[Literature] The Gospel of Coolpool - COMPLETE

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 21: Coolpool's Prayer and Arrest

While in the backyard, Coolpool fell on his face and prayed with all his heart.

"Great Admin in the sky," cried Coolpool. "I don't think you're real. But if you are, I am very scared and alone. Please help me. I only stay with these lunatics because I seem to give them hope. But I know I'm not who they think I am, and they're getting more dangerous as this goes on. I just want to make people happy in my life. But I feel so bad at this. If it is possible, let this task pass from me."

The sound of sirens interrupted Coolpool's prayer.

"It's the fuzz!" shouted Dunsparce. "Let's get out of here!"

Coolpool slowly wiped his tears away as his disciples rushed into the backyard.

"Savior, what do we do!?" cried Anatron.

"Just be quiet and let me handle this," said Coolpool as he stood up.

Now Bob, who betrayed Coolpool, came to the backyard, guiding a detachment of Roban soldiers and some officials from the Danisees. They were carrying guns, armor, and banhammers.

Coolpool, knowing all that was going to happen to him, asked them, “Who is it you want?”

"Coolpool, the self-proclaimed savior and enemy of the Robans," growled Thirteenicus. "This man Bob has led us right to you. There's nowhere to run."

"Sorry Coolpool," said Bob the dirty bastard. "Things were getting too weird. I thought maybe if you were banned for a few days they'd stop being a public nuisance."

"A few days?" laughed the Danisees. "That would be far too light a punishment for suppressing freeze peach!"

"Freeze peach!" echoed the Danisees, who began masturbating per their custom.

"I understand," Coolpool said to Bob, for Coolpool was full of mercy, even for greedy Jews. "I am Coolpool. Since you're just looking for me, then let my friends go. If you do, I promise to fully cooperate."

"These guys all have active warrants," said Artis, a Roban soldier. "Shouldn't we be arresting them all?"

"Hmmm if Coolpool promises to cooperate," said Thirteenicus. "That would stop massive retaliation from happening once he's in custody. You have yourself a deal, Coolpool."

"Thank you," said Coolpool, offering his hands to be shackled.

"Fuck da police!" shouted Kaidart, who drew a knife and moved towards Bob.

"Stop! All of you!" shouted Coolpool, facing his disciples. "For once, just once...please listen to me. Leave this place and...try to be good people. Remember that."

Then the police arrested Coolpool and bound him with chains of iron. His disciples wept as he was escorted away from them.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 22: Coolpool Before the Danisees, and the Death of Bob

The Robans who were guarding Coolpool began mocking and beating him. They blindfolded him and demanded, “Prophesy! Who hit you?” And they said many other insulting things to him.

"Hey, knock that off!" said Bob. "You don't need to be mean to him! He's an alright dude!"

The soldiers ignored Bob and continued their blasphemy.

At daybreak, the Roban soldiers and the Danisees met together, and Coolpool was led before them. It was here the the High Priest, Danny spoke to him.

"If you are the Savior,” said Danny, “then tell us.”

Coolpool answered, “If I tell you I am the Savior, you won't believe me and you'll hurt me. But if I say I'm not the Savior, then you'll hurt me anyways."

The Danisees gasped aloud.

"He refuses to speak!" said one of the Danisees.

"He spits on the concept of freeze peach by not sharing his opinion!" said Danny.

"Freeze peach!" echoed the Danisees, and they began masturbating furiously.

Then Danny said, “Why do we need any more testimony? We have heard crime from his own lips! He must be tried before Recon and killed!"

Then the whole assembly rose and led him off to Recon.

When Bob, who had betrayed him, saw that Coolpool was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty schmeckels he was paid to Danny and the Danisees.

“I fucked up,” Bob said to them, “I have betrayed an innocent man.”

“What is that to us?” smiled Danny. “That’s your responsibility.”

So Bob threw the schmeckels at them and left. Then, Bob went home and killed himself. He killed himself by beating the shit out of himself with crowbars, then stabbed himself all over his body, and then set himself on fire, and then shot himself twice in the back of the head.

