[Literature] Story: A Very Teal Christmas

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 21

"Okay, almost done," said Tirin. "Just a few more neighborhoods."


The mech suit was flying far above the forum, using a GPS to track remaining houses. The suit's features were a great aid. LM had worked wonders modifying the device.


Tirin's stomach growled. He was low on energy, and Ciflit's house had neither milk or cookies. He glanced at one of the rear-view cameras. "I'll be cutting it pretty close," said Tirin. Dawn was approaching.


Something wasn't right. Tirin looked at the camera again, and saw a bright flash. The whole suit shook, and Tirin was thrusted forward as he heard an explosion. The camera screen went black and an alarm began blaring.


"Engine 3 non-functional. Stabilizing mech."


"Fuel tank 3 severe leaking. Severing line."


Tirin grabbed the controls and spun the suit around, making it fly backwards. Four more missiles were inbound. Tirin flipped the auto-target toggle, and the machine gun mount immediately swerved and fired, taking out three missiles just as they were about to hit. The fourth missile hit below where Tirin could see out of the viewport, and the craft rocked again.


"Auto-targeting non-functional."


"Right arm cannons one and three non-functional."


"Shit." Tirin grabbed the flight stick and manual gun controls. More missiles were coming. Tirin piloted the mech into some clouds above, darting and zipping through them at various speeds to lose the projectiles. Several missiles lost their signal and trailed off elsewhere in the sky, but a dozen more kept their mark. Tirin sprayed the sky with bullets, taking out five of the closest targets. He carefully aimed to take down the further ones, but they seemed impervious to bullets. Tirin launched his own projectiles from the last remaining arm cannon, but without auto-targeting it was useless. The enemy missiles were getting closer, close enough for Tirin to see they were heavily plated with some kind of metal casing.


"Oh, screw this!" said Tirin. He charged a ball of energy in his hand and shot it through the viewport, shattering most of the glass. It flew forward and collided with the closest missile, easily causing it to detonate en route. "Ha!" Tirin fired a volley of more energy balls, a few of which similarly took down more targets. But he soon ran out of energy and found himself exhausted, very sleepy even. Three missiles were left. Tirin tried to pilot away, but their heat signature were locked on. They were too close. Tirin braced for impact.


The first missile hit and sent the mech spinning. Tirin didn't have time to strap himself in, he began bouncing around the cockpit. The alarm was reading off the numerous damages, but he couldn't hear it over the sound of the screaming engines. The mech jerked and spun the other way as the second missile hit. Fuel started spewing into the cockpit, and Tirin heard parts clanging and ripping off the mech as it fell down to the earth.


Tirin didn't want to see what the third missile would do. He kicked off of the sidewall and shot himself through the remaining glass in the viewport, gaining as much horizontal distance away from the mech as possible. A final explosion deafened him, and sent him tumbling madly - fortunately away from the mech's flaming debris. Tirin started blacking out, but the wind in his face kept him awake. And alive. Tirin shot all of his remaining energy downward to act as thrust, hoping to cushion his fall. He still left a small crater in the ground when he hit.


Tirin laid there motionless, his body screaming in pain. His burnt arm felt good in the snow. Failure was all he could think of as he saw the sun begin to rise and passed out.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 22

"Ha, nice shooting!" said Bob.


"Thanks," returned 13th. He tossed the empty rocket launcher behind him, into a pile of other empty, smoldering rocket launchers.


"Took long enough though," said Bob. "Good thing I brought those armored ones."


"Yeah, you did good," said 13th. "Whew, I'm just glad we took care of that menace. C'mon, let's go check the wreckage."


"Aw, do we have to?" asked Bob. He sat down in the snow. "We've been chasing this guy all night. I mean, look, the sun's rising now."


"No Bob, we have to verify the kill. Let's, um, is it seriously dawn already?" 13th squinted at the sun. "Y'know what, I bet the wreckage will still be there this afternoon. Let's get a few hours rest before all the Christmas commotion starts.


