The Big Left Argue Show Round 6: TC's Sparknotes of the Democratic Primaries

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
This is something I did for a few debates last election. Folks that just wanted a highlight reel of the debate seemed to appreciate it, so I thought I'd do it again and share here. There are many typos as this was done quickly IRL, but I ensured the meaning behind candidates word were preserved. This often meant summarizing many statements into a few words, or leaving them out entirely if they were just fluff.

Dem Primary Debate 1


*I missed first 3 minutes*

Amy Klobuchar: People are having trouble affording college, Trump sucks. My plan is good. We will make community college free. Everyone thats not the 1% should get help beyond community college. There are many paths to success.

Mod: Some Dems want marginal tax rates that are high. What about you?

Beto: We need to come together to make good economy happens. Repeats in Spanish. We need no PACs, no gerrymadnering, auto voter regitration. We each need to havea voice. I would support a fair tax rate. (He dodged question on if he supports 70% marginal tax rate)

Mod: You said we shouldn't be pointing at companies and saying we need to reform them.

Booker: Well I agree that companies need some reform. Big corporate have money, average Americans that work dont. the economy indicators we use to measure ecnomy does not affect my community. We need economy to help eveyrone. We need a good DOJ for this. (dodged question on his earlier comment about not naming names)

Mod: Warren are you picking winners and losers?

Warren: Bic coprorations are hurting our economy in some ways, limiting innovation. We need courage in washington to take on the corporations. Theyve been using super PACS to buy every decision made in washington. I want to return to a country of the will of the people. That starts with naming the names of monopolists.

Mod: wage reform?

Castro: I know what its like to struggle, I grew up poor. Moms get paid less thats bad. Women get paid less for being women. We should pass equal rights act, women deserve equal pay. If we want to be the best nation, we need to pay women what they deserve.

Mod: What about you, wage reform?

Gabbard: I served in the army after 9/11. In the midle east. I have congressional experience. I know security important. Too much bad management has caused us to waste taxpayer money in midle east quagmires. as president I will make good jobs.

Mod: Your city has huge gap between rich and poor. Income equality thoughts?

Blasio: In my city we got paid sick days, more benefits, things like that to happen. This is a debate for heart of the party. We are supposed to be the workers party. We are suppsoed to support 70% marginal tax rate, we are supposed to go after companies.there's plenty of money in maerica its just in the wrong hands. Dems need to be progessive.

Mod: wage reform you garee?

Delaney: We got to fix wages and public education. I am a businessman i created thousands of jobs. The Obama adminsitraiton gave me an award for creating jobs. We need to raise minimum wage in short term, and also be long term competitive.

Mod: Income equality?

Inslee: Hey, we need unions to be able to increase wages. I marched with unions. I will put people to work in the past present and future. Trump is stupid. We can use clean energy to create many many jobs, and we're doing it in my state today. We will lead the world and invent the future.

Mod: Can you make jobs come back to Ohio? Trump said so, but didnt.

Ryan: Trump made us lose ton of job. General Motors treated us very badly after we bailed them out with taxes. Its been going on for years. The bottom 60% haven't seen a wage increae in many years. I wasnt strong manufactuirng laws.

Mod: Are industrial jobs coming back?

Warren: Giant corporations have one loyalty: profit. They will always follow that. I advise start with a real need. We need green tech. We can be the ones to provide green energy, be leaders in this. We need to let any company use the research we do. But they HAVE to be manufactued in the US, then sold to rest of world. We should be the leaders and owners. We can make mllions of jobs with this.

Mod: who would abolish private health inurance in favor of public plan?

Amy Klob: Im down for incremental change because this bill would kick half of americans off their healthcare in 4 years. Trump has made drug prices skyrocket. Pharma companies are bad. Beer anology. We should bring in less expensive drugs from other countries.

Mod: warren signed on for meicare for all. Is that your plan?

Warren: Yes. Im with bernie for meicare for all. I spent my career studying this stuff. the business of a insurance company has goals that aren't aligned to benefit american citizens. medicare for all solves that problem. many politcians say this is impossible. what theyre really sayin is that they wont fight for it. healthcare is basic human right. i will fight for it.

Mod: Beto what do you think?

Beto: Personal story about a young man without healthcare, who will die becuse he didnt see a doctor. Getting to good healthcare fast is an important goal. healthcare has to make sure abortions are posible. The beto plan says if you cant afford medical insurance, you get medicare.

Mod: would you replace private insurance?

Beto No I wouldnt.

Inslee: Private inurance doesnt work though.

*much arguing*

John: lets keep whats working and fix whats broken. I grew up poor. I like my dad he's a good guy.

Mod: Gabbard?

Gabbard: every sick person should be able to acces care. Medicare for all is how we do that. Employers will like it becuse private insurance costs them a ton of mony. If you look at other countries, they all have some role of private insurance. Lets take best of those ideas, but make sure no american gets sick and cant get care.

Mod: Booker?

Booker: People without good healthare do not do well in education, or in work. Healthcare is not just a human right but an american right. I have urgency on this. Too may people profiteering off the sufering of americans. We can do this better, I will fight to make this better.

Warren: Insurance companies last year took 23 billion in profit. That doesnt count executive pay, lobying, etc. We have a big indsutry that wants our healthcare industry to stay the way it is. Its time to make families to come first.

Inslee: abortion should be avialble and im the only one here who passed a law about it.

Amy K: Hi 3 women here fought for aboriton rights thanks. My idea for healthcare is that you use medicare or medicaid without insurance companies and its the way we move to unviersal healthcare.

Mod: Would your healthcare plan cover abortion?

Castro: Yes i would. That's reproductive justice. The trans community is important too. I would cover the right to choose. This is under assault in southern states. I would appoint judges that would know the importance of Roe v Wade.