And so Bob committed suicide in this way.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 23: Coolpool Before Recon and Tirin

Then the whole multitude of them arose and led Coolpool to Recon, Mod of the Board. And they began to accuse him, saying,

“We found this guy telling his followers to pervert the forum!" said Danny. "They ruined the Temple, insulted freeze peach, and he proclaimed himself an authority over Rob himself!"

"Holy shit," said Recon. "Why did you all break into my house? It's Saturday. I have office hours Monday through Friday why the hell couldn't you wait until then?"

"He violated freeze peach!" said Danny.

"Freeze peach!" echoed the Danisees, and they began their custom.

"No no no, stop that," said Recon. "Not in my house. Look, if I give this guy a trial will you guys promise not to break into my house again?"

"Of course," said Danny.

"And no cumming on the carpet," said Recon. "In fact, no masturbating at all during the trial."

The Danisees grumbled.

"Very well," agreed Danny.

Then Recon took off his fursuit and dressed in judges' robes.

“Are you the Savior of the forum?” asked Recon.

Coolpool shrugged and said "Everyone keeps saying I am."

Recon said to the Danisees and the crowd, “I find no fault in this man."

But the Danisees were fierce, saying, “He stirs up the people, teaching throughout all the forum, on politics and religion!”

"The big P&R?" said Recon. "Damn, that does violate the Roban law..."

As soon as Recon learned that Coolpool belonged to Tetarch Tirin’s jurisdiction, Recon called him on the phone.

"Hey," said Recon. "The Danisees broke into my house and are demanding I execute a minor for weird crimes. Is this another one of your pranks?"

"No," said Tirin. "But I'm in the neighborhood playing mailbox baseball. I can stop by."

Now when Tirin saw Coolpool, he was exceedingly glad because he had heard many things about him, and Tirin hoped to see some miracle done by him. Tirin questioned Coolpool with many words, but he answered him nothing. Then Tirin, with his bros of war, treated Coolpool with contempt and mocked him. That very day Recon and Tirin became friends with each other, for previously they had been at enmity with each other.

Then Recon gathered everyone together.

“You have brought this man to me, as one who misleads the people," said Recon. "And after having examined him in your presence, I have found no fault in Coolpool concerning those things of which you accuse him."

The crowd began to riot.

"Neither did Tirin!" said Recon. "And we all know he's kind of a hard-ass. "Coolpool has done nothing deserving of death. I will therefore have him beaten, then released."

(It was tradition for a Mod to release a prisoner during the holy day, 9/11.)

"Away with Coolpool!" insisted the crowd. "Release to us Tim instead!”

"Tim? The fuck?" said Recon, for Tim had been thrown in prison for being a serial killer numerous times.

"So you want me to release that psychopath," said Recon. "And you want me to kill Coolpool?"

"Crucify him, crucify him!" shouted the Danisees.

"You seriously want me to crucify your alleged Savior?" said Recon.

"We have no Savior but Rob," smiled Danny, and the crowd agreed.

"I better do what they say," Recon whispered to Coolpool. "If Rob hears about civil unrest, he'll have another bitch fit and we might all lose the forum. Sorry, kid."

And so Recon released Tim, a serial killer who began stabbing people in the crowd as soon as he was released. And Recon handed Coolpool over to the Roban soldiers, to be crucified.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 24: Death of the Savior

Now as they led Coolpool away, a great multitude of people followed him, including men, women, and Ibix who all mourned and lamented. Coolpool's followers came as well, and never left their master's side.

But Coolpool, turning to them, said, “Children of the forum, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves. If this is truly how things are going to be under Rob, then indeed the last days are coming. You may want to find a different community."

There were also two others, Twilight-posters, led with Coolpool to be put to death. And when they had come to a hill overlooking the forum, there they crucified him, and the sweet new rule-breakers, one on the right hand and the other on the left.

