[Literature] Fate: Cookie - Chapter 5: Omens of the Past

Colonel Thunder

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#1
Prologue: Weeb Shit

"Hey, Tirin!" smiled TC, approaching the booth. "Have you heard about my new forumfic, "Fate: Cookie?"

"You're pathetic as you are annoying," growled Tirin as he wiped his mouth. "Get your self-indulgent fantasy writing out of my face."

"It's pretty weeby to make a Fate-themed forumfic," said Joe, taking another bite of his pancakes. "And didn't you already do a battle royale one?"

"Yeah, but this one's different!" said TC. "I'm happy to talk about it some more, mind if I order some food and sit down?"

"You've pestered me enough lately," said Tirin as he stood. "If this wasn't Wolfy's diner, I'd throw you through the wall."

"But you get to be a badass heroic spirit in this one! A really powerful one!" said TC. "And I promise you don't get shot in the back of the head!"

Tirin paused for a second, then looked over at Joe. Joe's meds had kicked in, and he was asleep in his food.

"Alright, I'll give it a chance," said Tirin, swiping the book from TC's hands. "Here's three dollars, now leave me alone for a week."

"Is the money for the book, or for leaving you alone?" said TC, picking up the quarters Tirin swept off the table.

"For leaving me alone," said Tirin. "I'll pay for the book if I like it. If I don't, I'll return it through your window."

"Let me know what you think!" cheered TC as he skipped out of the diner.

"Dumbass is trying to copy Shadow's success with that Jesus Coolpool series," said Tirin. "Joe, what do you want to bet Coolpool's the main character again? Joe?"

Joe snored peacefully.

"Right, you're paying for the meal then," said Tirin as he opened the first page.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Member
#2
Yepp, I'm doing exactly what you think I'm doing. It's a sickness.

I'm always excited to see thoughts, questions, guesses, and suggestions on the dumb shit that I write. If you ever consider sharing something, please do! Knowing if people are invested at all is great encouragement for me to keep going.
 

Tirin

God-Emperor of Tealkind
Moderator
#3
It's only natural that I'm interested in a story that starts with me reading a story that's in part about me.

I swear to God if I'm Coolpool's Servant there are gonna be hands thrown.
 

Rondait

Well-Known Member
Member
#4
A Fate themed fanfic?

This is relevant to my interests, but I swear by all that is unholy that if I am a fucking Lancer (and things go as how they always go for such heroes) I will do everything in my power next time I am inadvertently in charge of the operations department of a fucking aircraft carrier for two hours to punish you.
 

Tirin

God-Emperor of Tealkind
Moderator
#6
Me being me, I'm fairly confident that of any Servant class I'd have to be one of Caster, Saber, or Assassin. Berserker works in theory, but aside from rare instances of showcasing unstoppable force isn't super applicable.
 

Tirin

God-Emperor of Tealkind
Moderator
#9
Tirin and Easy for almost-guaranteed heroic spirits. I could also see Firedemon, Stealthy, Req, and Riyant filling roles like that, as well as plenty of past forumers - Maelstrom and other Heroes/LHs are practically begging for it, and RECON or Danny wouldn't be a bad fit either.

I could also, however, see Riyant or Stealthy fulfilling mage roles, along with Coolpool, Rondait, Jow- a lotta folks, really.

I could see pairings like Blooky/Calamity Spirit TC happening, too, or TC/Fantabadger. Lotta material to work with if you ask me; narrowing it to fourteen(ish) is tough.
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Member
#10
Chapter 1: Rules of Engagement

The clock struck one, signaling the end of lunch at Chocobo Academy. Some students hurried back to class, others took their time, and a few skipped class altogether. This daily event at the world's most prolific mage academy was just a passage of time. Except for today.

Deep in a secret chamber at the heart of the Academy, the Headmaster made final preparations for his guests.

"Where are those packets?" muttered the Headmaster, formal robes fluttering around him. "Ugh, worthless assistant. Here they are!"

The Headmaster scooped up seven inconspicuous binders and strode into the great meeting room. His six guests had already began chatting and drinking refreshments

"Thank you for your patience, everyone," bowed the Headmaster. "I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your coming."

"Headmaster Recon," said Stealthy. "You said there's been an update to the rules of engagement. I assume that's what you have with you?"

"Precisely," said Recon, handing out the binders. "Again, thank you for your patience. This time the Academy has committed to ensuring a fair, clean Cookie War. I understand that this process has been tedious for many of you."