Warren: Every woman should have full access to reproductive services. We cant expect the courts to protect us. States have undermined Roe v Wde, right upto the edge. Roe v Wade needs to be federal law.

Mod: Opioid crisis how bout that? Should pharma companies be held criminally liable?

Booker: Yes, because they are part of the problem and are liable. We have tried to arrest our way out of adiction.

Beto: We have a huge prison population. Many for nonviolent drug crimes. Many opioid deaths. Big pharma needs to be brought to justice, or crisis will continue. We will help the treatments too.

Mod: immigration after the break!


Mod: immigration is so so so bad, they have died. castro what woul you do?

Castro: I amfirst candiate to put forward comprehsneive immigrant plan. We should be pissed. I would sign an excutive order to get rid of Trump's bad policy. Then in first 100 days I would put undocumned immigrants on path to citizenship.

Booker: speaks spanish. repeats in english. on day 1 we end the ICE polices and stop human rights violations. Then I will reisntrate DACA and pathways to citizenship.
Then I will make sure we address the issues that make immigrants come in the first place. We need to really solve this problem without violating our morals.

castro: If somebody comes across boder, we shouldn't treat it as a big violation. They use big violtion to justify seperating children from their families.

Booker: ICE is doing this every day and creatin fear.

Inslee: immigrants didnt take your job, corps sold your job. If we cant change this debate we wont get all these reforms.

Mod: What would youdo Day 1?

Beto: Spanish. Repeats in English. We would follow our own asylum laws and implement a program. Well ivnest in central american work to avoid the problms cause.

Castro: the reason they are seperating the family is becuse of this bill. Beto is not. If you want to change the system, repeal that section.

Beto: In Congress I introduced legislation to make the border better. Very big and comprehsnive.

*much arguing*

Castro: Some folks arent seeking asylum. You said you didnt want to repeal section 5 becuase of human trafficking. Other sections fully cover humn traficking though.

Inslee: We need to make a difference.

Mod: Should it just be a civil offense to cross the border?

Amy Klobuchar: immigrants do not diminsh america. We need provisions to go after traffickers. The economic imperative here is that we NEED more immigrants in order to run our infrastructure. My proposal is to look at an old bill an make it better. Will bring debt down by 100 billions of dollars.

Ryan: there are terrorists in guantanamo that get better healthcare than kids at border. Trump is bad and divides. Kids are in filthy conditions.

Mod: What bout families already here?

Booker: I have been to awful immigration prisons. Our countryhas criminalized addiction, immigration, mental illness. Trump is bein bad. We should make investments in northern triangles to stop the reason peopl are coming here in such numbers.

Mods: ay what you do?

Inslee: No reason for detention of these kids. We should do what we do in my state. We prevent cops from working with ICE. I am first governor to do things like this. Trump threatened to send me refugees. I would welcome them.

Mod: Tankers allegedly attacked, drone shot down in Iran. Who would sign onto 2015 Iran nucelar deal again?

Booker: It was a mitake to pull out. We are in more dangerous situation.

Amy Kobla: The deal was imperfect, but a good deal at that moment. Trump is bad he lied. Iran is developing nukes now. He's made us less safe. I would get that agreement back. I would not give leverage to China and Russia. Trump is one tweet away from war.

Gabbard: We are at brink of war. I served in war. My friends died. War with Iran would be way worse than our past war with Iraq. Every American needs to want no more war. We need to get back to that deal. I would respond with force if they attacked our troops though.

Mod: Break!

Mods: Warren what do you think bout school shootings and guns? We...mic issues. Blep blorp. Does the federal government hav a role in enfrocing gun control.

*hilarious mic issues*

Mod: Break! Our mics broke!


Mod: Um lets get going. Does the federal government hav a role in enfrocing gun control.

Warren: I've had 100 town halls and children asking to be safe is the hardest quetion I get. Gun violence is a national health emergency and we need to treat it like that. We should do bakground checks, we should do assault weapons bans, but we need to do the research as to how we best fix this. A gun collector is not a threat. Guns sold and turned over quickly is a problem. We cant treat this like a blanket problem, wether its popular or not.

Mod: You hve a federal buyback program.

Booker: I hear gunshots in my neighborhood. My neighbor was just killed by assault weapon last year. I am tired of "thoughts and prayers". In my faith, faith without works is dead. This isn't policy for me, this is personal.

Mod: Will school shootings get worse over our lives?

Castro: I'm a dad of a daughter. We dont have to accept this will get worse. In 2021 we will have a full democratic gvernment to get this done.

Ryan: We need to treat trauma in school. Because mental health counseling will stop shootings.

Mod: Beto, what about "dems will take my guns!" republicans.

Mod: I've met school shooting victims. We should end assault rifles sales. they are for the battlefied.

Mod: Amy Klob?

Amy Klob: Im from a pro hunting fishing state. I met shooting victims. Kids are leading the charge. Gay marriage is good.

Mod: Mcconnel is proud of stopping Merrick Garland from being appointed. Do you believe GOP would confirm your nominees?

Booker: If you need a license to drive a car, you need a license to buy a gun. Supreme Court? We will get to 50 votes in the senate. Most of America likes our policy.

Mod: If you nominate supreme court, what makes you think mcconnell woul approve?

Blasio: We need to have different relationship between police an community. I have a black son. There are too many tragedies.

Mod: Warren, do you have a plan for Mitch?

Warren: I have a plan for mitch mcconnell. Democracy means the will of the people matters. Our Congress only works for the rich not the people. Short of a democratic majority to oust mitch, we would fight and fight.

Delaney: I belive a bipartisan solution. Big solutions happen when majority of americans believe in it. If we become the party of geting things done, we'll get the votes.

