The Gospel - Chapter 12: Coolpool Feeds the 5000

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
In those days, a holy man named Shadow came preaching in the desert wilderness of the Forum.

“Three stars, zero fucks!" said Shadow to those that passed him.

Shadow wore a tattered work uniform, and his food was gross-ass bugs, wild honey, and lots of drugs. All the people in the region of the Forum were going out to him, for his memes were good and his mushrooms were filled with wisdom. He had many followers.

But when Shadow saw many of the Danisees coming to his desert, he said to them;

“You brood of aspies! Don't think you pizza-hating fucks are special just 'cause you have some Admin privileges! We could make an Admin out of Walrus if we wanted to, you Butt Ahyss-murdering crybaby bitches! Your time of being emotionally competent is nearing it's end!"

"Shut up!"

The Danisees hated Shadow because he told them the truth.

"Fuck off, druggie," said the Danisees. "We're just on our way to the market to buy some freeze peach."

The Danisees began furiously masturbating at the mention of their most prized possession, as was their custom.

“I sell pretty sick drugs and memes," said Shadow. "But there's a niggá coming who is mightier than I, whose ass I am not worthy to eat."

The people of the Forum marveled at his words.

"He will cleanse you through word and deed," said Shadow. "He will be the most OG motherfucker, and the most precious, adorable being of this world."

"Such a feat is that of a God!" said one of Shadow's disciples.

"And this niggá," said Shadow. "He's going to save those who follow him from the wicked ostrich!"

"Is all this true?" implored those who had gathered around him.

"Maybe!" said Shadow. "I am high as balls right now."

"How will we know who this Savior is?" asked a disciple.

"His powers work in mysterious ways!" said Shadow. "For all I know, he's that niggá right there!"

Shadow pointed at a young man trying to walk by unnoticed. The people of the Forum gasped aloud as the Savior uttered the first holy words.

"Please stop pointing at me," said Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 2: The Baptism of Coolpool

"He speaks wisdom!" proclaimed Kaidart, one of Shadow's disciples. "We must not point to the savior, but to ourselves, and become worthy of his calling!"

"I don't know what's going on," said Coolpool. "I'm not a savior."

"The time of his holy ministry is soon!" proclaimed Shadow. "Let us baptize him in the name of salvation!"

"H-hey, hold on a second!" said Coolpool. "I won't be a savior tomorrow either! Baka!"

Shadow's disciples, who were full of the Spirit[1], carried Coolpool to a nearby well and lowered him in. Immediately, a bright light filled the area and sounds from heaven resounded. The crowds were terrified of these heavenly signs and dispersed.

Soon, two soldiers of the Roban empire approached the well.

"I told you not to turn on the sirens!" said Thirteenicus. "See? All the druggies already scattered!"

"Maybe we'll catch Shadow another time," shrugged Artis. "It looks like we caught one of them at least."

"H-help!" shouted Coolpool. "They threw me down here! Please let me out!"

"Oh, got a bit too high and fell in the well?" mocked Thirteenicus. "Unfortunately for you, polluting a well by swimming in it is a crime."

"But we'll at least get you out of there," said Artis.

"Thanks I guess.." said Coolpool.

The two Robans raised Coolpool out of the well, but rejected his eternal message in favor of worldly passions.

"What do you mean you don't have any money to pay the fine?" mocked Thirteenicus.

"I think one of those guys ran off with my wallet," said Coolpool sadly. "Do you accept IOUs?"

"Spent all your money on desert shrooms," said Thirteenicus. "I guess we'll just hit you a few times and call it even."

The Robans beat Coolpool and sent him home. The savior would suffer greatly at the hands of the Roban empire.
1: wood alcohol

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 3: Coolpool Calls His first Disciples

As Coolpool was walking in his house, he saw two men; Dunsparce and Kaidart. They were casting a net online, for they were phishermen.

"Hey, stop phishing on my computer!" said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys followed me home."

"The Savior has called us not to phish," said Kaidart. "Is is possible he is calling to phish elsewhere?"

"He said that we followed him home," said Dunsparce. "He has proclaimed us as his followers!"

Dunsparce and Kaidart threw themselves on the ground and worshiped him.

"Come on guys, I'm not some kind of god, I'm just like you." said Coolpool.

"See how he humbles himself," proclaimed Kaidart. "Casting aside his divinity to intermingle with mere men!"

Coolpool stormed outside, and his disciples followed.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 4: Coolpool Performs His First Miracle

Three days later, a wedding took place between TC and Nifty. Coolpool and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.

When the booze was gone, Nifty's mother said to him,

“Niggá they dry! Fix it!”

"Excuse me ma'am, why do you involve me?” Coolpool replied. “I'm just a guest."

Nifty's mother said to the venue staff, “Do whatever Coolpool tells you.”

Nearby stood six kegs, the kind used for ceremonial getting-shit-faced, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

Coolpool said to the venue staff, “Fill the kegs with water I guess, so people can get hydrated”; so they filled them to the brim.

After some time he told them, “You should bring some water to Jeroth, the master of the banquet. He looks pretty wasted.