The guests grumbled.

"These terms are thorough, but very straightforward," chuckled Milamber as he scanned the binder contents. "I'm surprised your Academy committee could put together such a quality contract."

"They only approved it," smiled Recon sadly. "Our student body president, Jeroth, put this contract together."

"A student?" scoffed Ciflit.

A healthy young man with a tidy school uniform and a presidential pin stepped forward.

"Thank you again for inviting me, Headmaster," said Jeroth, turning his attention to the guests. "I am truly honored to meet this cycle's masters. I have been studying the past Cookie Wars since before I enrolled at Chocobo Academy, and preventing the destruction it causes has been a passion of mine. The document you hold in your hands is my senior thesis, outlining the rules of engagement for this Cookie War. It has been reviewed and approved by the Grand Committee, as well as the Headmaster. I now seek your approval for its use in this war."

"If only these terms had been used in the last Cookie War," said Stealthy as he finished reading the contract. "We could have prevented the Blood Moon, not to mention the Tim killings."

"Please, speak no more of it," asked Headmaster Recon.

"With all due respect, Headmaster," said Jeroth. "Master Stealthy is the only one here who participated in the last Cookie War. Were it not for his swift actions, the Academy may have been compromised. If he has any advice on how this contract could better secure the magical world's safety, I would ask that it not be filtered."

"O-of course," stumbled Recon, glancing at Stealthy's cane and metal leg. "Stealthy-that is, Master Stealthy, knows more than anyone what's at risk. Thank you for your service, sir. Both past and present."

"You're a bright young man," said Stealthy, looking past the Headmaster. "I find no fault with your terms, and would gladly conduct the Cookie War under them."

"Thank you, Master Stealthy," said Jeroth calmly.

The other masters grumbled, but ultimately came to the same conclusion. These terms would greatly reduce the potential for civilian casualties and collateral damage, all without restricting the methods of the masters.

"Master Stealthy, have you seen Professor Kratour lately?" asked Recon. "He's...supposed to be the seventh master."

"I'm afraid not," frowned Stealthy. "He told me he'd spend the next few weeks building an elaborate campaign, and then abandoning it."

"Seriously?" said Recon. "He committed to this Cookie War years ago! I even talked to him last week about this and he was still on board then!"

"I'm afraid you're in need of a seventh master," shrugged Stealthy. "It wouldn't do well for the Cookie to select a mage outside Jeroth's contract as a replacement master."

"Perhaps I could be of assistance!" said an excited voice from a recently-opened door.

A thin student with an ill-fitted jacket bounded towards the group.

"I've played every iteration of the Cookie War games," bragged the junior student. "I'd be a great replacement master!"

Several of the masters began laughing. Recon and Jeroth glared.

"Excuse me student," smiled Milamber. "You're not qualified to be a master. I'm surprised you're even qualified to have access to this chamber."

"Ugh," said Recon. "Everyone, this this my office assistant, TC. Please pay no attention to him. Please."

"Okay, so I haven't played the new Cookie War on mobile," admitted TC while grabbing one of the refreshments. "But that game's pay-to-win anyways, and I'm not going to out-spend Tag Ross on it anytime soon. But I have all the actual experience from the main games! I totally know how it all goes down! There's seven masters, who summon several heroic spirits! Then they battle it out until only one is left! And then they get their wish granted by the Cookie!"

"Your synopsis is unnecessary, TC." said Recon sternly. "Get back to work. Now."

"Sorry, sorry," said TC, backing away from the numerous glares. "Just call me when you need me. Whoa!"

TC bumped into Stealthy's cane and fell, but Stealthy caught him.

"Careful son," said Stealthy. "A mistake like that would be fatal in a Cookie War."

"Out!" bellowed Recon, and TC scampered out of the room.

"May I make a recommendation, Headmaster?" asked Stealthy.

"Yes, please," said Recon. "Whatever punishment you have in mind for TC's insolence will surely be just. I apologize he nearly knocked you o-"

"No, not that," said Stealthy. "You're not likely to find a good candidate for the seventh master on such short notice. Why not have Jeroth act as the replacement master?"

"M-master Stealthy, you greatly honor me," said Jeroth, trying not to blush.

Recon pauses.

"No," said the Headmaster. "I could not have a student participate in the Cookie War. The risk and precedent is not worth it. I will find a suitable master before the war begins."

"I understand," said Jeroth, bowing his head.