“Admin in the Sky," said Coolpool through great tears and blood. "Forgive them, for they are just stupid and maybe not evil."

The Robans divided his anime merchandise and cast lots. And the people stood looking on. But the Danisees with them sneered.

“He has the power to save others," said Danny. "Let him save himself if he is the Savior, the chosen one.”

"Coolpool, come down from there!" cried Dunsparce.

"We don't care about the prophecy anymore!" cried Kaidart. "We just don't want our friend to die!"

And an inscription also was written over him in letters of English, Japanese, and Aspie: THIS IS THE SAVIOR OF THE FORUM

"I am very thirsty," said Coolpool. "Can I at least get some water while I bleed out?"

Immediately the great merchant Stealthy came with a sponge. He filled it with water, put it on a staff, and offered it to Coolpool to drink. After he drank, the Robans shoved Stealthy aside and said, “Leave him alone!"

Then one of the criminals, named Req, who was hanged nearby blasphemed Him, saying, “If you are the Savior, save yourself and us!”

But the other, a man named Regis, rebuked him.

"Leave him alone," said Regis. "We knew we were breaking a rule when we did it, cause fuck da police. But this kid has done nothing wrong.”

Then Regis looked to Coolpool and said, "Hey, Savior guy. If for some reason you actually are a deity, can you put in a good word for me?"

And Coolpool thought for a moment, and said to him, “I promise you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

"I'm pretty sure you're full of shit," said Regis. "But...I feel a lot better now, even if it's a lie. Thanks."

"I'm glad," Coolpool whispered through his final tears. "Maybe I was able to help some people after all...."

And with that Coolpool gave up his spirit.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 25: Coolpool is Buried

At the moment Coolpool died, the foundation of the Temple Mall was torn in two from top to bottom. The whole forum shook, great rocks split. Many proclaimed they had seen the spirits of those who had recently died.

When Thirteenicus and Artis, who were guarding Coolpool saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified.

"Surely," said Thirteenicus as he took off his helmet and wept. “Surely he was the Savior.”

So too, did Danny and the Danisees fear and tremble.

"I fear his followers will have been granted holy power," said Danny, pissing his pants. "We must drive them from the heart of the forum before Coolpool's spirit strengthens them."

And so they chased Kaidart, Dunsparce, Anatron, Null, and the other disciples into the countryside.

Later, Stealthy asked Recon for the body of Coolpool. With Recon’s permission, he came and took the body away. He was accompanied by Andy, the man who had helped carry Coolpool's cross up the hill. They prepared his body for burial by ensuring he wore his most treasured anime clothing from his time alive.

At the place where Coolpool was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a tomb called "Roleplaying Board" which had been untouched for eons. They laid Coolpool's body there.


Recon also gave the order for the tomb to be made secure.

"Otherwise," said Recon. "His disciples may come and steal the body, and tell the people that he has been raised from the dead. This last deception will be worse than the first.”

So the Robans made the tomb secure by putting a giant-ass rock in front of it.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 26: The Angel in the Tomb

After the weekend, the man Lumpy went to look at the tomb, hoping to anoint Coolpool's body once more.

But when he arrived, the rock the Robans had placed was rolled aside. A powerful hero from the heavens stood in the empty tomb.

“Don't freak out," said the angel, whose name was Easy Rider. "I know that you're looking for Coolpool. He isn't here, and you should probably tell his disciples that. In fact, tell everyone not to come back to this place. I have to lay low for a few days."

So Lumpy hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell the disciples. But they did not believe him, because his words seemed to them like nonsense.

When one of the Danisees had heard Lumpy's story, he went into the heart of the forum and reported it to Danny. The Danisees gathered and discussed their plan. Then, they gave the schmeckels Bob had returned to them to some Roban guards.

“You are to tell the people that Coolpool's disciples came during the night," said Danny, greasing their hands with coin. "Say they stole his body away while mods were asleep."