"Sweet!" said Bob, and they walked away together.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 23


"Hey, wake up!" Tirin opened his eyes. Req was standing above him. "You son of a bitch, you did it. You actually did it."


"Leave me alone," said Tirin. He rolled over and tried to fall asleep. He was sore everywhere, and particularly cross about his partial failure.


Req kicked him.


"Ow, what the hell do you want you, uh...how did I get here?" Tirin looked around. He was in the guest room at Req's house. "I thought I was-"


"Lying in an open field surrounded by burning wreckage in a near-death state?" Regis entered the room. "Yeah, you were. I found Req when my harness broke, and we managed to track you down. After you blew up."


Tirin looked at him and paused. "Thanks."


"Don't mention it," he replied. "Anyways, Req we're gonna be late. I'll meet you guys there."


"Shoot, you're right." Req looked at his watch. "C'mon Tirin. Wolfy and everyone else are waiting for us."


Tirin limped out of bed with Req's help. "Where are we headed?"


"City Hall. There's...something there," said Req.


"Can we stop by my house? I, uh, need to grab something."


"Whatever, just make it fast," said Req. "And don't use too much energy. It'll be a day before you recover."


The two of them walked to Tirin's house, then made their way towards City Hall. Tirin's limp was agitating him a bit less now.


They stopped outside the plaza. Bailey, Ravenhall, and Whitetiger were setting up a new Christmas tree.


"A bit to the left," directed Danny. "Good, good, now secure it!" The men scrambled and tied down the tree.


"Now the lights!" said Bryaugh. Bailey stuck a plug into the nearby generator, and all the lights on the tree shined gloriously. "Oh, oh, don't forget the star!" Ravenhall scrambled up the tree and placed a star on top. "Perfect!"


"Wait, uh, isn't that the Jewish star?" said Whitetiger. It was. Sideshow Bob began laughing hysterically.


"Tirin, there you are!" Wolfy stepped outside of City Hall. She ran over to Tirin and kissed his cheek. "I'm so proud of you! Come in, come in!" She grabbed his arm and forcibly dragged him inside.


"Hey, careful. That arm was on fire earlier, y'know. Whoa." Tirin stopped. Most of the forumers were gathered inside. There was a massive tree, lights, and presents everywhere - addressed to everyone in the community. The benches had been moved to make way for a dance floor, and there was a tremendous feast in the back room. "How is this-"


"I knew you had it in you, I knew you could be Santa," said Wolfy. She was absolutely ecstatic.


"Wolfy, I didn't even-"


"I'll get us some food, hero," she went into the back room.


Tirin looked to Req. "Santa left the house when we went to find you," said Req. "I guess he finished the job and did this as a thank you or something."


Tirin smiled and looked around.


Tropag, Kyle, and Riyant were by the punch bowl.


"Kind of weird they put egg nog in a punch bowl," said Tropag. "Unless that's actually normal. I dunno. I'm usually too drunk to notice." He took a long drink from his cup.


"Being sober not all it's cracked up to be?" asked Kyle. Tropag nodded, and took another drink. "Sorry man. Really though, I'm just happy I got the weather machine fixed. We should have a cozy blanket of snow soon if the-"


"Wait, wait, how much of that egg nog have you been drinking?" asked Riyant.


"I dunno, this is like my fifth cup or something," said Tropag.


"Uh, that's my specialty egg nog," said Riyant. "It's like...80% rum."


Tropag's eyes widened. Something churned in his gut, and he leaped up in the air. By the time he landed his eyes were glazed, his beard had grown to the perfect "unshaven" length, and he was completely inebriated. "I'm back, hic, baby! Whooo!" Tropag started running and fell over. He crawled back to the egg nog for a sixth cup.


