the while, his words rang true. No ambush ever came, until they were five days from the palace.

Astride the road stood an entire army of Austria-Hungarians, weapons at the ready to annihilate them. The general was furious, but the Archduke was positively livid. The general ordered his men into formation, ready to fight a battle they would surely lose, but before a shot was fired Van Jasper charged through the Italian lines on his horse, hollering some incomprehensible name. Must've been Hungarian.

As it happened, the Prime Minister of Hungary had heard of the Archduke's order, and that Italians were marching to Hofberg. It was the final straw for that man, and so he falsified orders and drove to the base of the Budapest army. He ordered the general to march to Vienna posthaste, that they needed to intercept the Italians the Archduke had lured to the Hofburg. And so they marched, the Prime Minister traveling with them.

But no battle was fought, as the Archduke ordered his army to stand down and return to Budapest, but not until they arrested the Prime Minister and delivered him into his custody. He apologized to the Italians, and offered the Prime Minister's life as satisfaction, but the general declined. This peace endeavor was a fiasco, he would be returning to Trieste, and he would hear no more of terms until the Archduke had proven himself trustworthy.

-Battle of Trieste: Italy vs Austria-Hungary, 1v1. Result: Standoff

When the army from Serbia arrived at Trieste - as ordered - they found not the empty city they were promised, but one teeming with angry Italians. A cannon shot as they approached, landing scant yards in front of the vanguard. The commanders halted, seeking no quarrel. The Archduke had ordered them not to fight any Italians, yet their destination was a city full of their soldiers! Faced with contravening one of the Archduke's two orders, they elected to preserve the lives of their men. The Italians were well defended, and victory could not be certain. Best to return to Serbia, apologize to the Archduke, and await further orders.

Trieste remained in Italian hands.

A war of words erupted throughout the empire, as the Archduke accused the Prime Minister of Hungary of treason for usurping Van Jasper's command of the Hungarian army and contravening his orders, while the Prime Minister's supporters declared him the savior of Vienna. The Prime Minister won many hearts in Austria for his actions, and was already popular in Hungary, but Trieste reviled him for it. In addition, many still held faith in the Archduke, and believed him when he said his scheme would have succeeded. The issue proved divisive, as men fought each other over ill words said about the Prime Minister or Archduke. It all halted when the Empress spoke. She sacked the Prime Minister, agreeing with Van Jasper that he had committed treason. She did not sentence him to death, but it was understood that just because she hadn't didn't mean she wouldn't. The Archduke was confined to the Hofburg for the summer, with the Empress keeping a close eye on him as he plotted the Autumnal moves. The Empire held faith, knowing that the Empress would ensure that Trieste flew her flag once more.

Fall 1901:

So at the current rate, the Fall orders would be due at 11:59PM Christmas Eve. Ideally, everything could be in by then and we get a Christmas Armistice (I won't be able to post anything up until the 26th anyway). Obviously, because it's Christmas Eve, if not everything gets in by then that's fine because it's a holiday. Making that a hard deadline would be a dick move. If that happens, we'll just roll into a Wednesday night deadline, no problem.
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