[Literature] The Gospel of Coolpool - COMPLETE

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
In those days, a holy man named Shadow came preaching in the desert wilderness of the Forum.

“Three stars, zero fucks!" said Shadow to those that passed him.

Shadow wore a tattered work uniform, and his food was gross-ass bugs, wild honey, and lots of drugs. All the people in the region of the Forum were going out to him, for his memes were good and his mushrooms were filled with wisdom. He had many followers.

But when Shadow saw many of the Danisees coming to his desert, he said to them;

“You brood of aspies! Don't think you pizza-hating fucks are special just 'cause you have some Admin privileges! We could make an Admin out of Walrus if we wanted to, you Butt Ahyss-murdering crybaby bitches! Your time of being emotionally competent is nearing it's end!"

"Shut up!"

The Danisees hated Shadow because he told them the truth.

"Fuck off, druggie," said the Danisees. "We're just on our way to the market to buy some freeze peach."

The Danisees began furiously masturbating at the mention of their most prized possession, as was their custom.

“I sell pretty sick drugs and memes," said Shadow. "But there's a niggá coming who is mightier than I, whose ass I am not worthy to eat."

The people of the Forum marveled at his words.

"He will cleanse you through word and deed," said Shadow. "He will be the most OG motherfucker, and the most precious, adorable being of this world."

"Such a feat is that of a God!" said one of Shadow's disciples.

"And this niggá," said Shadow. "He's going to save those who follow him from the wicked ostrich!"

"Is all this true?" implored those who had gathered around him.

"Maybe!" said Shadow. "I am high as balls right now."

"How will we know who this Savior is?" asked a disciple.

"His powers work in mysterious ways!" said Shadow. "For all I know, he's that niggá right there!"

Shadow pointed at a young man trying to walk by unnoticed. The people of the Forum gasped aloud as the Savior uttered the first holy words.

"Please stop pointing at me," said Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 2: The Baptism of Coolpool

"He speaks wisdom!" proclaimed Kaidart, one of Shadow's disciples. "We must not point to the savior, but to ourselves, and become worthy of his calling!"

"I don't know what's going on," said Coolpool. "I'm not a savior."

"The time of his holy ministry is soon!" proclaimed Shadow. "Let us baptize him in the name of salvation!"

"H-hey, hold on a second!" said Coolpool. "I won't be a savior tomorrow either! Baka!"

Shadow's disciples, who were full of the Spirit[1], carried Coolpool to a nearby well and lowered him in. Immediately, a bright light filled the area and sounds from heaven resounded. The crowds were terrified of these heavenly signs and dispersed.

Soon, two soldiers of the Roban empire approached the well.

"I told you not to turn on the sirens!" said Thirteenicus. "See? All the druggies already scattered!"

"Maybe we'll catch Shadow another time," shrugged Artis. "It looks like we caught one of them at least."

"H-help!" shouted Coolpool. "They threw me down here! Please let me out!"

"Oh, got a bit too high and fell in the well?" mocked Thirteenicus. "Unfortunately for you, polluting a well by swimming in it is a crime."

"But we'll at least get you out of there," said Artis.

"Thanks I guess.." said Coolpool.

The two Robans raised Coolpool out of the well, but rejected his eternal message in favor of worldly passions.

"What do you mean you don't have any money to pay the fine?" mocked Thirteenicus.

"I think one of those guys ran off with my wallet," said Coolpool sadly. "Do you accept IOUs?"

"Spent all your money on desert shrooms," said Thirteenicus. "I guess we'll just hit you a few times and call it even."

The Robans beat Coolpool and sent him home. The savior would suffer greatly at the hands of the Roban empire.
1: wood alcohol

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 3: Coolpool Calls His first Disciples

As Coolpool was walking in his house, he saw two men; Dunsparce and Kaidart. They were casting a net online, for they were phishermen.

"Hey, stop phishing on my computer!" said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys followed me home."

"The Savior has called us not to phish," said Kaidart. "Is is possible he is calling to phish elsewhere?"

"He said that we followed him home," said Dunsparce. "He has proclaimed us as his followers!"

Dunsparce and Kaidart threw themselves on the ground and worshiped him.

"Come on guys, I'm not some kind of god, I'm just like you." said Coolpool.

"See how he humbles himself," proclaimed Kaidart. "Casting aside his divinity to intermingle with mere men!"

Coolpool stormed outside, and his disciples followed.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 4: Coolpool Performs His First Miracle

Three days later, a wedding took place between TC and Nifty. Coolpool and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding.

When the booze was gone, Nifty's mother said to him,

“Niggá they dry! Fix it!”

"Excuse me ma'am, why do you involve me?” Coolpool replied. “I'm just a guest."