Outside, Milamber and Farful ambushed the unsuspecting Scarvexx and Kratour with a distinguishable snowball arsenal. The two victims ran for cover, sprinting past Firedemon. FD, wearing oven mitts to keep his hands from melting the snow, gleefully built snowmen scenes in TC's lawn. One group depicted Firedemon stepping on TC, and in the other he was hitting him with a mackerel.



Walrus and Melody were hanging out by the dance floor.


"Hey Melody, want to dance?" said Walrus.


"No, not really," said Melody. "Anyways, I heard about you going around giving little kids presents and stuff. That's pretty sweet of you."


"Sweet enough to get a dance with m'lady?"


"Uh, no," she said. "Sorry Walrus, not today."


"Oh, look!" Walrus pointed above him. "We're under the mistletoe. You know what that means, wink wink!"


"Okay fine, one dance! One! Okay?" said Melody. Walrus eagerly pulled her onto the dance floor.



Nifty and TC had observed the scene. They seemed to be over their spat.


"It's weird, did you know that mistletoe is actually poisonous?" said TC.


"We're actually standing under one right now, dear."


"It depends on the kind of mistletoe though."


"Dear.."


"In fact, the whole tradition surrounding it is kinda funny, huh?"


"Dear.."


"I wonder if this kind is poisonous or not. Oh, I bet I can look it up and-"


"Oh, shut up you," said Nifty as she pulled her husband's face to hers.



Tirin saw several forumers starting to open their presents.


"I got a cat costume!" said @Rondait . "Yes!"


"I got hot wheels!" said Wilger. "Vroom vroom!"


"We got lucky charms! said @Jeb and Lumpy.


"I got a book?" said Balth. "Common Sense by Thomas Paine? What's that?"


"I got a green card!" said @Tag_Ross . "AND a new pool cleaner!"


"I got soccer cleats!" said Dragonruby. He put them on quickly. Shizno looked curious.


"Wait, you don't even play soccer," said Shizno. "Why do you - OOF!" Shizno groaned in intense pain as Druby kicked him in the balls.


"I got a bike!" said Goldeathorous. "I can't wait to - HEY!"


Lawliet pushed Gold over and took his bike, laughing as he rode out the door.


"Meh," said Gold. "I don't care. Aspergers."



A few forumers looked grumpy. They had received only coal in their presents.


"Hmph! I was better this year than any other!" said Shadow, holding the coal in his hands. Salsy, who had also received coal, pointed and laughed at his friend's misfortune. Shadow threw the lump of coal at Salsy, hitting him in the forehead. They proceeded to fight each other.



Stealthy was sitting by himself, looking down at the coal in his hands. Only a few people knew what was truly upsetting him. @Easy walked by and tapped him on the shoulder. He took the lump of coal from Stealthy's hands and squeezed it. A few seconds later he handed the coal back. Easy walked away, and Stealthy smiled at the diamond in his hands.



Aethrys and Stoney weren't complaining about their coal. They were focused on some kind of break-in that happened.


"Just move the goods to a different warehouse, and sever our ties to the property," said Aethrys. "We can cover our tracks well enough."


"Right-o," said Stoney. "Bloody idiots landing helicopters in our buildings. This is going to be a setback."



13thforswarn and Sideshow Bob walked into the Hall. They both looked tired.


"That was completely ridiculous," said Bob. "I can't believe LM would lie to us like that."


"Yeah," said 13th. "Saying that Santa hijacked his mech suit and used it to spread chaos across town. Ridiculous."


"We never found a body, either. I bet the autopilot just went haywire or something."


"Something like that. I bet LM's just trying to avoid charges, but meh, it's Christmas. Everybody gets a freebie today."


"Hmph," said Bob.


"Oh, that's right, I forgot you don't like Christmas," said 13th. "That reminds me, I got you a present."


"I's okay," said Bob. "I'm not one for presents, you don't have to - wait what?"


13th pinned a Moderator badge on Bob's shirt. "You did some good work last night. We could use more men like you on the force."


