Mach Plays Diplomacy


God-Emperor of Tealkind
There is no nobility in this cause. These are the desperate pleas of a man on the brink of destruction hoping for someone, anyone, to save him from the whirlwind he has reaped through betraying me. He is alone, and mistaken in the belief that I intend on the ruination of Europe. Stay in your homes in the west and I will not come for you; enter my domain and your life and lands are forfeit.


Right Honorable Justice
You betrayed me but a year ago, TC, and I am a man who cares about value: the value of an agreement is not in the quality of the paper or ink or calligraphy, but the word of those involved.
Well said. For anyone else considering the possibility of signing a pact with the Tsar in future, allow me to present the exact and unadultered text of the Pact of Hungary, Austria, Italy, and Russia, or PHAIR Trade Deal, that he co-signed last Spring:



God-Emperor of Tealkind
I don't see my signature, bitch, and I said turnabout is PHAIR play for a reason. It's fair as fuck.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1903: Builds

Well apparently scholars are morons who didn't see or know about the publicly leaked PHAIR Trade Deal which explains why Van Jasper did what he did. He actually did sell Budapest to the Tsar, who then promptly screwed him over by not fulfilling his end of the bargain. Historians are struggling to keep count of the number of times this has happened with the Archduke.

Anyhow, let's shoot for Wednesday at midnight (11:59PM EST) for orders.


God-Emperor of Tealkind
Where's my apology, you shady little baby bitch? Or does fucking me over not count just 'cause you got rightfully blasted?

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
SWEET NEW RULE: So I keep getting questions about this, but to make it clear, no screenshots or complete transcriptions whatsoever, regardless of if it's from what you said, somebody else said, or I said. The guiding principle is: People must take you at your word. Your word, and what you've done on the board. As an asterisk, formal treaties like PHAIR can be released if all signatories agree (in future games I'll probably change this to free leaking, but for now play nice).

Spring 1904

The Austria-Hungary Campaign: AKA, A Devil's Quadrilateral

And also some far less interesting things happened.

Note: You may have noticed that TC's army in Serbia completely disappeared. Because it did. It was evicted from that territory by Jeroth, and lacking any valid places to retreat it automatically disbanded.

Anyhow, two retreat orders this time around.

@Milamber, your army in York can retreat to Edinburgh or disband (York was fought over this turn, so you can't retreat there)
@Colonel Thunder, your army in Vienna can retreat to Tyrolia or Bohemia, or disband.

Please get these in ASAP


Right Honorable Justice
SWEET NEW RULE: So I keep getting questions about this, but to make it clear, no screenshots or complete transcriptions whatsoever, regardless of if it's from what you said, somebody else said, or I said. The guiding principle is: People must take you at your word. Your word, and what you've done on the board. As an asterisk, formal treaties like PHAIR can be released if all signatories agree (in future games I'll probably change this to free leaking, but for now play nice).
Yeah, I'm way the fuck ahead of you here. Hey everyone, wanna know what it's like to be surrounded by backstabbing fuckin' Czech-stink bitches like these three two?

Can't hate on the memes, but fuck, at some point I'm not sure it's worth all this degeneracy.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Spring 1904, End

The Archduke's scheming had come back to bite him in the ass - and not in a fun way. The Sultan, Tsar, and Il Duce had carved up his empire, and while he had reoccupied Budapest that army was surrounded by hostiles. There were good odds it would not survive the year. Trieste had welcomed the return of the Italians with a day of celebration. The Serbs... well they were the Serbs. But worst of all, Vienna had been taken, and with it the great gyro maker he brought in from Greece. The Empress was furious, and some of the soldiers feared for the man. Lord knew what tortures that man was being subjected to in the Russian dungeons.


In the Kremlin, the Teal Tsar was munching on gyros, trying to understand why a war was fought over these damn things.

Fall Orders due Sunday Night. Happy hunting, and happy last stands.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member

Fall 1904

Note: York is supporting North Sea to Edinburgh, the dotted line is just obscured. That support is not cut by Milamber's attack as a unit can't cut support that's being poured into its own province - specifically for circumstances like this. Once again, TC's army in Budapest has nowhere to run and auto-dies.

Lord Lamber's room at Balmoral Castle was quite luxurious for a jail cell. It was formerly a prince's chamber, though he knew not whose. The French confined him to these quarters a week ago, at least until their president arrived. Lord Lamber was to give an official surrender. He was the Prime Minister who lost Britain, and the first to do so in over eight hundred years. The history books would mock him for that.

It was another three days before President Morse arrived, and delivered the terms. He wasn't sure what was more agonizing - the man or having to sign his country away to him. Apparently, Morse believed serving six months on a ship that never left Marseilles constituted "considerable military experience" that no Englishman could overcome, and that he had a large impact on the campaign from his home in Paris. Lamber would rather spend a week with the Archduke than another minute hearing that man bluster about himself. The Archduke at least knew that he was insane... probably.

It would be announced tomorrow. There was no haggling permitted. Lord Lamber had done all he could for England. His country had fallen, but his people were kept intact. A viceroy would come take the reigns at some point in the coming month, Lamber would likely have to flee to Ireland, and that would be that.