"Is there anything else we need to discuss?" asked Ciflit. "I have to plot all of your deaths, and I'd prefer not to waste time."

"Just a little review before you sign the contracts," said Recon. "As you've read, the Adventurer's Clubhouse is neutral ground in this Cookie War. Professor Blooky will be overseeing the Cookie War from that location. I will be collaborating with Blooky on any major decisions regarding the war, but she should be your primary contact and source of support."

"Are you sure she can be trusted?" asked Milamber. "We all know that Blooky has rather...eclectic taste."

"I understand your concern," said Recon. "But I trust Blooky. Her track record is far better than past overseers."

The masters grumbled, but settled down.

"After signing the contract, you will all receive your randomized summoning artifacts at your private, predisposed locations at the same time," said Headmaster Recon. "Now, let's have a clean, normal Cookie War."

The masters signed, and parted ways.
 
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Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
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#13
Chapter 2: Guest House

"That pathetic courier should have been here by now," said Ciflit, rubbing his arms. He sighed, and his breath formed frustrated shapes in the brisk night air.

Ciflit considered retreating to the cabin. He was instructed to take residence there for the receipt of his catalyst. The cabin was lonely enough to keep from prying eyes. But perhaps not from mages.

"At last," grumbled Ciflit as lights emerged over a far hill. He cast a quick heat spell in the meantime. His magic robes were interwoven with a fabric that enhanced his powerful spells. They just weren't well-insulated.

Soon a small car crawled towards the cabin on the dirt road. Ciflit raised a hand to signal the driver, and the car stopped. The lights dimmed and the engine quieted.

Ciflit saw a man casually exit the vehicle.

"Here lies Butt Ahyss," said the driver.

"His Ahyss was truly butt," replied Ciflit.

The driver nodded and cast a simple light spell, illuminating the area.

"Master Ciflit," said the driver, a groomed and well-dressed man. "I believe I have something for you."

"Quickly," said Ciflit, trying not to smile. "Master Ciflit," he whispered under his breath with glee.

The driver walked to the back of the vehicle and opened the trunk. He carefully picked up an object wrapped in burlap sacks and closed the trunk.

"You're awfully under-dressed for a night this cold," said the driver, walking towards Ciflit with the bundle.

"You're awfully over-dressed for a courier," frowned Ciflit, gently picking at spell components in his robe's pocket. "Leave your delivery there."

The driver gently placed the bundle down not ten feet in front of Ciflit. He smiled and straightened his blazer, either not noticing or considering the implied threat.

"Headmaster didn't want to send his assistant," said the driver. "Boy's not too bright. Thought he could be the victim of foul play."

"A wise choice," said Ciflit, keeping his eyes on the driver. "But, you understand. We have not met."

"I'll be on my way," said the driver, putting his hands up and backing away slowly.

"Good," sniffed Ciflit. He watched the driver enter the car, back up, and retreat the way he came. Once there was no trace of lights on the far hill, Ciflit approached the bundle.

"Ah, I can sense the magical energy pulsating from this catalyst!" said Ciflit, carefully removing the burlap coverings.

He chuckled as the catalyst was revealed.

"A rusted rim?" mused Ciflit. "My servant appears to be the swiftest of all Riders, Wilger. Not my first choice of servant, but he will secure my victory nonetheless."

"Today marks the end of Professor Ciflit," said Ciflit as he reached for the catalyst. "And the beginning of Master Ci-AUGH!"

A blinding blue light wrapped around Ciflit's fingers. He tried to pull away, but the light extended up his arms quicker than he could mutter a spell, and soon he was pulled inside the object entirely.

The catalyst gave off one more burst of light before disintegrating into a chrome sphere the size of a baseball.

All was quiet for several minutes. Soon, a car drove over the hill and carefully parked in front of the cabin.

The driver exited again, more casually and with an even brighter smile.

"Funny thing about that contract you all signed," said the well-dressed man as he picked up the burlap sacks. "Interfering with another master's ability to summon their servant? Not allowed."

He picked up the chrome sphere, and saw the faint image of a red-faced mage screaming and pounding on the inside.

"But tricking a master into entering a pocket dimension wherein all their skills, abilities, health and well-being are intact?" said the driver. "Not a problem."

The driver could almost hear Ciflit's shouts and spells from within his new home. He saw an occasional flash of fire in the sphere, but knew it would bear no fruit.

