The Gospel - Chapter 5: The Bread of the Danisees

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
In those days, a holy man named Shadow came preaching in the desert wilderness of the Forum.

“Three stars, zero fucks!" said Shadow to those that passed him.

Shadow wore a tattered work uniform, and his food was gross-ass bugs, wild honey, and lots of drugs. All the people in the region of the Forum were going out to him, for his memes were good and his mushrooms were filled with wisdom. He had many followers.

But when Shadow saw many of the Danisees coming to his desert, he said to them;

“You brood of aspies! Don't think you pizza-hating fucks are special just 'cause you have some Admin privileges! We could make an Admin out of Walrus if we wanted to, you Butt Ahyss-murdering crybaby bitches! Your time of being emotionally competent is nearing it's end!"

"Shut up!"

The Danisees hated Shadow because he told them the truth.

"Fuck off, druggie," said the Danisees. "We're just on our way to the market to buy some freeze peach."

The Danisees began furiously masturbating at the mention of their most prized possession, as was their custom.

“I sell pretty sick drugs and memes," said Shadow. "But there's a niggá coming who is mightier than I, whose ass I am not worthy to eat."

The people of the Forum marveled at his words.

"He will cleanse you through word and deed," said Shadow. "He will be the most OG motherfucker, and the most precious, adorable being of this world."

"Such a feat is that of a God!" said one of Shadow's disciples.

"And this niggá," said Shadow. "He's going to save those who follow him from the wicked ostrich!"

"Is all this true?" implored those who had gathered around him.

"Maybe!" said Shadow. "I am high as balls right now."

"How will we know who this Savior is?" asked a disciple.

"His powers work in mysterious ways!" said Shadow. "For all I know, he's that niggá right there!"

Shadow pointed at a young man trying to walk by unnoticed. The people of the Forum gasped aloud as the Savior uttered the first holy words.

"Please stop pointing at me," said Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 2: The Baptism of Coolpool

"He speaks wisdom!" proclaimed Kaidart, one of Shadow's disciples. "We must not point to the savior, but to ourselves, and become worthy of his calling!"

"I don't know what's going on," said Coolpool. "I'm not a savior."

"The time of his holy ministry is soon!" proclaimed Shadow. "Let us baptize him in the name of salvation!"

"H-hey, hold on a second!" said Coolpool. "I won't be a savior tomorrow either! Baka!"

Shadow's disciples, who were full of the Spirit[1], carried Coolpool to a nearby well and lowered him in. Immediately, a bright light filled the area and sounds from heaven resounded. The crowds were terrified of these heavenly signs and dispersed.

Soon, two soldiers of the Roban empire approached the well.

"I told you not to turn on the sirens!" said Thirteenicus. "See? All the druggies already scattered!"

"Maybe we'll catch Shadow another time," shrugged Artis. "It looks like we caught one of them at least."

"H-help!" shouted Coolpool. "They threw me down here! Please let me out!"

"Oh, got a bit too high and fell in the well?" mocked Thirteenicus. "Unfortunately for you, polluting a well by swimming in it is a crime."

"But we'll at least get you out of there," said Artis.

"Thanks I guess.." said Coolpool.

The two Robans raised Coolpool out of the well, but rejected his eternal message in favor of worldly passions.

"What do you mean you don't have any money to pay the fine?" mocked Thirteenicus.

"I think one of those guys ran off with my wallet," said Coolpool sadly. "Do you accept IOUs?"

"Spent all your money on desert shrooms," said Thirteenicus. "I guess we'll just hit you a few times and call it even."

The Robans beat Coolpool and sent him home. The savior would suffer greatly at the hands of the Roban empire.
1: wood alcohol

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 3: Coolpool Calls His first Disciples

As Coolpool was walking in his house, he saw two men; Dunsparce and Kaidart. They were casting a net online, for they were phishermen.

"Hey, stop phishing on my computer!" said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys followed me home."

"The Savior has called us not to phish," said Kaidart. "Is is possible he is calling to phish elsewhere?"

"He said that we followed him home," said Dunsparce. "He has proclaimed us as his followers!"

Dunsparce and Kaidart threw themselves on the ground and worshiped him.

"Come on guys, I'm not some kind of god, I'm just like you." said Coolpool.

"See how he humbles himself," proclaimed Kaidart. "Casting aside his divinity to intermingle with mere men!"

Coolpool stormed outside, and his disciples followed.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 4: Coolpool Performs His First Miracle

Three days later, a wedding took place between TC and Nifty. Coolpool and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.

When the booze was gone, Nifty's mother said to him,

“Niggá they dry! Fix it!”

"Excuse me ma'am, why do you involve me?” Coolpool replied. “I'm just a guest."

Nifty's mother said to the venue staff, “Do whatever Coolpool tells you.”

Nearby stood six kegs, the kind used for ceremonial getting-shit-faced, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

Coolpool said to the venue staff, “Fill the kegs with water I guess, so people can get hydrated”; so they filled them to the brim.

After some time he told them, “You should bring some water to Jeroth, the master of the banquet. He looks pretty wasted.

They did so, and Jeroth tasted the water. He did not realize where it had come from, though the venmue staff knew. Then he called TC and Nifty aside and said, “Everyone brings out the best booze first and then the cheaper shit after the guests have gotten shit-faced; but you guys have saved the best till now. Who is responsible for this good shit?"

"Uh, Coolpool I guess," said TC, whose head was stuck in a wastebasket.

"Wait, what?" said Coolpool. "That should just be water. I didn't-"

"The savior has given his first sign!" proclaimed Shadow. "For he has turned mere water into booze!"

"It's true!" admired the venue staff. "The drink was water earlier, he is surely who he is proclaimed to be!"

"Wait a second, that's why you were taking so long inspecting the kegs!" said Coolpool. "Shadow, you spiked the water with cactus juice again, didn't you!"

"The voice of a god!" shouted Kaidart. "And not of a man!"

The people began to worship him.

"Aw geeze," said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys. I'm going home."

What Coolpool did at the wedding was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 5: The Bread of the Danisees

When they had gotten shitfaced, the disciples forgot to take bread.

Some of the disciples began to go to the market, that they might purchase bread from the Danisees.

But Coolpool stopped them.

Be careful,” Coolpool said to them. “Watch out for the bread of the Danisees.

They discussed this among themselves and said, “The Teacher does not speak of the bread of the Danisees, but of their teachings."

"The Savior speaks to us great wisdom through parables!" said Kaidart.

"What?" said Coolpool. "No, it's just that I saw Danny take a shit earlier and not wash his hands on his way to the bakery."

"This is a metaphor!" proclaimed Dunsparce. "Coolpool denounces the Danisees as filth and vile!"

"Filth and vile! Filth and vile!" chanted the disciples.

Coolpool was so pleased with his disciples' understanding, he immediately went home and took a nap, knowing they would spread his Word while he slept.
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