Someone knocked on the door, breaking Lamber's reverie. He opened it, revealing some French officer.

"Lord Lamber, may I come in?" he asked.

"Certainly, sir," he answered. The officer walked in, and with a motion the french guards closed the door behind him.

"I am General Renaud de Thom, of the First Army," he said in slightly accented English.

"And the first man to conquer England since William of Normandy." Was the man here to rub it in?

"Yes, not the hardest campaign, but you proved vexing on occasion," de Thom spoke as if that insult was a compliment, "I understand you had the pleasure of meeting with the President earlier."

"I did. President Morse was gracious, all things considered. From the first moment, he was clearly a fitting leader for France."

The general snorted, "The man is an oaf." Glad to see it wasn't just Lamber who saw it.

"Certainly. Yet you Frenchmen still elected him."

"Indeed. But he can hardly rule one country, let alone the others I've taken for him. England will suffer under his watch," said de Thom, "You are a second-rate commander, Lord Lamber, but a talented politician. Your people still respect you, for while you failed to defend your borders you still protected their homes. I cannot fathom how you orchestrated those evacuations politically or logistically, but I plan to put those gifts to use. It will be under French rule, but I will put you back in charge of your country."

"With all due respect, General de Thom, how can you deliver on that?"

"Because my next conquest will be the presidency. And you will help me."


Meanwhile, in Tyrolia, the despondent Archduke-in-exile happened upon a pamphlet.

"What's Oktoberfest?"

Note: Typically, Milamber would still be entitled to a retreat order even though he just lost his last supply center. Theoretically, a player in that situation could retreat to an open supply center and continue on, but as his only eligible location is Clyde, this obviously can't happen and we're cutting out that step.

Anyhow, two retreat orders before we go to builds/disbands.

@Tirin, your fleet in Rumania can go to the Black Sea or Rumania, or disband.
@coolpool2, your army may go to Ruhr, Silesia, or Bohemia, or disband (Kiel is not an option, as it was fought over this turn).

Please get these orders in ASAP.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1904, End

As the Austria-Hungarians wintered in Munich after their crushing loss at Beerfest, the sailors in the Tsar's southern fleet were evicted from Bulgaria. While they could have retreated to Rumania or returned to the Black Sea, instead servicemen deserted in droves rather than face the Tsar's wrath. The fleet was functionally lost. The Okhrana were going to have their hands full.

Which leads us to builds.

@Tirin, Russia gained 1 supply center (+Vie), and at 7/9 you may build 2 units
@Rondait, France gained 2 supply centers (+Lvp, +Edi), and at 7/9 you may build 2 units
@Easy, Italy gained 2 supply centers (+Tri, +Ser), and at 4/6 you may build 2 units
@Jeroth, Turkey has no change, and remains at 5/5
@coolpool2, Germany lost 2 supply centers (-Edi, -Mun), and at 6/4 you must disband 2 units
@Colonel Thunder, Austria-Hungary has a net loss of 2 supply centers (-Vie, -Ser, -Tri, +Mun), but at 1/1 your unit count is accurate.

Please get your builds in by the end of tomorrow night.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
1905 Start

So, I think I've said it elsewhere, but we've reached the end of what I consider "Phase 1" of Diplomacy. Just based on the map, there tends to be three initial battlegrounds in this phase. First is Scandinavia (Denmark, Sweden, Norway, and St. Petersburg are the central supply centers involved), but that basically went to Russia without contest. Second is the Balkans+, I say + because while Rumania, Bulgaria, Greece, and Serbia are the core centers, we saw here that Austria-Hungary's centers were in play and depending on how things go Turkish centers, Sevastapol, and sometimes Venice can all come under quick fire. A big fat mess that area is. And then the third battleground is whoever France is fighting.

It's pretty obvious why the first two are battlegrounds. They're clustered unclaimed supply centers with multiple countries in reach (compare to Iberia, which only France can quickly strike). Meanwhile the third is different because France doesn't have easy access to the Balkans or Scandinavia, and well, they gotta fight somebody. Doesn't necessarily mean France can choose, as Germany and Britain could easily ally against him, but you get the idea. Phase 1 is the fight over these battlegrounds and when you kinda get a winner out of them.

Scandinavia, as said, was an easy Russian claim. The French battlefield was obviously in England and won by France. While there's still somewhat of a contest in the Balkans, with Austria-Hungary ousted, the other two fronts closed, and the focus starting to shift, I feel like a transition has occurred.

And so we move on to phase 2. We have some established powers on the board, and the battlegrounds are shifting from neutral/contested areas to elsewhere.

The Score

First Place: Russia (Tirin), and France (Rondait) at 9
Third Place: Italy (Easy) at 6
Fourth Place:
Turkey (Jeroth) at 5
Fifth Place:
Germany (Coolpool) at 4
Sixth Place:
Austria-Hungary (TC) at 1

Remember, the goal is 18. Happy Hunting.

Orders due by the end of Friday Night

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Spring 1905

Note: Holland and Belgium attacked one another. Belgium won, because it had support and Holland didn't.