Booker: I am a black man in a black community. People told me I could not do criminal justice reform. But I did. part of it passed today in congress.

Mod: You are huge on climate change.

Inslee: We are the last generation that can stop climate change. In my state I put people to work on green energy. I am the only candidate that says this is the #1 issue.

Beto: You need to bring everyone in as part of the solution. Trump's trade war has been bad for communites. I would get rid of our fossil fuel reliance and put farmers in the drivers seat.

Castro: I went to Puerto Rico. I have a track record of getting things done. I would sign executive order to get us back on Paris climate accord.

Mod: Thoughts on taxing carbon?

Ryan: We are not connecting to the working class people. This needs to be a working class party.

Delaney: Carbon taxing works you just have to do it right. Have a dividend go back to the American people.

Mod: So you apologized to gays cause you didn't like gays at first.

Gabbard: I serve on the equality caucus. I grew up conservative but then learned. People are facing discrimination in their workplace and thats bad.

Booker: Trans murder rates and especially black trans murder rates are so bad. We need to fix that.

Mods: What have you done to win the hispanic/black vote?

Amy Klob: I have worked to increase economic opportunities.

Mod: You are only Latino democrat.

Castro: Police capture shooters alive but have killed innocent black and hispanic kids.

Deluxe Mod Lester Holt: Does the USA have a responsibility to intervene even when atrocities dont affect our core interests?

Beto: Yes. But should be undertaken with allies. Trump has been bad. He has told Putin to hack us again. I would work with our allies.

Blasio: My dad was a vet and lost his leg then killed himself. We should not have war happen without congressional approval.

Mod: Taliban said they killed 2 americans today. why isnt this war in afghan over?

Ryan: I've sat on the armed services committee for many years. We need to stay engaged in these things. Trump is not engaged.

Gabbard: I'm a soldier and Ryans answer was not okay. We need to bring the troops home.

Mod: Greatest geopolitical threat to usa?

(Variety of responses I did not record quickly. Economially, china. Otherwise nukes, Trump, Iran, climate change.)

Mod: Mueller says president may have done crimes. as president what would you do?

Beto: George Washington was a good guy. We can't set a precedent of Trump's crimes because that means some people are above the law. We need to start impeachment now to save this democracy.

Delaney: No one is above the law. I support Pelosi's decisions on not moving to impreach because she knows a lot. This is not the #1 issue. The big issue is economy.

Mod: Break!


Mod: Closing statements!

Delaney: We need to find the America that was lost. We're better than this. We did this with real solutions not impossible promises. I will do the job.

Blasio: This is the fight for heart of our party. It matters that we choose someone who puts working people first.

Inslee: I have grandkids. I made them promises to protect them from climate change. The next president needs to make climate change a top priority and I'm the only one who is.

Ryan: We need to come together. I'm from indsutrial America. We have homeless. We can do better.

Gabbard: Our nation is by and for the rich and powerful. As president we will provide healthcare and clean air/water. Good jobs too. Justice for all.

Castro: Spanish. Repeats in English. If Im President I will work hard so you get good education, job opportunities. We'll say adios to Trump.

Amy Klob: I listen to people and thats how I get things done. I've passed over 100 bills. I can beat Trump. I've won in every race I've been in. I'm not the establishment, I dont come from money. I will govern for you.

Booker: People were racist to my parents. I got into politics to fight injustice. We will call America to a sense of purpose. This debate is a referendum to beat Trump, and to be our best selves.

Beto: I have a daughter. We need a movement, like we had in these past historical movements. This is our moment, join us.

Warren: I was born humble background. I wanted to be a teacher but couldn't until a little bit of government assistance made it posible for me to achieve my dreams and be here tonight. I will fight for your ability to do so too.

Mod: Thanks for coming now go away we have 10 more of you tomorow.
Last edited:


Well-Known Member
Thanks based TC, this was both very funny and also informative because I had to stop watching halfway through or so.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Missed the Democratic Primary debate tonight? No problem! Here's my sparknotes of the debates.

There are many typos, and I did get the two white men w/brown hair candidates mixed up a bit.

Dem Primary Debate 2

Mod: Hey we have 10 more people who qualified. I am in Miami.

Mod: We are going to talk about the issues. All the issues.

Mod: There are also some rules. The candidates will probbaly ignore these rules.

Mod: Sanders, you've called for big new benefits. If your president will middle class taxes go up?

Sanders: It is time for real change. Healthcare is a human right. Medicare for all is important. The vast majority of people will pay less in healthcare in my plan. We will put taxes on wall street and make eduction free.

Mod: Will you raise taxes on the middle class?

Sanders: Yes, but way less than healthcare.

Mod: Hey Biden you said "nothing woul change" recently. WTF.

Biden: Jobs are about dignity and respect as well as wages. We will return dignity to the middle class. People need clean air and water. Trump is bad. There are tax loopholes. I would stop Trump's bad tax loopholes.

Mod: Do Democrats have a responsiblty to explain how to pay for everything?

Harris: Um how come Republicans never got asked that question. The GOP has made working families pay for way too much. The economy is not working for the poor. Under my plan, the poorest will get the help they need. On Day 1 I will get rid of the bad trump tax cuts.

Mod: You were boo'd when you said things about socialism.

Hickenlooper: I think its important to say that we aren't socialists. We have to be careful about how we approach healthcare. In my state we brought different parties together. I have helped reproductive rights. I have done more than the other cnadidates.

Mod: Are you afraid America wouldelect Trump over a socialist?

Sanders: Trump is bad. He's lied. He's racist. He took people off healthcare. His money goes to the rich. We beat trump by exposing he is a fraud.

Gillbrand: There's a big difference betwen capitalism and greed. If we want to end gun violence, it's the gred of the NRA thats the problem. It's the greed that makes big pharma bad.