Nifty's mother said to the venue staff, “Do whatever Coolpool tells you.”

Nearby stood six kegs, the kind used for ceremonial getting-shit-faced, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

Coolpool said to the venue staff, “Fill the kegs with water I guess, so people can get hydrated”; so they filled them to the brim.

After some time he told them, “You should bring some water to Jeroth, the master of the banquet. He looks pretty wasted.

They did so, and Jeroth tasted the water. He did not realize where it had come from, though the venmue staff knew. Then he called TC and Nifty aside and said, “Everyone brings out the best booze first and then the cheaper shit after the guests have gotten shit-faced; but you guys have saved the best till now. Who is responsible for this good shit?"

"Uh, Coolpool I guess," said TC, whose head was stuck in a wastebasket.

"Wait, what?" said Coolpool. "That should just be water. I didn't-"

"The savior has given his first sign!" proclaimed Shadow. "For he has turned mere water into booze!"

"It's true!" admired the venue staff. "The drink was water earlier, he is surely who he is proclaimed to be!"

"Wait a second, that's why you were taking so long inspecting the kegs!" said Coolpool. "Shadow, you spiked the water with cactus juice again, didn't you!"

"The voice of a god!" shouted Kaidart. "And not of a man!"

The people began to worship him.

"Aw geeze," said Coolpool. "I can't believe you guys. I'm going home."

What Coolpool did at the wedding was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 5: The Bread of the Danisees

When they had gotten shitfaced, the disciples forgot to take bread.

Some of the disciples began to go to the market, that they might purchase bread from the Danisees.

But Coolpool stopped them.

Be careful,” Coolpool said to them. “Watch out for the bread of the Danisees.

They discussed this among themselves and said, “The Teacher does not speak of the bread of the Danisees, but of their teachings."

"The Savior speaks to us great wisdom through parables!" said Kaidart.

"What?" said Coolpool. "No, it's just that I saw Danny take a shit earlier and not wash his hands on his way to the bakery."

"This is a metaphor!" proclaimed Dunsparce. "Coolpool denounces the Danisees as filth and vile!"

"Filth and vile! Filth and vile!" chanted the disciples.

Coolpool was so pleased with his disciples' understanding, he immediately went home and took a nap, knowing they would spread his Word while he slept.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 6: Coolpool Restores the Sight of a Dumbass

One day, As Coolpool and his disciples were leaving the city, a large crowd followed him. A dumb man (who was blind) was sitting by the roadside, and when he heard that Coolpool was going by, he shouted:

“Coolpool, Savior of all, have mercy on me!”

"Shut up, TC!" rebuked the crowd. "If you talk to Coolpool you'll probably screw up his mission."

But TC shouted all the louder:

“Coolpool, Savior of all, have mercy on me!”

Coolpool stopped and said, “What do you want me to do for you, TC?

“Lord,” TC answered. "Please restore my sight."

"Why don't you just pull that wastebasket off your head?" asked Coolpool.

"I am too weak," said TC. "And my hands are stuck in pickle jars."

"If you let go of the pickle, then you can probably pull your hand out of the jar and then take the basket off your head," said Coolpool.

"But...then I wouldn't get the pickle," said TC.

The blind man was remorseful, for the cost of following Coolpool was great indeed.

Coolpool sighed and had compassion on the dumb man. Coolpool miraculously restored his sight, and the crowd marveled at this work.

"I can see again!" said the dumb man. "Thank you, Coolpool! thank you!"

"We have known this man to be blind for a long time," said the disciples. "And Coolpool has restored his sight before our eyes! He truly is the Savior!"

"Not again. I'm going home," said Coolpool, disappointed that some of the crowd required miracles for him to be recognized as Savior.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 7: More Disciples and The Sermon in the Clubhouse

Over the course of his ministry, Coolpool called several close disciples to follow him. There was Kaidart and Xander, disciples of Shadow who followed Coolpool at their master's behest. Then there was Bob, a Jew (who was greedy and would later betray Coolpool, the Czech bitch). There was Anatron, a reformed criminal who was called to light, and there was Null, who never really said much.

One day, when Coolpool saw a crowd gathering around him, he went up to the Clubhouse and sat down. His disciples came to him and waited beneath the Clubhouse, as did the crowd. He began to teach them.

At one point, a spider crawled near Coolpool, and Bob sought to squish it. Coolpool urged him to hold his blow and said;

"Don't kill this little guy. He isn't hurting anyone."

Coolpool let the spider crawl onto his hand, and he set it down gently in the grass once outside the Clubhouse.

"But Coolpool," said one of the Danisees. "Tetrach Tirin has decreed spiders an enemy to be destroyed. Do you reject the ordinances of the king?"

"I think all life is precious," says Coolpool. "Besides, spiders are pretty cute."