So the soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated throughout the forum to this very day.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter 27: Coolpool Appears to His Disciples

At that time, the disciples were camping in the countryside after being driven from the heart of the forum. They were full of wood alcohol, and discussing whether traps were gay and other holy issues, when Coolpool appeared among them. But Coolpool was using his powers to keep them from recognizing him.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" asked Coolpool. "Surprised to see me?"

“Fuck off stranger," said Dunsparce. "You must be the only one visiting the forum who does not know the shitstorm that just went down."

"Wh-whaa..." said Coolpool. "Why are you acting like this?"

“You seriously haven't heard of Coolpool the Savior?” Kaidart replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before Mods and all the people. The Danisees and the Robans handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem the forum. And now someone has maybe stolen his body and blamed it on us. Shit's fucked."

"Why don't you recognize me?" asked Coolpool. "Oh, right, my cosplay!"

Coolpool took off a red cloak and his identity was known to them.

"Peace be with you," smiled Coolpool.

They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost.

Coolpool comforted them, and explained what happened.

"I thought I died after they crucified me," said Coolpool. "But a few days later, I woke up in this tomb. I couldn't get out and got scared again. But then this guy named Easy showed up. He rolled the rock aside and said he needed to lay low for a few days. Apparently he beat Tetarch Tirin in a drinking contest, and was concerned Tirin would send soldiers after him. Anyways, he took my spot in the tomb and I ran home to disguise myself with cosplay."

"What miracles!" proclaimed Anatron. "Surely, you have the powers of a god!"

"I...don't know how to explain all this either," shrugged Coolpool. "Maybe there really is an Admin in the Sky looking out for me. Anyways, I'm really hungry. Do you guys have any food?"

"Here, have some skittles," said Kaidart, pouring them into Coolpool's palm.

The skittles clattered against the ground.

"Oh, right," said Kaidart, as Coolpool sighed.

"What shall we do now?" asked Null. "Drive out the Robans? Slaughter the Danisees?"

"Our lives are for your will," said Dunsparce, and the others nodded.

"I don't think you guys need to do any of that," said Coolpool. "You should just try to be good people. Be nice to others, and make sure to take care of yourself, too. I...don't think it's healthy to live just to try and make others happy."

"But what about you?" asked Anatron.

"I need to go into hiding," said Coolpool, donning his cosplay once more. "The Robans and Danisees will still be after me. I'm going to join a different community, far from the reach of Rob and the others. You guys be careful, the mods and admins around here are acting weirder than...uh...you guys."

"We'll come with you!" cried Kaidart, and the others agreed.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that's a good idea," said Coolpool. "This must happen for uh...for the prophecy to be fulfilled."

"Will you ever return to us," asked Dunsparce.

"I don't know if I can ever come back here," said Coolpool, and the disciples' eyes filled with fresh tears. "But...I will always be with you, in your hearts. Until the end of time, so long as you are good to each other."

The disciples' tears became ones of joy. They said goodbye to Coolpool, who walked away from them, waving until he was gone from their site. The disciples then disobeyed the Danisees and returned to the forum with renewed strength. They continued to preach and to share the message of Coolpool, and even made some more disciples along the way.

Coolpool's message of hope was shared across the whole world, and continues to this very day.

We all eagerly await the day that Coolpool will return to us in flesh and blood, to heal the world completely.

--

Please see the pamphlet at the back of this copy of "The Gospel" to learn how you can contribute to the Ministry of Coolpool today!
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
Chapter ??: Unofficial Text Not Accepted as Coolpool Gospel Canon, Totally Faked, Not to be Trusted

"That earthquake really did this place in," said Andy, admiring the deserted ruins of the Temple Mall around them.

"All according to plan," remarked Stealthy. "Have you ensured Coolpool's safe passage out of the forum?"

"I followed him the whole way and made sure not to be spotted," said Andy. "I doubt we'll be seeing that poor kid again."

"Excellent," said Stealthy, handing Andy a large sum of money. "You keep looking at me for answers."