Mod: You said that some candidates had bad policies. Please specify.

Bennet: Rich people have a disporportionate amount of money. But I don't believe medicare for all is a good idea. We need to finish the work we started with obamacare by creating a public option. They can do public or private. Ths is a quicker way to get good things.

Mod: Hey shut up we're going to talk about healthcare more later.

Gillbrand: Hey Bernie's idea is good.

Mod: shut up it's pete's turn. Pete Butigeg why dont you support free college?

Buttigeg: We need to reduce student debt a lot, but we shouldn't ask poor families to pay for parts of everyones colleges if some of those college kids are rich. Whether you went to college or not shoul not determin your ability to succeed and give to charity and oher things.

Mod: Yang, your plan is to do lots of big money things.

Yang: We need to put the american peopl in a position to beneft from all the revenue amazon and others is making. We can (wow he talks fast. Lots of policy description.)

Mod: $1000 a month for free for those over 18? Thats your plan?

Yang: There's a value tax that....(dang it he's so fast).

Mod: Will robot take our jobs? How do we fix that?

Swawell: We need to make sure new tech creates jobs intead of just killing them. We need to make sure our kids can learn important skills. Personal story about how Joe Biden failed 30 years ago when he was a kid. Biden and other old democrats need to pass the torch.

Biden: No I still have the torch. Thats why I've been doing goodprogressive things and want to do more progresive things. Like lots of free education. No student debt. We need to make things better. Continuing education for EVERYONE is important.

*much arguing*

Mod: All of you shutup holy hell.

Sanders: Big corporations control so so much. That needs to stop.

*much arguing*

Mod: Harris please speak over these other guys.

Harris: Hey everyone be adults, its my turn to talk. I meet people who work 3 jobs. Thats bad. Trump is bad. Trump says economy is good becuse of the stock market. But most americans dont have stocks. No one should have to work more than 1 job to succeed.

Mod: *I missed the question but it was about healthcare*

Gillbrand: I won past campaigns because Im good at healthcare knowledge.Insurance companies have never put healthcare over profits. We need to make public option nad make it hard for private inurance to compete.

Butigeg: You have to explain how to get to medicare for all. We can't rely on primary care from a corporate entity. My dad died. Because of medicare we never had to decide how he died due to him having medicare. Medicare is good.

Biden: My wife an daughter died in a car accident. I cant imagine how not having healthcare would have affected my injured sons. Then my son got cancer and died but having healthcare made it suck less. Everyone should be able to buy into the medicare plan. There are people without the resources I got to have. Thats not okay at all.

Mod: Sanders you want to kill private insurance right? How would it work?

Sanders: Every other major country on earth has figured out how to provide universal healthcare, at hal the cost we do. The function of healthcare industry today is to make billions of profits. We pay the highest prices in the world. They lie to us.

Mod: How does your plan work though?

Sanders: We'll do it the way real change happens. When million of americans rise up and stand againt private inurance companies.

Mod: How woul you lower cost of drugs, williamson?

Williamson: Government shouldn't have made deals with big pharma. We won't beat Trump with grand plans. He doesn't have plans. We need to talk about why so many Americans are sick in the first place. We need to redo our food drug chemical policies.

Bennet: I had prostate cancer. Then my kid got sick. Being able to have healthcare is good an we need to get there quickly. People should be able to keep private insurance if they want to. Sanders said he would BAN private insurance. That' bad.

Sanders: Hi Mike. Medicare is the most popular government program ever. Under my plan people go to whatever hospital or doctor they want.


Harris: Parents take their kids to the hospital and let their kid get sick because they cant pay for it. Thats bad.


brown haired guy: ???? (missed it)

Mod: Would your healthcare plan cover immigrants?

Buttigig: Yes. It makes our whole commuity healthier. This is not a handout. We dont do ourselves favor by making undocumented immigrants get unhealthy and sick. We need an immgiration solution too. My ancestors were immigrants. We need big reform.

Biden: If people are sick we should cover them no matter what. It's humane. Immigrants increase lifespan of social security through taxes. We can deal with insurance companies more harshly. The government shoul be able to negotiate the price of drugs.


Mod: hey shut up its time for a break.


Mod: Harris, the border situation is bad. What would you do with the immigrants who cross?

Harris: My first day I would reinstate DACA to young people. I would extend protection to their parents, and veterans. I will put ina process for asylum hearings. I will get rid of the cages and private detention centers. Personal story. Trump's response to immigrants is bad.

Gov Hickenlooper: The world is judging us for being bad, and we're being very bad to kids. We need policy to keep families together. We need to make sure ICE is less bad. We need medical care at the border.

Williamson: we are kidnapping kids at the border. This is crime. State-sponored crimes. Trump is bad and is ruining our moral core. How come we haven't talked about foreign policy in latin america?

Gillbrand: Trump has made our border situation bad. Kids have died and are lost. I would reform immigration to have a pathway to citizenship. Immigrants need lawyers. I would fun security. Trump has diverted funds from stopping human trafficking, and given it to for-profit prisons.

Butigig: Crossing the border should not be a federal offense. The GOP likes religion. But they are so bad at christiantiy that God certainly wouldn't smile at them. They shouldnt be usin religion as an excuse for anything ever because of this.

Biden: I worked on a solution to fix the border once with my friend Obama. But then Trump undid it, he's bad. I would reunite families.
Mod: The Obama/Biden adminsitration deported lots of immigrants.

Biden: That should only happen if they did major crimes. Comparing Obama to rump is bad because Trump is bad.
Mod: Should we deport someone who just doesn't have documents?

Sanders: On Day 1 we should redo every bad border thing Trump did. We also need to address central america problems to stop the root cause ofthe immigration.

Mod: Should we deport someone who just doesn't have documents?

