Mach Plays Diplomacy


Right Honorable Justice
For the record, Riyant's a SNITCH.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
In traditional Russian fashion, I got extremely and terribly fucking drunk last night. Despite that, I'm still capable of fucking many of you plebs up and I intend on it if you cross me.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Rule Clarification: Was brought to my attention that I forgot to put this in the OP, so my bad, but a clarification on support. What you are supporting the unit to do must match what the unit was ordered to do. Can't support a unit to attack a different territory than it's going to (even if you can legally support to both provinces), but more importantly you cannot give +1 defense to a moving unit, just like you can't give +1 attack to a stationary unit. It'll just fail. As an example, please refer yourselves to like half of what Jeroth tried to do this turn.

Fall 1902: Resolved

Some clarifications, because the map has things a bit obscured. Trieste supported Budapest's defense, however the dotted line is obscured by the border around Budapest and the (failed) support action from Albania. The fleet in the Ionian Sea is supporting Serbia into Greece, not Albania (granted, the support was cut by an attack from the Aegean, but still). Everything else should be clear, even if there's quite a few failed orders.


Bohemia burned. They said the bohemians were an odd backwards people who practiced unconventional free-spirited lifestyles, but all Pietro saw were a bunch of gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitches. And that they were, given how easily they fell. Town after town, city after city, the Italian army liberated the nominal overlords of this place from their worthless subjects.

After a meager month of campaigning, the last of the Czech bitches' effort came in a pathetic defense of Prague. Generalissimo Pietro sat upon his horse on a hill, as his men marched forward. With a flick of his hand, a barrage of mortar shells rained upon the enemy.

"Il Duce," spoke the commander of his cavalry, Ricardo Ricordo, "Shall we ride into the battle together?" Pietro desired little more than to hear the crunch of Czech skulls under hoof, or to look the enemy in the eye as he fired a shell through their eye socket. Yet, were they worth the effort? Were these gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitches worth the attention?

"No," he said.

"As you wish, Il Duce. When would you like us to charge?"

"No," he said. The gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitches were not worth his time, nor were they worth his elite units'. The rank and file could obliterate them, and so they would.

"As you wish, Il Duce." Ricardo fell back into line. Ricardo was a good man, and a good soldier. He did not quite have Pietro's zeal for killing gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitches, but few did. They were such appropriate targets. The Czech lines were pathetic, untrained, and did embarrassingly little damage to his men. The Czech artillery was near nonexistent, their cavalry slow and torn apart by the Italian shells and the craters left by them, and their infantry crumbling with every minute. In no time at all, the Czech morale broke. It was a full disorganized retreat, and the road to Prague was open.

Then his soldiers' stopped pursuing.

"A spectacular victory as always, Il Duce. We shall round up prisoners and feast in Prague before sundown." Ricardo began signalling to the rest of his staff.

"No," Pietro said. The buzz and joy of his senior staff dwindled to a murmur.

"Well, shall we go straight to the city, then?"

"No", Pietro said. The men looked at one another, at a loss for words. They knew not what he wanted. Bah, the lot of them. Pietro pulled out his saber, and pointed it at the fleeing and helpless czech.

"Ah, shall we finally ride, Il Duce? Shall we run down some gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitches?"

The mad glint of battle lust shone in his eyes. His lips curled into a feral grin.



The Secession of Edinburgh: Fall 1902

After the Danes finally finished feasting to his health, the Kaiser needed a vacation. Something away from the fawning of politics and foreign affairs. He felt bad saying it, because he knew so many in the world had it more difficult, but it was exhausting and just got annoying after a while. Shortly after returning to Berlin, he set off to somewhere with the most miserably stoic people in the world: Scotland.

Unfortunately, his arrival did not go unnoticed, but at least the crowds were smaller here. He exchanged simple pleasantries with the local government just to be polite, but left for the countryside as fast as he could. The Kaiser heard there was a monster in one of the lochs, if he was lucky he'd find it and maybe get to draw it. Probably not, though. He wasn't that lucky. It was a pretty area though, and he got some great sketching in. He even got left alone, for the most part!

Before long a few people found him and asked for advice, but that was okay. He felt awkward giving it, because he didn't want people doing things they didn't want to just because he said so, but they always left happy, so that was something. Most of them he told the same thing. They really wanted to do something but were too afraid to do it, so he just encouraged them to try. A lot of them seemed interested in coming to Germany, and he was fine with that. Wasn't like they needed his permission for that. It was a nice two weeks though, and he was ready to go back home.

A week later, Prime Minister Lord Myles Lamber received a telegram from the newly minted Scottish Parliament declaring secession from the United Kingdom. Thanks were given to Germany for providing support in this time of transition, and the courage to follow their dreams.