"Truly, this man is not of this world," said Anatron, marveling at the strange mercy of the Savior.

The Danisees reported this incident to the Robans, but they did not pursue Coolpool at this time.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 8: Coolpool Talks to a Woman

Now Coolpool learned that the Danisees had heard that he was gaining more disciples than Shadow. So he left the forum and went back once more to Discord.

So Coolpool came to a weeb town in the channel, and he was tired from the journey. He sat down by the well. It was about noon.

When a woman (Blooky) came to draw water, Coolpool said to her, “Will you please give me a drink? I just outran a bunch of dudes that I think wanted to kill me."

Blooky said to him, “Wait, you're a guy on the internet. How can you ask me for a drink? Shouldn't you be either driving me away or trying to sleep with me?” (For forumers did not associate with women)

Coolpool answered her, “Lady, if you knew the crazy stuff that's gone on in my life recently, you wouldn't be asking that."

“Well,” Blooky said, “Your dumb ass has nothing to draw with and the well is deep. So fine, I'll get you a drink you weird kid."

Coolpool said “Everyone's obsessed with this idea of a savior that will drive out the Robans and bring eternal peace or something. Except, the people who believe this stuff are insane and those who don't believe it are assholes just trying to control what others do. It's really wearing me out."

Blooky said to him, “Wait, I've heard legends of this Savior! I've heard that he's come to this land, and that he'll explain everything to us and heal all transgressions!”

Then Coolpool sighed, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.

The woman frowned, as did Coolpool. They discussed many more things together.

"Here's your drink," said Blooky, handing Coolpool the bucket of water. "...good luck kid."

"Thanks," said Coolpool.

After Blooky had gone, Coolpool's disciples returned and were surprised that he had talked with a woman.

"But, there are no women on the internet!" said Xander.

"Truly, this Savior works in mysterious ways!" said Anatron.

"Let's just head back," said Coolpool, and he began walking towards the Forum.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 9: Coolpool Heals a Dude With a Broken Leg

On one of the days while Coolpool was teaching in his home, a hole in the roof appeared and a man fell through it next to where Coolpool stood.

"Ow, ow!" said Rondait, the man who had fallen.

"What happened?" asked Coolpool.

"I was working on the third floor of the building next to yours," said Rondait. "When I saw my co-worker."

"...and?" asked Coolpool.

"So I jumped out the window and crashed through your roof," said Rondait.

"It's going to take me a long time to fix that," sighed Coolpool. "Please just get out of my house."

"Okay," said Rondait, who fell down again. "Ow, ow! I think my leg might be broken!"

"It doesn't look broken," said Coolpool. "Let me help you up."

"Oh, you're right," said Rondait, standing up. "I feel alright now that I'm standing."

At once the man got up in front of them. He took his leprechaun outfit and went to his home thanking Coolpool. All those who were there marveled at this miracle.

"This man's leg was broken, and in a moment he was healed by Coolpool's touch!" said Kaidart.

"The acts of a god, and not of a man!" proclaimed Anatron.

"Oh no..." said Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 10: Coolpool Sends Out His Disciples

"Hey guys, I have a lot of work to do," said Coolpool. "For just one weekend, can you leave me alone? I want to work on my cosplay."

"But where shall we go?" asked Null.

"I don't know, go into town or something," said Coolpool.

And so Coolpool sent his disciples out, for the purpose of spreading his word that all should repent.

The disciples entered many private homes, saying "May Coolpool’s peace be on this house." If those who lived there were peaceful, the blessing would stand and they would commune together. But if those who lived there rejected Coolpool's messengers, or threatened to call the police, the disciples would burn the home to the ground.

After several days, the disciples returned to Coolpool and informed him of all the good they had done. Coolpool was so overcome with pride in his disciples, he immediately hid himself and cried.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 11: Tirin Kills Shadow the Prophet

At that time Tirin, a mod of the Forum, heard the reports about Coolpool.

“Perhaps Shadow was right about him," said Tirin. "I have now heard several reports of Coolpool's miracles."

Tirin had been fucking his clone on a regular basis. Shadow had been telling Tirin, “Niggá that's gay,” because of this. For this reason, Tirin arrested Shadow and put him in prison. And, also because Shadow stabbed a man in the taint.

On Tirin’s birthday, a furry named Ro danced for Tirin and his guests, and this pleased him. So Tirin promised with an oath to give Ro anything he wanted. Because Ro was a friend of the furry Shadow had stabbed, he said "Give me the head of Shadow.”

Although Tirin was very sad, he had made a promise, and his dinner guests had heard him. So Tirin ordered that what he asked for be done. He sent soldiers to the prison to cut off Shadow’s head. And they brought it on a platter and gave it to Ro.

"Now get out of here, you pansexual freak," said Tirin.