They did so, and Jeroth tasted the water. He did not realize where it had come from, though the venmue staff knew. Then he called TC and Nifty aside and said, “Everyone brings out the best booze first and then the cheaper shit after the guests have gotten shit-faced; but you guys have saved the best till now. Who is responsible for this good shit?"

"Uh, Coolpool I guess," said TC, whose head was stuck in a wastebasket.

"Wait, what?" said Coolpool. "That should just be water. I didn't-"

"The savior has given his first sign!" proclaimed Shadow. "For he has turned mere water into booze!"

"It's true!" admired the venue staff. "The drink was water earlier, he is surely who he is proclaimed to be!"

"Wait a second, that's why you were taking so long inspecting the kegs!" said Coolpool. "Shadow, you spiked the water with cactus juice again, didn't you!"

"The voice of a god!" shouted Kaidart. "And not of a man!"

The people began to worship him.

"Aw geeze," said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys. I'm going home."

What Coolpool did at the wedding was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 5: The Bread of the Danisees

When they had gotten shitfaced, the disciples forgot to take bread.

Some of the disciples began to go to the market, that they might purchase bread from the Danisees.

But Coolpool stopped them.

Be careful,” Coolpool said to them. “Watch out for the bread of the Danisees.

They discussed this among themselves and said, “The Teacher does not speak of the bread of the Danisees, but of their teachings."

"The Savior speaks to us great wisdom through parables!" said Kaidart.

"What?" said Coolpool. "No, it's just that I saw Danny take a shit earlier and not wash his hands on his way to the bakery."

"This is a metaphor!" proclaimed Dunsparce. "Coolpool denounces the Danisees as filth and vile!"

"Filth and vile! Filth and vile!" chanted the disciples.

Coolpool was so pleased with his disciples' understanding, he immediately went home and took a nap, knowing they would spread his Word while he slept.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 6: Coolpool Restores the Sight of a Dumbass

One day, As Coolpool and his disciples were leaving the city, a large crowd followed him. A dumb man (who was blind) was sitting by the roadside, and when he heard that Coolpool was going by, he shouted:

“Coolpool, Savior of all, have mercy on me!”

"Shut up, TC!" rebuked the crowd. "If you talk to Coolpool you'll probably screw up his mission."

But TC shouted all the louder:

“Coolpool, Savior of all, have mercy on me!”

Coolpool stopped and said, “What do you want me to do for you, TC?

“Lord,” TC answered. "Please restore my sight."

"Why don't you just pull that wastebasket off your head?" asked Coolpool.

"I am too weak," said TC. "And my hands are stuck in pickle jars."

"If you let go of the pickle, then you can probably pull your hand out of the jar and then take the basket off your head," said Coolpool.

"But...then I wouldn't get the pickle," said TC.

The blind man was remorseful, for the cost of following Coolpool was great indeed.

Coolpool sighed and had compassion on the dumb man. Coolpool miraculously restored his sight, and the crowd marveled at this work.

"I can see again!" said the dumb man. "Thank you, Coolpool! thank you!"

"We have known this man to be blind for a long time," said the disciples. "And Coolpool has restored his sight before our eyes! He truly is the Savior!"

"Not again. I'm going home," said Coolpool, disappointed that some of the crowd required miracles for him to be recognized as Savior.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 7: More Disciples and The Sermon in the Clubhouse

Over the course of his ministry, Coolpool called several close disciples to follow him. There was Kaidart and Xander, disciples of Shadow who followed Coolpool at their master's behest. Then there was Bob, a Jew (who was greedy and would later betray Coolpool, the Czech bitch). There was Anatron, a reformed criminal who was called to light, and there was Null, who never really said much.

One day, when Coolpool saw a crowd gathering around him, he went up to the Clubhouse and sat down. His disciples came to him and waited beneath the Clubhouse, as did the crowd. He began to teach them.

At one point, a spider crawled near Coolpool, and Bob sought to squish it. Coolpool urged him to hold his blow and said;

"Don't kill this little guy. He isn't hurting anyone."

Coolpool let the spider crawl onto his hand, and he set it down gently in the grass once outside the Clubhouse.

"But Coolpool," said one of the Danisees. "Tetrach Tirin has decreed spiders an enemy to be destroyed. Do you reject the ordinances of the king?"

"I think all life is precious," says Coolpool. "Besides, spiders are pretty cute."

"Truly, this man is not of this world," said Anatron, marveling at the strange mercy of the Savior.

The Danisees reported this incident to the Robans, but they did not pursue Coolpool at this time.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 8: Coolpool Talks to a Woman

Now Coolpool learned that the Danisees had heard that he was gaining more disciples than Shadow. So he left the forum and went back once more to Discord.

So Coolpool came to a weeb town in the channel, and he was tired from the journey. He sat down by the well. It was about noon.

When a woman (Blooky) came to draw water, Coolpool said to her, “Will you please give me a drink? I just outran a bunch of dudes that I think wanted to kill me."