The Austrian Campaign: Fall 1902

The Sultan was confused.

The Non-Battle of Trieste: Fall 1902

The Sultan, in his benevolence, ordered his army in Albania to support the incompetent Van Jasper in finally liberating Trieste. The fool could not do so on his own, but his Turks would see the noodlers evicted. A detachment marched through Trieste up towards the Hungarian territory. They were to link up with Van Jasper's army in Budapest, and march upon the city of Trieste. Outnumbered and outskilled, the Italians would retreat and Van Jasper would have his city back. When they reached the rendezvous point, Van Jasper's army was nowhere to be found. It was not unsurprising that the man would lead his army so poorly. There was evidence that a large force had passed through the area, however. Scouts went ahead, to see if Van Jasper left without them, but the road to Trieste was clear of troops. When word was sent to Budapest, they received no response. After a month of waiting with no response, the frustrated Turks marched home, furious over their wasted time.

The Battle of Budapest: Fall 1902
-Austria (w/ Support from Italy) vs Russia. 2v2. Result: Attack Repulsed.

In time, the mystery of the Hungarian Army was solved. It never left, and the force that marched though the area was not Austrians, but a detachment of Italians from Trieste! It made no sense! For Van Jasper, it was fortuitous as the Teal Tsar had chosen that season to invade. The pretenses were vague, and virtually non-existent beyond some missives from underlings, but none cared. Wanton aggression was simply the Tsar's way. His armies marched through the territory, harassed the whole way but never halted until they neared Budapest. A small Austrian army stood in their path. Perhaps not too small, but certainly insufficient to repel the invading force the Russians assembled. But they were dug in, and prepared for a hard battle. In that, the Russians were happy to oblige. The battle raged, and while the Austrians did an almost respectable job, they quickly found themselves on their second line of defense, nearing their third. Victory seemed assured, until artillery shells came careening from their flanks, right into the middle of their infantry. Italian troops charged behind them and to the sides, targeting and overrunning their artillery positions. It was ridiculous, Italians were doing this to them! A battle that was all but won turned into a fighting retreat - for that is the only retreat the Russians were permitted. Budapest held. Upon return to Galicia, the Russian general handed command to his subordinate, and returned to Moscow for summary execution. The Tsar did not permit failure.

The Non-Defense of Serbia: Fall 1902

Returning to the Sultan's confusion was the second army Van Jasper had. As a gesture of good will, another detachment of troops was sent to Serbia to join the Austrians and take up defensive positions in the territory for a few months - just in case. But once again, the Austrians weren't there. They had simply vanished as if they had retreated to Vienna without telling a soul. Without any purpose in Serbia, the troops returned to Bulgaria. Another wasted effort.

The Great Gyro Hunt: Fall 1902

Well there's where the Serbian army went. To Greece. Fucking Greece. One year after he achieved Xerxes' Dream, it collapsed because of some mad scheme of Van Jasper's. The man willingly ignored a city that belonged to him to take Greece. The Sultan's Greece! What an utter asshole. It was undefended, and rather hostile to his forces, so it wasn't hard for Van Jasper - who was apparently personally leading this attack - to seize the country. The Sultan nearly had a stroke when he found Van Jasper's correspondence to Italy.

"Thank you, my great pastafarian friends, for directing me to the world's greatest gyros! I know you said you would send ships to help us find the right place, but I heard that mean Sultan tried to attack you along the way! He had a couple guys hanging around here trying to stop us too. He must've wanted all the gyros for himself. We found that place, though! Real hole in the wall, but the Empress is pleased. I hope you don't mind, but we brought the restaurant people back to Vienna so the Empress can get her gyros much faster next time."

Battle of the Ionian Sea: Fall 1902

Oh, and besides that campaign he also tried to take the Ionian Sea, but Italy defended it. Not unsurprising, but just the cherry on top of this shit season.

With no retreats, we go right on to builds. As a reminder, you can only build in unoccupied home (starting) provinces, and max units = total supply centers controlled.