Swalwel : No. My district is diverse. We know immigrants our good. Trump is weaponizing the census. That's bad.

Harris: I would not deport. I disagreed with Obama deporting people. I worked the department of justice. I was more kind to immigrants without documents than Obama/Biden were. Any victim of a real crime shoul be able to report without fear of deportation.

Mod: Let's talk about trade. China does bad stuff to us economically. How would you stand up?

Bennet: China does bad things an so does Russia. Trump had been pushing on China but did it badly. Also I like immigrants. My mom was a holocaust victim. The border situation is bad. Trump has made it very bad. We need change.

Yang: I agree Russia is our biggest threat. They hacked our election. We should worry about them first. The tariffs Trump is doing are bad policy that hurt workers here and also in china. We need to crack down, but in a better way.

Buttigig: China is serious issue. I live in a manufacturing town. The Trump tariffs are hurting our our workers. China is developing AI. Right now, our internal division makes China's authoritarian moel look good. We have to demonstrate we care about democratic values.


Mod: Here are the rules again. Maybe they will obey them this time.

Mod: It would be nice if the audience shut up too.

Mod: There's a debate over race in the country. Your city sucks at race shootings. Why.

Butigig: I couldn't fix it. We took steps to make race things better but it wasn't enough. A cop shot a kid. We need to redo our systemic racism in policing.

Hickenlooper : Why has it taken so long to fix this? My community was able to fix it. Why haven't the others?


Williamson: Deomcrats should pay reperations for slavery because systemic racism is so bad.


Harris: I'm black so I should get to talk about race.

Mod: Good point.

Harris: All my black friends have experienced bad racism. Also, Biden you said you wanted to find common ground with segregationalits. You defended their reputation. You worked with them to oppose bussing. I couldn't ride the bus because of this. I am disappointed in you. All MY police wear body cameras and we are fightin racism.

Biden: I supported civil rights. I was a public defender. I worked with Obama and we dealt with these issues together. Your bussing decision was made by city council, not me. I like civil rights. I like civil rights for gays.

Harris: Do you agree that you were wrong back in the day?

Biden: I wasn't wrong because that decision wasn't made by federal government.

Harris: Well it should have because there are times the states fail.

Biden: I did lots of civil rights stuff. I care about civil rights.

Mod: Does divirsity not matter when it comes to making big decisions?

Sanders: We have to do more than that. We have to consider diverisity, and also the fact that the average workers has not seen a wage increase in decades.

Gillenbrook: We have to go to the root of the corruption. We cant solve any problems before wetake money out of politics. We have to do that first then we can do a million other good things.

Mod: Will a Democratic president make gridlock go away?

Bennet: If Mccconnell is there we will have gridlock. We need to stop gerrymandering. We need to get people to the polls and then we will succeed.
Biden: I did incredible work in the Obama administration. I convinced mcconnell to raise taxes to stop the recession.

Bennet: Um that victory benefited the ta party most of all. It extended the Bush tax cuts that are terrible. It was a baddeal for America you should not be proud.

Gillibrand: None of these things happen until we stop corruption of money in washington. Thats the first thing Ill tackle.

Mod: Roe v Wade is a thing. It's under fire. What's your plan if Roe v Wade dies?

Sanders: Government can not deide what a women does ith her body. I would never appoint any Justice that would not defend Roe v Wade. Constitutionally,we have the power to rotate judges in the Supreme Court. We should do that.

Mod: What if Roe is gone though?

Sanders: Medicare for all guarantees the right for an abortion so there.

Gillibrand: Trump doesn't like women's rights. Compromises have been made behind our backs by leaders in both parties. I fought for reproductive rights. Better than any other candidate here. I would do that more.

Mods Your state is kind of a giant natural disaster. Hows climate change?

Harris: Its an existential threat. Trump doesn't belive science. On Day 1 I will re-enter us in the Paris climate accords. The biggest threat to the united states is donld trump. Trump also likes Kim Jong Un. He likes Putin. He doesn't like our own intelligence issues.

Mod: Climate change?

Buttigieg: We need a carbon tax divident, with money going back to the americans people. Climate change is real and bad. Rural america can be a solution.

Mod: Can oil and gas industries be partners in this fight?

Hickenlooper: Socialim isnt the problem. In my state we are creating environment solutions. We have to bring everyone together or we will fail.
Mods: How do we cut carbon emissions with no congress support?

Biden: Me and Barry built the bigest wind farms ever. I am good at making clean energy and jobs. I would join Paris accords. We need someon who can corral the whole world to get on board.

Sanders: The President should get the worldl leaders to spend less on weapons and more on climate change.

Williamson: JFK was the coolest democrat ever. I would be a president like JFK.


Mod: Everyone please shut up oh my god.

Mod: What is your one signature issue?

Swalaol: ending gun violence.

Bennet: climate change.

Gillibrand: education.

Harris: middle class tax cut.

Sanders: revolution is important!

Biden: My friend Obama is good. Defeat Donald Trump.

Butigig: Taxes

Yang: $1000 for everyone over 18

??: (I didn't catch who it was or what they said. )

Williamson: make it the best place for a child to grow up.

Mod: You guys suck at short answers.


Mod: Lets talk about guns. Swalolo you want to buy back assault weapons.

Swalwel: Keep your pistols rifles shotguns. I justwant to buy back assault weapons. My plan is better than anyone else's plan on this stage. School shootings are bad. Racial killings are bad.

Mod: We have a clip that you said guns should be states' decisions.

Sanders: That quote is a mischaracterization. We need comprehensive gun legislation. We need to hit the loopholes. Assault weapons dont belong on the street.

Harris: I like the buyback plan, but Congress is too scared to act. As President I will give Congress 100 days until I put my own bill forward. I will ban by executive order assault weapons being imported. I have attended funerals for shooting victims. There has not been enough action.