"Now, don't go wrecking your dimensional guest house," said the driver as he walked back towards his car. "You'll be there for a few weeks I'd bet, might as well get comfy. Food's not too good, but it'll keep you alive. Even a couple coloring books in there if you get bored. Can't remember if there's crayons though."

The driver opened his trunk and set the burlap sacks in. He opened a small chest in the back, revealing four similar spheres with faint reflections in them.

"New neighbor," said the driver as he looked at the spheres, and then at the one in his hand. "Look Ciffy, I know you're upset. But there's nothing stopping you from participating in this Cookie War. No one's broken the contract."

The driver licked his finger and adjusted a stray hair.

"Though, uh," smiled the driver. "Good luck finding a catalyst in there."

In the pocket dimension, Ciflit raged and raged to no avail. The last thing he saw before being placed in the chest was the car's license plate.

SPIFFY
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Member
#15
Chapter 3: Adult Swim

"It's not fair, Jow!" said Jeroth. He paced back and forth in their dorm room. "I was this close to getting into the Cookie War! This close!"

"Uh huh," said Jow, as he ate a bowl of cereal.

"Students have participated in the Cookie War before," said Jeroth, walking in front of the television again. "It was only at the committee's insistence that students be excluded, and that wasn't accounting for needing a replacement master!"

"Uh huh," said Jow as he craned his head.

"It's in their best interest to have me as a replacement master!" said Jeroth. "I even got Professor Stealthy's endorsement. Professor Stealthy's!"

"Hey, that ramen place has a commercial now," said Jow.

"There's no way they'll find a suitable replacement before the other masters summon their servants," said Jeroth. "The headmaster's making a mistake."

"Maybe you'll get a chance to be in a different Cookie War," said Jow as he put his bowl in the sink.

Someone knocked on the door, and they both turned.

"Yeah, you can talk to the RA about why you're yelling," said Jow.

Jeroth cautiously opened the door.

"Heya Jeroth!" smiled TC. "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"I...live here," said Jeroth. "My name's even on the door. How did-"

"My instructions say not to talk to anyone," said TC. "I'm just supposed to give you this."

TC handed Jeroth a wrapped package that fit in his hand.

"Uh, thanks," said Jeroth.

TC waved and then skipped down the hall.

"Ramen place is open late now," said Jow. "What's that?"

"Probably another stupid invite to watch his stream," said Jeroth as he opened the package. "Whoa."

Jow turned his head. Jeroth was bathed in a brilliant teal light emanating from the package. The room became drenched in powerful magic energy as Jeroth picked up the content of the package.

"Looks like I'll get that chance sooner than we thought," smiled Jeroth. "The most powerful hero is mine to command."
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Member
#16
Chapter 4: Sophomore Blues

"Ugh," said Coolpool, slamming his dorm room door.

He let his heavy backpack droop to the ground. Its contents spilled out onto an untidy floor.

"I don't have time or motivation for this," said Coolpool.

He rubbed his eyes and moved some dishes. Coolpool washed his face in the kitchen sink, then stared at his reflection in a dirty glass.

"Keep it together, Coolpool," he said, standing up straight. "You're failing two classes. Doing this assignment well might change that."

Coolpool walked back to his backpack and organized the contents.

"To raise my grade to a C, I just need to get a 95% or higher on this essay for Professor Kratour," said Coolpol. "But...he never shows up for his office hours, and I still have a lot of questions about my subject..."

Coolpool shook his head.

"Instead, I'll focus on this presentation for my mage history class," said Coolpool. "All I have to do is read a few hundred pages of 0corn's philosophies, create a half-hour dissertation on their contents, and practice my speech."

Coolpool moves a notebook off of some crumpled papers.

"But, I said I'd help Tag Ross practice his own presentation today" sighs Coolpool. "And he presents tomorrow, I don't present until the day after."

Coolpool stops and thinks.

"No, I can't cancel plans with Tag Ross," said Coolpool. "That's something a bad friend would do. I want to be a good one."

Coolpool picked up a flyer someone had handed him.

"Oh no, I forgot I volunteered to help scrub shitposts off the bathroom stalls," said Coolpool.

He laid down amidst his schoolwork disaster.

"Maybe I should just quit school," said Coolpool. "Maybe I was never meant to be a mage. I don't have the motivation."

Coolpool wiped away a tear.

"I knew I shouldn't have spent all day yesterday helping Tolvan pass captchas!"

Coolpool thought and thought about what to do. Suddenly, he bolted upright.

"I know exactly what to do!" said Coolpool with a confident laugh.