@Tirin, Russia gained 1 supply center (+Nor), at 6/7 you can build one unit in any of your home centers.
@Rondait, France gained 1 supply center (+Bel), at 5/6 you can build one unit in Brest or Marseilles
@coolpool2, Germany gained 2 supply centers (+Den, +Edi), at 4/6 you can build one unit in Kiel and one unit in Berlin
@Easy, Italy gained no new supply centers. You have no new builds.
@Jeroth, Turkey lost 1 supply center (-Gre), at 5/4 you must disband one of your units (no restrictions)
@Colonel Thunder, Austria-Hungary gained 1 supply center (+Gre), at 3/4 you get an army in Vienna unless you don't want to build a unit for some reason
@Milamber, England lost 1 supply center (-Edi), at 3/2 you must disband one of your units (no restrictions)

Oh, let's call deadline Thursday Night at 11:59 PM EST
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Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Hey guys totally didn't forget about this today

Oh look some people built some stuff and some other people had to scrap their fleets because boats are expensive amirite? Anyway, since Van Jasper's two year plan to find a half-decent sandwich finally paid off, he got rewarded with a budget increase. He tried to buy the ships the Turks were selling, but for whatever reason the Sultan just wasn't interested. Weird.

1903: Begin

Deadline Will Be Tuesday (1/1/19) at 11:59 PM EST. Happy New Year.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Spring 1903: Resolved

The Invasion of Great Britain: Spring 1903

The Defense of Scottish Independence
-Germany vs England (Support Cut by France). 1v1. Result: Scotland Remains Free

Lord Myles Lamber was presented with a choice. Return the Scottish back to the fold, or oust the French from Wales. Who did he value more? The sheep fuckers or the haggis eaters? A proper brit, the answer was neither, and so he flipped a coin. Bah, pipe bags it is.

It didn't work. The Scottish people were forced back by the superior English army, but the sight of a German ship in dock - a local businessman had purchased one of the Kaiser's original drawings of the countryside from last year - stopped his forces from taking the city. Nobody wanted a fight with the Kaiser - all of Europe would rise against you for that. The English Navy did not engage (they needed to go fend off a French incursion into the North Sea), and so the British Army ceased battling and camped down while Lord Lamber re-strategized. Edinburgh would enjoy at least a few months more of this independence fantasy.

The Fall of London

General Renaud was stupefied. He commanded last year's amphibious assault on Wales, the surprise attack being remarkably successful, and moved on London instead. He expected fierce resistance, and commanded the fleet in the English channel to blockade the Themes and send support up it. This was the British capital, and Lord Lamber would not be caught off guard again... but the city was empty. Not just of armed forces, but of people. He kept his men on guard, knowing an ambush could be around any corner, but there was none. Lord Lamber abandoned London.

Somehow, despite the lack of a battle, London Bridge fell down.

The Austrian Campaign: Spring 1903

All Quiet On The Home Front

In Spring 1903, the most shocking thing in the entire war happened. The Russians didn't attack anybody. No one. Not even in Scandinavia. They dug in for the winter, and kept that going for spring. Spy networks across the continent chittered with each other, having no clue why this had happened. Did the Tsar die? Was he neutered in a coup? Was there some sort of mass sabotage at play? Nobody knew the answer, and while nobody had a problem with the peace, it was utterly terrifying.

Peaceful Maneuverings In The Balkans

With his gyro expedition completed, the Archduke declared he no longer had need of the greeks, and entered talks with Turkey and Italy so that they may peacefully reorient their territories. The Sultan restored Xerxes' Dream for the season, Italy was given Albania, and the Archduke solidified rule in Turkey. At no point did Trieste enter negotiations, which was fine and good to them as they'd rather liked being in Italian state. They'd given up on liberation a long time ago, anyhow.

Fall 1903

Fall Orders Due. Deadline is Saturday (1/5/19) at 11:59PM EST.


Right Honorable Justice
We might have cut off their rail lines and looted their treasury, but it was totally worth it for the improved cuisine.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1903: Resolved

Clarifications: The reason Italy's fleet from Tunis to the Ionian failed is because the rule against self-dislodgement. The movement into Greece failed, so even though the Tunis movement had enough power to succeed, Italy can't boot out Italy from a space. Auto-fails. Also, there's a support action from Aegean to Greece that doesn't seem to be apparent, but it happened.

The Invasion of Great Britain: Fall 1903

Living in Buckingham Palace was amusing, but the novelty faded after a month, and was about to evaporate entirely. London was just a miserable place to live; this whole island was. No wonder the whole country was humorless.

The attack on Liverpool predictably failed, though it was still worth attempting. Once again, his scouts found the city evacuated. Where the English were keeping these people, he knew not, but no cannonballs struck the city this season. Still, the General was an old hand at deception, and his suspicions proved right. When his main force attempted to seize England's western shoreline, the English army came over the hills. They fought for quite some time. They harried each other over a few weeks as each fled to different defensive positions across the countryside, before agreeing to a ceasefire before the winter ended. As agreed, both would retreat from the area and Liverpool would be uncontested.