Deep in Moscow, there was a place so decrepit and vile that men feared to speak of it. Those who visited did so unwillingly, and suppressed all memories of it. It was not hidden - no matter how many wished to keep it out of sight and mind - but had only one patron. It was the Tsar's seraglio.

Dozens of lookalikes - all dusted in body paint - embraced in an orgy of alcohol and sex. At the center of it was a man with no paint at all - but a strange medical condition. Where as normal men had but a few veins visible from the surface, this man was covered in them. His skin was not pale or tan, but mottled with an off shade of bluish green. The name "Teal Tsar" did not sprout from nothing.

General Trinadtsat was the only man who dared enter. He had no choice, for the Tsar had ordered all pertinent war reports come to him, no matter the occasion. The Tsar said such things often, but was furious when interrupted; almost as furious as when he wasn't and felt 'out of the loop'. The general was of the opinion that it was best to keep the Tsar informed, though he loathed this place. It was so unclean.

The manwhores parted around him, staring at him as though he were some freak. They did not stop themselves. The Tsar stared at him, and snarled.

"What do you want?" he said between grunts, "This better be worth it."

"Your majesty, I bring you tidings from the war in Germany," he replied, looking the Tsar right in the eye and nowhere else.

"Hmph. We're winning, right?"

"Of course. We have secured both Berlin and Denmark. We expect complete victory by the end of the year."

"Delicious," he moaned, though the general had a guess as to what had brought him the most pleasure, "Did you get the Kaiser?"

"No sir, he seems to have escaped. Then last squad to come in contact with him defected, as we feared."

"Fear?!" the Tsar slapped the ass of the last whore and summoned another, "Those rotten czech-pride traitors will know the fear of my foot up their ass! How did you let this happen?!"

"The Kaiser is widely known to be quite charming, and as we've told you he's the most popular man in Europe-"

"FAKE NEWS!" An absurd accusation, the general thought. The Kaiser actually believed quite strongly in a free and unbiased press. Germany had fostered some very respectable institutions in their borders. The Tsar continued, "Those polls were rigged and had illegal immigrants from China voting!"

"Yes, as you've said, your majesty."

"That's why we did our own polls with real Europeans in Turkey. They know I'm better than the pathetic Kaiser." His hand wrapped around the neck of his new plaything, as he resumed thrusting.

"Yes, I suppose now we should talk about them. A Turkish army has slipped around the edge of our lines and taken Rumania. They are entrenched and we are unlikely to dislodge them on our own at the moment."

A thing cracked. The Tsar had lost a province and a doppelganger tonight.

@coolpool2, your army in Ruhr can disband or it can retreat to Belgium, your call.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member

The Kaiser felt pretty guilty about being out of the country during this time, but Belgium had some pretty good waffles. It also helped that like half his country seemed to follow him. At first it was just those guilty Russian soldiers, but then an entire army showed up. It was kinda awkward, having an army in another country like this, but when he apologized to the Belgian government they acted all happy about it. And it wasn't fake either.

People were weird.

Orders due by the end of Tuesday Night.

Steal Thy Kill

Well-Known Member
Fall 1905

Oh, whoops, that's not the map. That's Jeroth and Tirin on Discord last night.

And that's me watching Tirin, Jeroth, and Easy on Discord last night.

Ah, there we go. To clarify, Holland supported Burgundy into Belgium, and Belgium supported Kiel into Holland. This cut both supports, meaning everybody bounced out, and because everybody else tried to support Kiel to hold and it moved instead, they all failed. It's glorious and I love it.


Things looked bleak for Germany. It was beset by foes on all sides, and while they were not all united with one another, they all had designs on German soil. The Kaiser, though safe, felt a need to defend his people. He was no warrior, but a man of peace, and so he put out a simple request: "Could you not?" That request hit the newspapers, and from there the doorsteps of every leader in Europe. They all saw his request. They all agreed.

And so nobody attacked Kiel this turn, despite a sizable chance at taking it. Instead, they all showed support towards its people to care for them through the winter.

Had issues with the first image last night, but the second worked fine and so I shared it. Jeroth was thankfully able to issue his retreat orders last night before the saltfest.

And now we go to builds, as the Turkish fleet hilariously retreats into Rome and takes Italy's capital after Italy ousts it from the Tyrrhenian Sea. Watch your retreats kids.

@Tirin, Russia has a net gain of zero (+Den, +Ber, -Vie, -Rum), however at 8/9 units (Vienna was destroyed as it lacked a retreat) you may build 1 unit.
@Rondait, France has a net gain of zero (+Hol, -Bel), and at 9/9 units you have no builds
@Easy, Italy has a net gain of one (+Vie, +Gre, -Rome), and at 6/7 units you may build 1 unit
@Jeroth, Turkey has a net gain of one (+Rum, +Rome, -Gre), and at 5/6 units you may build 1 unit
@coolpool2, Germany has a net loss of two (+Bel, -Hol, -Den, -Ber), but at 2/2 units you have no disbands
@Colonel Thunder, Austria Hungary has no change, and therefore no builds.

If you three lovebirds can get the builds in ASAP that'd be great
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