Mod: Will military families have a different take on gun control?

Buttigieg: I am a veteran. If more guns made us safer, we'd be the safest country on earth. I have trained on weapons of war. They have no place in our cities.

Biden: I'm the only guy here that beat the NRA nationally. I got assault weapons banned once before and I would do it again.

Mod: What are the best first steps to reverse the damage done by this administration?

Swalwel : Trump doesn't believe in rule of law. But my peers here and I do. We need to restore our relationships with allies.

Mod: What relationship would you reset as president first?

Williamson: I would call European leaders.

?: I would go to China.

Yang: China.

Buttigig: The whole world.

Biden: NATO.

Sanders: Rebuil trust in the UN.

Harris: NATO.

Gillibrand: Iran.

?: ??

Swalol: NATO

Mod: Biden you voted for Iraq war.

Biden: My friend Obam helped me get combat troops out of Iraq. We need to get out of Afghanistan too. I would repair our alliances so that we deal with terrorit groups together. And I have experience doing it.

Sanders: I led the opposition againt the Iraq war. I would use war powers to get out of Yemen and Syria. I would make sure we don't have war with Iran.


Mod: closing statements!

Swalwell: We can't look to the past for solutions. I am a parent. I have student loan debt. We have a moment to end climate change, student loan debt, and gun violence.

Williamson: We need to talk about how to beat Trump. Trump is very bad and is using fear for political purposes. Only love will defeat you.

Bennet: Life should be better for each generation but it's not. I will help build a new era of opportunity.

Hickenlooper: I'm a business owner. I have reduced abortion by a lot. I made my justice department better and many other things in Colorado. Im the one person up here who has accomplished a lot. Socialim is bad.

Gillibrand: Women in America are on fire but we're under attack. Trump is bad. I will take on the fights. I repealed dont ask dont tell. Join me.

Yang: Thank you to my supporters. I am the best candidate to defeat Trump. I will take the country forward.

Harris: We need a nominee who can beat Trump and that's me. My campaign is focused on the issues that make you lose sleep. I want to give families all that they need so that they can prosper.

Butigig: I am a veteran. I am gay. I am running because the next election is a pivotal one to stop bad things from hapening for a long time.

Sanders: Everyone has good ideas but why do we still have such bad income equality? Nohing will change unles we have the guts to take on Wall Street, fossil fuels, and the military-industrial complex.

Biden: We need to restore the soul of this nation. Trump is very bad. And very racist. We need to restore the backbone of America. God bless America.

Mod: Thank you candidates.

Mod: Thank you audience for not shutting up at all even when we told them to.

Mod: Okay this was fun. Goodnight.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Missed the primary debates earlier this week? I got you covered. I didn't take full notes, instead I isolated the single best sentences that were spoken by each candidate. Are some taken out of context? Yes. Do some have no additional context? Sadly, yes. Here's my top statements of the debates!

Klobuchar: His son is died.

Warren: Cages of babies.

Sanders: I will end the demons.

Ryan: You should at least ring the doorbell.

Klobuchar: We closed the boyfriend gap.

Bullock: I hunt 40% of American households.

Bullock: Americans from America for America.

Hickenlooper: Throw your hands up!
Sanders: I will! *throws hands up*

Williamson: There is a dark psychic force.

Klobuchar: Little kids literally woke up this morning.

Hickenlooper: Noisy. Big. Hangars.

Ryan: He's lobbin' uh...missiles!

Williamson: We need more than just wonkiness.

Williamson: Something emotional and psychological.

Ryan: I hope I have captured your imagination.

Ryan: There is no saviour.

Sanders: I took 15 diabetics from Detroit.

Yang: The opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian man who likes math.

Inslee: We need to stand up on our legs.

Booker: 1 (Shithole)
Sanders: 1 (Damn)
de Blasio: 1 (Hell)

Booker wins because his swear word, shithole, registers as a 6 on the swear-o-meter. Sanders' and de Blasio's entries only register as a 3 on the same scale.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Debate 10/15/19

"We will have the biggest boldest transformation ever." -Mayor Pete, presumably about converting youths to the Big Gay

"As someone who wrote the damn bill..." -Sanders, pulling out his signature move; swearing.

Moderator: Hi Liz Warren. Can you give us a soundbite where you say your proposal will cause taxes to go up for the middle class? This is the fourthdebate where we've tried to secure that soundbite.
Liz Warren: *equips jetpack to dodge question*

Moderator: Can your plan really give everyone a job?
Sanders: Damn right we will!
Moderator: Okay we get it, you swear...

Moderator: We figured out the sound guy lurking on stage is actually a candidate. Andrew Yang, we'd like to talk to you about automation.
Yang: *happy robot noises*

Booker: I'm having dejavu all over again. I'm having devaju all over again. Women are people.

*Yang claps the mic*
Yang: Sorry, I was just making sure it's on.

Moderator: Mr. Seyer, you're the only billionaire up here.
Steyer: *awkwardly smiles while everyone is silent, for several seconds* [ACTUALLY HAPPENED LIKE THIS]

"Mr. Yang, my plan has a provision for your WIFE!" -Liz Warren, presumably bragging about her seduction of Mrs. Yang

Moderaters: "Bernie Sanders, why do you want to tax billionares out of existence?" [ACTUAL PHRASING]
Me: "Why'd they phrase it like that? They say it like Bernie's gathering the Infinity Stones to snap his fingers and turn billionaires to dust. Actually, that's a campaign promise I'd be interested in.
Sanders (in my head): I know what it’s like to lose. To feel so desperately that you’re right, yet to fail nonetheless. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it, run from it, destiny arrives all the same. And now, it’s here. Or should I say, I am. *snap*
Tom Steyer: "I don't feel so good, Mr. Koch..." [collapses into pile of dust, which somehow has more viability than regular Tom Steyer]

Moderator: Vice President Biden, please explain any concept using more than two sentences.
Biden: *begins talking*
Moderator: Oh my god he's having a stroke. Wait, no, he's pulling out of it. Oh, he was just tongue-tied for like, an entire minute.