It was a nice diversion to occupy the British as his admirals seized the North Sea. He would have to send an apology to the Kaiser, as it appeared some of his ships were accidentally blocked from trading with the newly independent Scotland. Taking Liverpool would have been nice, but this positional advantage was the key. Everything was lining up for Britain to fall by this time next year.

Which is why the President was coming, so the bastard could try and paint some of the glory on his wrinkled face. Perhaps the Palace would suffer an unfortunate fire while the President was staying in it. How regrettable.

The Austria-Hungary Campaign: Fall 1903

What? Like seriously, what?

These are the words spoken over a century later when historians tried to decipher what the hell Van Jasper's strategy was in the fall of 1903. Experts consulted many primary sources, military doctrine, and mind-altering substances to figure out what Van Jasper's aims were, to no avail. The leading hypothesis is that the man was addicted to being in a position of weakness, which is why despite Italy returning an ambivalent Trieste to him, he set the army in Bulgaria on a mission that had no real ability to succeed and led to Russia succeeding on its second attempt at conquest. Was it politically motivated, in response to the betrayal of the Prime Minister years prior? Unlikely, as he could've let that happen last year. Was he betrayed by Russia? Possible, though this is in discordance with the many screeds the Teal Tsar had spoken against the Archduke in seasons prior.

Whatever the reasons, the Archduke once again found himself on the backfoot struggling to reclaim a core province of his empire, and against a juggernaut of an opponent.

Gonna need retreat orders from @Milamber and @Colonel Thunder ASAP. Milamber, you can send that fleet to the Norwegian Sea, the Skagerrak, or you can just disband it. TC, you can send Budapest to Vienna or disband it.

After that, we'll sweep into building.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
I expect that I am going to take some small amount of hatred for the plays that I have just made. Frankly, I don't care about those complaints, and have only one thing to say: turnabout is PHAIR play.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Let it be known that Tirin's worth is no greater than that of a gay-ass, baby-ass, stupid-ass, worthless-ass Czech pride stinking bitch who betrays not only agreements, but FANCY WELL-WRITTEN SIGNED agreements!

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1903: Retreats

It was not a matter of if England would fall, but when, Lord Lamber knew. General de Thom had them surrounded. However, the Prime Minister was proud of how he handled his situation, even if his Cabinet was not. They pretended that French victory had not been inevitable, that they could successfully defend their homeland against this assault. He expected to be ousted for his actions, and likely would have had King Oliver not intervened. His majesty saw the wisdom in his actions. Evacuating Liverpool and London was expensive and difficult, but better to concede those cities than see them torn apart by war. His first duty was not the defense of his homeland, but the protection of his people. He stalled and delayed, but in one year's time he would be negotiating his surrender. To do so to the baguettes was shameful, but better to bear shame than the blood of the British people.

Now, time to build.

@Tirin, Russia gained 1 supply center (+Bud), so at 7/8 you can build 1 unit in any home center but Warsaw
@Rondait, France gained 1 supply center (+Lon), so at 6/7 you can build 1 unit in any home center
@coolpool2, Germany gained no supply centers, so at 6/6 you have no new builds
@Jeroth, Turkey gained 1 supply center (+Gre), so at 4/5 you can build 1 unit in any home center
@Easy, Italy lost 1 supply center (-Tun), so at 5/4 you must disband 1 unit
@Colonel Thunder, Austria-Hungary has a net loss of 1 supply center (+Tri, -Gre, -Bud), so at 4/3 you must disband 1 supply center
@Milamber, England lost 1 supply center (-Lon), but at 1/1 you have no new builds

Please get your builds in by 11:59 PM tomorrow.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
You betrayed me but a year ago, TC, and I am a man who cares about value: the value of an agreement is not in the quality of the paper or ink or calligraphy, but the word of those involved.

Your word is worth shit, and in any case you owed me Budapest. Debt repaid, bitch.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
@Milamber @coolpool2 @Rondait @Easy @Jeroth


In 1904, Russia will be threat to us all. Observe that they have more supply centers than any other nation. Additionally, their positioning allows them to access virtually any part of the map with ease. They have no threats to the north, east, or south. They are well positioned to take their suspect ally Turkey's unguarded home centers this year, as well as overrun my final territories.

If we do not unite to stop Russia from gaining ground this very year, they will surely dominate Europe whilst we squabble among ourselves over western affairs.

I am publicly calling for an Anti-Russian Coalition among all nations for the year 1904. I propose that we temporarily end hostilities among ourselves and focus on pushing the Russians back. At the end of the year, we will assess whether or not this ARC agreement should be renewed based on the distribution of supply centers at that time.

Leaders of Europe! Who will join me in this noble cause!?
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