Coolpool went into his bedroom and dumped all his ties for school on the floor. He picked up one and tugged it hard at both ends.

"Yes!" cheered Coolpool. "These are definitely sturdy enough to make a noose!"

A few minutes later, someone knocked on the door.

"Kinda busy," said Coolpool in what he thought was a loud voice. "Now where's a good anchor point..."

Someone knocked on the door again.

"Fine, I'm coming," said Coolpool.

He opened the door and saw a small box on the ground. A senior student Coolpool barely recognized was walking down the hallway. He gave a wave to Coolpool as he continued.

Coolpool sighed and took the box inside. He took off the lid and averted his gaze from the shining object inside.

There was a golden, jewel-encrusted chalice in the box with the air of magical energy about it. Little sloth emblems surrounded the brim.

"This must be that summoning assignment Professor Walrus was talking about," said Coolpool. "He said it wouldn't be until next week! And since when is he allowed to send assignments directly to our dorm rooms? Whatever."

Coolpool pushed all his other schoolwork aside and smiled at the chalice.

"At least summoning's one of the few things I'm good at," he said. This should just take a minute."
 

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Member
#17
Chapter 5: Omens of the Past

"Go inside, prisoner," said the guard.

Andy complied. He walked into the visiting room. A smiling young idiot sat at the table. He sat down.

"This is the first time I've had a visitor," said Andy. "I don't suppose you're a lawyer, here for my case?"

"Actually, I just have a package to deliver," said TC. "But...the instructions were kind of funny. This is supposed to go to your parents."

Andy clenched his fist beneath the table. The guard readied himself.

"I didn't know them well," said Andy as calmly as possible. "I've been very clear that I won't discuss my early childhood in past attempts at these pathetic interviews."

"Sorry, I mean no offense," said TC, leaning back. "I'm not here to talk about what your parents did. I'm just a....super special delivery guy."

"If you want to make a delivery to my parents," said Andy. "I'm sure one of the guards can give you directions to the pit their ashes were dumped in. Goodbye."

"Wait!" said TC as Andy stood up. "It's very strange that my instructions said to deliver this to someone whose been dead for years. I'm sure the Headmaster meant to put your name instead. He knows more than anyone what happened to them."

"Headmaster?" asked Andy. "If you're from the Academy, I'm not interested. I'm not a mage. I'm not like them."

"I don't think so either," said TC. "For what it's worth, I think it's awful they locked you up here just because your parents were lame. I think, this item might help you prove who you really are."

TC pushed a small box in front of Andy. Andy picked it up and nodded.

"Guard," said Andy. "I'm ready to go."

One guard cuffed Andy while another watched. TC left the room, and Andy was escorted to his shack on the shores of Prison Island. Andy set the package down on the musty floor. He sat on his bed and gazed around the empty room. Eventually, he sighed and opened the package.

A shard of a bullet casing lay within it. Andy hadn't dealt with magical items in over a decade, but even he knew what this meant.

"I am not them!" said Andy as he crumpled the box around the shard. He kicked open the door of his shack, knocking off one of the hinges. Andy took several steps forward, and then hurled the package into the sea.

Andy could not sleep that night.

"I could always banish the servant if they were like Tim," said Andy to the clock spiders on his roof. "But would I be able to tell before it's too late?"

Andy thought and thought, since there was nothing else to do. Eventually, he got up to retrieve the catalyst.

"I shouldn't have thrown it," frowned Andy. The giant piranhas that guarded Prison Island circled where Andy's package had sunk to the bottom.

Andy picked up his trusted machete and waded into the water, slashing all the attacking creatures that came near him. But there were too many.

"Cheeky cunts," growled Andy as a piranha bit his calf.

The bite brought memories. When he was young, he played in an anthill and was bit many times on that leg. He cried to his mother, who tried to teach him a spell for handling a group of pests. His magical circuits were too young then.

"Electro!" shouted Andy, channeling the mana within him. A bolt of lightning hit the water in front of him, arcing throughout the water. Most of the piranhas scattered, while others floated belly-up. Andy clenched his teeth. The shock hurt, but it was of no significance to someone raised on the accursed island. He waded over to where the package laid and retrieved it, hurrying back to land before the piranhas returned.

"Perhaps you'll be my ticket out of this," smiled Andy.

The catalyst glimmered.
 

Easy

Right Honorable Justice
Member
#19
Whoah, an Aussie that doesn't think he lives in the best place on Earth...
 
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