Biden: "Everyone is trying to create every answer in every question. But has anyone really so far as decided to go want to do look more like?"

Warren: "The really, really billionaires aren't looking out for you."

"He's sittin' there with his cup of tea. Or coffee. He's gonna start driving an uber. And miss his kids socer games." - Kamala Harris, who found Ben Carson's stash of Nyquil under the podium

"We need to give every American a slice of every robot truck mile." -Yang, as the Decepticons immediately switch to Joe Biden

"ELizabeth Warren is a divisive ho." - Beto O'rourke, who looks like he skipped 5th period to ger here on time despite being 47 years old.

Moderator: This next question is for Senator Booker.
Cory Booker: *Booker's eyes widen and bulge like The End from Snake Eater*

"Trump has the blood of the turds on his hand." -Tulsi Gabbard, presumably talking about the Kurds and I just misheard her. But both situations are feasible if we're being honest.

"I will end the draconian sanctions in Syria." -Tulsi Gabbard, recklessly escalating the conflict with the Elder dragons who live in Syria, guarding their cavern of wealth (oil).

"I had a flag on my shoulder that had honor. It had a magic forcefield that protected me from bullets." - Pete Bootyjudge, I didn't hear him directly but this was the gist of his metaphor.

Moderator: Senator Sanders, what are your thoughts on the amilitary actions from Turkey, a member of NATO?
Sanders: Yeah, I'll take the turkey with tomato.
Moderator: That's not what-
Sanders: Can I get it on wheat? I'm trying to watch my heart.

"Israel is a beacon of democracy." -Senator Klobuchar, while putting on clown makeup.

"President Trump doesn't know a DAMN thing! See I can swear too!" - Joe Biden, who's celebrating his third sentence in a row without stuttering.

"Any problem we're gonna do...but specifcally climate." -Tom Steyer, who accidentally left his debate cue cards on his yacht.

"I don't need lessons from you on policy or courage, Beto. What we owe to gun violence survivors is to actually offer a solution." - Mayor Pete, ironically firing the deadliest of shots in the evening

Biden: As President, I will talk to Putin! *points at Bernie*
Bernie: Joe, I'm not Putin.
Biden: *has another fake stroke*

"Kids are eating opiates like Doritos." - Amy Klobuchar, accidentally inspiring Frito-Lay Corp. to create new flavor, 'sweet chili heroin'

Beto: I'm going to reiterate one of Yang's talking points.
Yang: Yes!
Beto: I think that-
Yang: Preach, Beto! Wait, is my mic on? Sorry, I'm still getting used to that.

Moderator: Bernie Sanders, you are an old pile of garbage who's dying before our eyes. Why are you running?
Sanders: I'm healthy, I'm feeling great, and I am not on marijuana tonight!" [ACTUALLY HAPPENED]
Moderator: Okay but seriously, let's talk about your age, your health, and what that means as a candidate.
Sanders: *accepts jetpack from Liz Warren and uses it to dodge question*

Biden: I don't need any on-the-job training. Sometimes, MY FRIEND OBAMA, let me sit behind the desk and pretend to make calls.

Gabbard: Hi, I would like to be a moderator for a bit now and ask candidates the questions.
Moderator: No.
Gabbard: But-
Moderator: Sorry, but the God of All Moderators jsut showed up.
Commerical Break: BOW BEFORE ME!

Harris: Wait, Gillibrand didn't make it? Oh sweet, that means I can be the outspoken feminist candidate now!

"Nobody wants to use Apple maps, and nobody on Earth uses Bing. Sorry, Microsoft. But it's true." - Andrew Yang, moments before fatal Windows and Apple errors shut down his campaaign office.

"Robert Bork is laughing in his....his....sleep." -Senator Booker, trying to remember if Bork is alive or not.

"I just want you all to know that I'm vegan. Also, Trump is a fatass." - Booker, publicly coming out of the pantry

Biden: I'm the only one on stage who's gotten anything really big done.
Sanders: Yeah, like you got a disastrous war in Iraq done?

Biden: I got those votes for you!
Warren: And I am President Obama for getting those votes.
Biden: Oh yeah? Well you were good at your job!
Warren: ...thank you?

"I will restore our sacred honor." - Cory Booker, donning the samurai armor he bought from Otakon

Kamala Harris: My best friend has two kids and has to work three jobs.
Mayor Pete: Oh yeah? My best friend is a half-built car from the midwest.
Klobuchar: My best friend is a pint of beer and saying "ope" when I bump into someone.
Biden: My best friend is my dead family. AND BARACK OBAMA, LONG MAY HE LIVE.
Senator Warren: My best friend is a sick, sad, dying child.
Senator Sanders: Yah, I'm not playing this sob story game. Get off my damn lawn.
Yang: Amateurs! My best friend is my SON with autism!
Booker: My best friend is a child shot dead a block from where I live.
Sanders: Oh shit, that wins.
Mayor Pete: Yeah, yeah that wins.
Booker: Also, I'm vegan.


Well-Known Member
bravo TC, hard lol'd multiple times

and it was an accurate and fair interpretation of the entire event according to some

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
November Debate:

Moderator 1: We're back, and we finally narrowed the field down to 9 candidates!
Moderator 2: Wait, there's 10 of them...Steyer? How'd you get in here?
Steyer: The security guy likes money!

"The president has been sucking...up to Vladimir Putin." -Klobuchar, with the pause of the century.