"Wow, really? You're serious?" Bob could hardly contain himself.


"Welcome to the Mod Squad, Officer Bob."



Tirin smiled. Everything was turning out wonderfully. He was looking for someone in particular though. Tirin finally spotted Ciflit. He was standing against the wall, looking at his phone. Tirin took a deep breath and strode forward.


"Hey, uh, Ciflit."


"What do you want?"


"Don't be a faggot, I'm just trying to-"


"Sorry for being a jerk yesterday."


"What?"


"I was being a douche, when they were raising the tree yesterday."


"Yeah, you were! I mean, uh, no problem. I...I was too."


"..."


"This is awkward so I'm going to get it over with. Merry Christmas, you jag." Tirin tossed the item he got from his house, a CD case, into Ciflit's hands.


"What's this?"


"It's some weirdo faggot band. I thought you might like it or something."


"I've never even heard of them."


"Eh, ah well. You don't have to listen to-"


"It's perfect."


"It is? Uh, yeah. It is."


Ciflit looked up. "Thank you Tirin."


"Yeah, you're welcome. No problem." Tirin walked away. Something felt different. Suddenly, the door swung open.


"Hey everyone!" said Frilzer from the doorway. "Look who's here!"


Spiffums walked into the room, and everyone cheered. "Thank you, thank you!" said Spiffums. "Brr, let's close that door. It's freezing outside."


"Pfft, it's not even cold out," said Ciflit. He smiled at Tirin.


"About damn time," said Stealthy, walking up to Spiffums. "I thought you said you couldn't make it this year."


"I did," said Spiffums. "But somebody broke into my house, knocked me out, and I woke up at the hotel here."


"Ha, just like old times!" said Stealthy. The two of them walked towards the food together.


"Wow, look!" said Scythe. He pointed out the front window.


"It's snowing!" said Rondait.


"No, not that!" said Scythe. "Up there!"


Several forumers pressed their faces up against the glass. There was a man in a sled, being pulled across the sky by eight reindeer.


"Is that, is that who I think it is?" said Balth.


The man could be heard in the distance as he sailed away, "Ho ho ho! A Teal Christmas to all! Ho ho ho!"


The forumers stared in amazement. Req patted Tirin on the shoulder, and Regis came by his side. "You done good Tirin. You done good."


Tirin chuckled and put his arm around Wolfy beside him. It was a good day. The sled soon vanished from their sight, and they resumed their holiday celebrations.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 24: Epilogue


December 26th:


"What a great trip!" said Andy as he pulled up to his driveway.


"You said it, mate!" Maretocks replied. "Best Christmas ever!"


They both dismounted from their kangaroos and grabbed their suitcases.


"It's good to be home though," said Andy.


"Oh yeah, I'm glad we're..."


They both stared at the driveway. Andy's Furarri had been smashed, burned, and twisted nearly beyond recognition.


"What in the name of Steve Irwin..."






Req was typing on his typewriter. He heard a faint noise and stopped. There was nothing. He continued typing, and heard it again. Req walked over to his kitchen counter. The ear piece he had gotten for Christmas was making noise. He put it on.


"Hello, is someone there? My name's Requiem."


"Uh, hi Requiem. I find this weird earpiece thing in my lawn. Does it belong to you?"


"Yeah, it does."


"Hey, are you one of those forum people?"


"Yeah, why?"


"Nothing, just curious. We're way far away from you guys, is there an address I can ship this to?"


"Sure, one second. Thanks."


"No problem. Oh, and uh, my name's @RECONmaster ."





Santa landed his sled on a desert island in the Bahamas. He quickly took off his cumbersome coat, hat, and fake beard. He made a piña colada and started marking his calender.


"Ho, ho, ho!" he laughed. "A Teal Christmas to all!" Santa turned around, revealing his identity.


"And to all," smiled Maelstrom, "a good night."





THE END
 
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