"So, I get the earthquake part," said Andy, counting the cash. "Place a bunch of small bombs at key points in the foundation, only to be triggered once Coolpool 'died' on the cross."

"A very effective illusion," smiled Stealthy. "Combined with similar bombs underground, the whole forum believes Coolpool's death shook the land. If they weren't my customer before, they will be now."

"But that's the thing," said Andy. "You owned this place and all the Coolpool merchandise. Why would you blow it up?"

"I still profit from all the insurance I had," said Stealthy. "It will cause a delay in my production line, but that will just make the demand greater. Not that Coolpool's resurrection has left much room for demand to grow further."

"That was my favorite part," smiled Andy. "You drugged the water in that sponge, right? So that he would appear dead, be taken off the cross, only to wake up a few days later with sore hand and feet."

Stealthy nodded and Andy laughed.

"Our business is done here," said Stealthy, walking away. "Tomorrow, we have a religion to sell."
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Member
In the Present...

"Hi Coolpool," said TC, shaking Coolpool's hand. "Please, come on in! What business do you have with the Forum Inquirer today?"

"Uh, we're in your house." said Coolpool. "I thought your newspaper thing died out a while ago?"

"Mostly, yes," sighed TC. "I had to sell the building, but I've converted this room into a home office. I've been doing publishing for writers in the area."

"Actually, that's what I'm here about," said Coolpool, setting a copy of The Gospel on the desk between them. "I don't like this book at all. I'm worried people are going to start treating me like a savior, just like in this weird fake historical account."

"You don't like it?" TC smiled sadly. "I think it's Shadow's masterpiece! Honestly, we've sold so many copies already - I'm exited where next week will take us!"

"Insisting I'm a gangster is annoying," said Coolpool. "Insisting I'm cute is obnoxious. But insisting I'm a savior, too? It makes me so upset, I...I could just pout!"

"Awww," said TC, admiring Coolpool's adorable flustered look. "Don't worry about it Coolpool, no one is taking this book too seriously."

"I don't know about that," said Coolpool. "Do you know how I woke up this morning? Regis and Firedemon were singing hymns outside my window. And I'm seeing flyers for a gathering on Sunday, held in my house!"

"I'm sure it's just a passing meme," shrugged TC.

"Besides," said Coolpool. "This work is not fit for print. It has so many inconsistencies and plot holes! I'm pretty sure that Rondait plays like three different characters. And why would the Danisees worry about arresting Coolpool during 9/11, and then do it immediately after they say that, anyways?"

"A lot of people think those inconsistencies support the theory that this is a historical work," said TC. "The disciples had conflicting accounts on what happened when they actually wrote the events of their lives down."

Coolpool sighs and buries his face in his hands, adorably.

"Look, Coolpool," said TC. "I know you're not a big fan of more attention. But, this book is selling so much! It's saving the Inquirer, and even though you only get 0.1% of the funding, that's still going to be a lot of money for you!"

"Nooo, I don't like this!" said Coolpool, quietly stomping his little feet. "I'm going to sue Shadow to get him to stop printing this book!"

"I mean, good luck with that," said TC. "On account of the worldwide book sales, Shadow might actually be challenging Stealthy for richest man in town. I don't think you'd be able to take on his lawyers in a court room. And, according to the book things don't usually go well when you're put on trial."

TC smiled but Coolpool glared at him.

"They won't take this seriously for long," said TC, offering Coolpool a pat on the back and escorting him out of the office. "If people are personally harassing you, you can always call the police and see what they can do."

"But 13th only works like, two days a week!" said Coolpool.

"Thanks for coming by, hope to see you again!" said TC, closing the front door with Coolpool outside.

TC returned to his desk and looked around to make sure he was alone. He opened the middle drawer of his desk and took out a stack of files, removing a small box beneath. TC placed the small box on his desk and opened it.

Inside the box was a small scrap of cloth, from a red garment.

TC held the scrap carefully, smiled, and closed his eyes.

"Praise be to Coolpool."
---
THE END
 
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