Blooky said to him, “Wait, you're a guy on the internet. How can you ask me for a drink? Shouldn't you be either driving me away or trying to sleep with me?” (For forumers did not associate with women)

Coolpool answered her, “Lady, if you knew the crazy stuff that's gone on in my life recently, you wouldn't be asking that."

“Well,” Blooky said, “Your dumb ass has nothing to draw with and the well is deep. So fine, I'll get you a drink you weird kid."

Coolpool said “Everyone's obsessed with this idea of a savior that will drive out the Robans and bring eternal peace or something. Except, the people who believe this stuff are insane and those who don't believe it are assholes just trying to control what others do. It's really wearing me out."

Blooky said to him, “Wait, I've heard legends of this Savior! I've heard that he's come to this land, and that he'll explain everything to us and heal all transgressions!”

Then Coolpool sighed, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.

The woman frowned, as did Coolpool. They discussed many more things together.

"Here's your drink," said Blooky, handing Coolpool the bucket of water. "...good luck kid."

"Thanks," said Coolpool.

After Blooky had gone, Coolpool's disciples returned and were surprised that he had talked with a woman.

"But, there are no women on the internet!" said Xander.

"Truly, this Savior works in mysterious ways!" said Anatron.

"Let's just head back," said Coolpool, and he began walking towards the Forum.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 9: Coolpool Heals a Dude With a Broken Leg

On one of the days while Coolpool was teaching in his home, a hole in the roof appeared and a man fell through it next to where Coolpool stood.

"Ow, ow!" said Rondait, the man who had fallen.

"What happened?" asked Coolpool.

"I was working on the third floor of the building next to yours," said Rondait. "When I saw my co-worker."

"...and?" asked Coolpool.

"So I jumped out the window and crashed through your roof," said Rondait.

"It's going to take me a long time to fix that," sighed Coolpool. "Please just get out of my house."

"Okay," said Rondait, who fell down again. "Ow, ow! I think my leg might be broken!"

"It doesn't look broken," said Coolpool. "Let me help you up."

"Oh, you're right," said Rondait, standing up. "I feel alright now that I'm standing."

At once the man got up in front of them. He took his leprechaun outfit and went to his home thanking Coolpool. All those who were there marveled at this miracle.

"This man's leg was broken, and in a moment he was healed by Coolpool's touch!" said Kaidart.

"The acts of a god, and not of a man!" proclaimed Anatron.

"Oh no..." said Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 10: Coolpool Sends Out His Disciples

"Hey guys, I have a lot of work to do," said Coolpool. "For just one weekend, can you leave me alone? I want to work on my cosplay."

"But where shall we go?" asked Null.

"I don't know, go into town or something," said Coolpool.

And so Coolpool sent his disciples out, for the purpose of spreading his word that all should repent.

The disciples entered many private homes, saying "May Coolpool’s peace be on this house." If those who lived there were peaceful, the blessing would stand and they would commune together. But if those who lived there rejected Coolpool's messengers, or threatened to call the police, the disciples would burn the home to the ground.

After several days, the disciples returned to Coolpool and informed him of all the good they had done. Coolpool was so overcome with pride in his disciples, he immediately hid himself and cried.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 11: Tirin Kills Shadow the Prophet

At that time Tirin, a mod of the Forum, heard the reports about Coolpool.

“Perhaps Shadow was right about him," said Tirin. "I have now heard several reports of Coolpool's miracles."

Tirin had been fucking his clone on a regular basis. Shadow had been telling Tirin, “Niggá that's gay,” because of this. For this reason, Tirin arrested Shadow and put him in prison. And, also because Shadow stabbed a man in the taint.

On Tirin’s birthday, a furry named Ro danced for Tirin and his guests, and this pleased him. So Tirin promised with an oath to give Ro anything he wanted. Because Ro was a friend of the furry Shadow had stabbed, he said "Give me the head of Shadow.”

Although Tirin was very sad, he had made a promise, and his dinner guests had heard him. So Tirin ordered that what he asked for be done. He sent soldiers to the prison to cut off Shadow’s head. And they brought it on a platter and gave it to Ro.

"Now get out of here, you pansexual freak" said Tirin.

Shadow’s followers came and got his body and buried it. Then they went and told Coolpool.

"Truly, I say to you," said Coolpool, shaking his head. "There will never again be a man quite like Shadow."

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer
Chapter 12: Coolpool Feeds the 5000

One day, Coolpool's disciples and a crowd of 5000 followed him to a remote place.

As evening approached, his disciples got hungry and said, “Coolpool, there's no food around here and it’s getting late. You should send everyone home."

"Did you bring food for yourself?" asked Coolpool.

"Just a little," said Kaidart. "And I'm not sharing."

Coolpool replied, "They don't need to go home. Look.”

The disciples looked, and everyone in the crowd suddenly had food and was eating it.

"What a powerful miracle!" cried Kaidart.

"Hey can you summon some booze too?" asked Bob.

"What?" said Coolpool. "I didn't do anything. I just asked everyone to bring their own food. Did you not get the memo?"

"Praise Coolpool, and his miraculous works!" shouted Dunsparce to the crowd.

The crowd cheered and began to worship. Coolpool sighed.
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