"We are facing the greatest existential crisis of our time." -Sanders, regarding the discontinuation of the McRib.

Pete B: "The camera will now zoom in on my eyes. You see the screen with a flag waving behind me? Good. Voters, you are now hypnotized. If you live in Iowa or New Hampshire, you will share news of my supremacy with your friends. Now, awaken!"

Moderator: "Vice President Biden, you are your son are surrounded by a scandal. How would you win over your opponents who don't trust you?"
Biden: I speak like I'm having a stroke.
Moderator: "Vice President Biden, please stop doing your impression of Boomhauer."

"We all want to go to universal preschool" -Cory Booker, who hasn't traded for any good snacks in decades.

"We are in a different reality than we were several years ago" - Pete B, regarding the Harambe incident of 2016 and the resulting resonance cascade.

"I'll give medicare to everyone, everyone who wants it." -Pete B, keeping in mind the one guy that asked for death over cake in the British-Spanish Inquisition.

Moderator: "Tulsi Gabbard, you called Hillary Clinton a rotting corpse and did a ton of stuff for Fox News."
Gabbard: "You see, I'm playing both sides. So I always come out on top."

Harris: "Hillary Clinton may be a corpse, but Tulsi Gabbard is a dirty stupid ho who stabs babies, and I will kick her ass so hard she'll think it's colonization all over again."

Steyer: "I am angry that American politics has been bought and controlled by people with less money than me."

"I raised $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. I don't just use my brain to win. I heart." -Klobuchar, with the new biggest pause of the century.

Pete B: "I've never even golfed! I have the least money out of any candidates! I haven't even kissed a girl!"

"Let's play 'name your favorite woman president' " -Klobuchar, wanting to play a game that she might actually win.

Biden: "The world knows who I am when I speak."
World: "Hey look! Grandpa Stroke is on TV!"

Moderator: At a recent sports events, President Trump was boo'd and had chants of 'lock him up' shouted at him."
Yang: *snickers*
Moderator: Okay Mr. Yang, that was 80% of your speaking time.

"We need to get off this list where we and Papa New Guineau are the only members." -Yang, who apparently really doesn't like Papua New Guinea.

"Let's not bring back yesterday to solve tomorrow." -Harris, regarding the misguided story direction of Terminator: Dark Fate

Harris: "I'm going to plug my website because that's what we're doing now."
Biden: *sweats nervously*

"We need to build millions and millions of units." -Steyer, supporting the production of more clone troopers from Kamino. Or possibly housing units. I dropped my waffle around this bit so I was busy panicking.

Steyer: I'm the only candidate on this stage who has made climate change their number 1 issue!
Jay Inslee (at home, with a TV dinner on his lap): Good luck pal.

"Let's save the world, and we'll do it together!" -Steyer, who's been playing a lot of Kingdom Hearts 3 recently.

Biden: "I will conveniently rewind time to explain how my foreign policy would have been better than (my liege) Obama's."

"We need a president that the world understands when they are speaking." -Biden, unendorsing himself as a candidate.

Moderator: "Mr. Yang, let's say that you win the 2020 election. Since miracles now exist on this planet, where would you prioriti-"
Yang: DATA!

Booker: "China is bad, because their president got rid of term limits. Oh, and also ethnic minorities."

"I am SICK and TIRED of you two fighting with each other!" -Bernie, whose foreign policy proposal is to make Saudi Arabia and Iran wear their "Get Along" shirt.

"Our president is using 17th century national defense plans." -Pete B, regarding the president's inferior use of catapults in the Middle East.

Yang: "I'm going to call white supremacists a domestic terrorist group. How am I the first candidate to do that tonight?"

"I asked the President if I could start moving on college campuses." -Biden, regarding his lifelong ban from UC Irvine for sneaking into the women's dorm.

Biden: "Violence is bad. We have to punch violence and beat it into submission."

Pete B: "Black people don't get no meat."

Pete B: "I have not been discriminated against due to the color of my skin. Only the contents of my anus."

"I keep referring to the Obama coalition, because that's the last time we won." -Harris, accidentally reading her entire cue card instead of just the bits her staff highlighted.

"I will speak quickly about the thing you asked about, because I actually wanted to talk about something else." -Booker, saying the quiet part out loud and really ruining our suspension of disbelief.

Booker: "Biden's drug policy is so half-baked that Bernie must be sharing weed with him."

Booker: "I have the data for this argument."
Biden: "Yes, we should study the data!"
Yang: "Hey! That's my thing!"
Moderator: "Mr. Yang, you have spoken more than 30 words in this debate, you have passed your limit."

"I am the only black woman who has been elected to the Senate." -Biden didn't actually say this, but he might as well have.

Gabbard: "Pete B, you'r my brother-in-arms. But you're also a dumb bitch who wants to send troops to Mexico."
Pete B: "Tulsi, you are a two-faced ho, you twisted my words, and I swear to my gay-loving god that I will twist your neck until it snaps."

Sanders: "I want to make one thing clear. Fuck billionaires."
Steyer: "Yeah uh, I agree Bernie. A-anyways about winning 2020..."

Moderator: "Mr. Yang, you can now make a a closing statement. And yes, this will be longer than your entire speaking time in the 3 hour debate."
Yang: "Remember that awesome speech I gave in New Hampshire a few weeks ago? Yeah. That again."

"When I was 21, I was arrested and spent the night in jail." -Sanders, trying to win points with the cool kids.

Biden: "We've talked about everything. But you know what? We haven't talked about the most important thing. Click now to find out what it is! Number seven will shock you!"

Biden: "There has never been a time that America has set its mind to do something and not done it."
International Audience: *laughs in Vietnamese*
Castro: *laughs while fundraising*
Beto: *cries into Whataburger wrapper*
Top Bottom