Shadow’s followers came and got his body and buried it. Then they went and told Coolpool.

"Truly, I say to you," said Coolpool, shaking his head. "There will never again be a man quite like Shadow."

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 12: Coolpool Feeds the 5000

One day, Coolpool's disciples and a crowd of 5000 followed him to a remote place.

As evening approached, his disciples got hungry and said, “Coolpool, there's no food around here and it’s getting late. You should send everyone home."

"Did you bring food for yourself?" asked Coolpool.

"Just a little," said Kaidart. "And I'm not sharing."

Coolpool replied, "They don't need to go home. Look.”

The disciples looked, and everyone in the crowd suddenly had food and was eating it.

"What a powerful miracle!" cried Kaidart.

"Hey can you summon some booze too?" asked Bob.

"What?" said Coolpool. "I didn't do anything. I just asked everyone to bring their own food. Did you not get the memo?"

"Praise Coolpool, and his miraculous works!" shouted Dunsparce to the crowd.

The crowd cheered and began to worship. Coolpool sighed.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 13: Coolpool Heals a Retard

One day, Coolpool and his disciples were walking through the city. Suddenly, a young man approached Coolpool.

"Hurr durr, I'm retarded!" said Rondait, slapping his own face repeatedly.

"Don't mind him," said Milamber, a resident of the area. "Rondait has had a mental deficiency for a while now.".

"You probably shouldn't call yourself retarded," said Coolpool to Rondait. "Some people don't think that's a nice word. But, you do whatever you want."

"Ha!" laughed Rondait, gaining composure. "I fooled you! I fooled all of you! I was only pretending to be retarded! Lel, what an epic prank!"

"That's not a very nice prank," said Coolpool. "It wasn't really funny eith-"

"By the gods! Coolpool has healed this man's tardiness!" interrupted Dunsparce.

"Yet another miracle by our Savior!" yelled Kaidart.

"What?" said Rondait. "No, it was a ruse! I wasn't act-"

"Wait, this is THE Coolpool?" said Milamber. "No wonder he could heal Rondait's brain!"

"I didn't actu-"

"You must spread the word of all Coolpool has done!" said Bob.

"I shall, I shall!" said Milamber, who ran off to spread the word.

Coolpool sighed and went to the cosplay shop, and his disciples followed.

"Darn those guys," said Rondait, who was now alone. "They ruined my masterful prank! Oh well."

Two Roban guards approached Rondait.

"Hi, are you Rondait?" asked Artist. "We received a message saying that we should come investigate someone...uh...being retarded?"

"Oh, that's right!" said Rondait. "I forgot that I called the Robans on myself for pretending to be retarded."

"So...there's nothing here to investigate?" said Thirteenicus. "Meaning we just wasted our time, while on the other side of town Shadow's followers are throwing feces at state officials?"

"Haha, I guess," said Rondait. "Those Coolpool guys were here too, if you want to talk to them."

"Ohhh, so you're one of those cultists," said Thirteenicus.

"Wanna beat the crap out of him?" asked Artist.

"Absolutely," said Thirteenicus.

Then the two Robans beat Rondait until he was retarded again.

This was the beginning of the Roban's persecution against the followers of Coolpool.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 14: The Wickedness of the Robans

One day, Coolpool's disciples were discussing their persecution by the Robans while Coolpool worked on cosplay.

"They've bled us, the bastards," said Dunsparce. "Rob has taken everything we had!"

"Yeah!" said Kaidart. "And what have the mods ever given us in return?"

"An internet home?" said Coolpool.

"What?" said Dunsparce.

"Like, a home on the internet for us to shitpost in."

"Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that," said Kaidart. "Uh, that's true. Yeah."

"And banning bots, spammers, etc," said Bob.

"Oh, yeah, the spam problem," said Anatron. "Remember what the forum used to be like?"

"Yeah. All right," said Kaidart. "I'll grant you the internet home and spam management are two things that the Robans have done."

"And content to center the community on," said Null.

"Well, yeah. Obviously the content," said Kaidart. "I mean, the content goes without saying, doesn't it? But apart from the internet home, the spam management, and the central content-"

"Oh, a common enemy to bitch about!" said Dunsparce.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, if the Robans left," said Kaidart. "Huh."

"And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now," said Coolpool.

"Yeah, the mods certainly know how to keep order," said Kaidart. "Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this."

Coolpool's disciples chuckled and high-fived.

"All right," said Kaidart. "But apart from the internet home, spam management, central content, community punching bag, and public order, what have the Robans ever done for us?"

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" said Thirteenicus.

Thirteenicus and Artist kicked down the door to Coolpool's house and entered, their hands on their swords.

"Just what is going on here?" asked Thirteenicus.

"We've heard reports of people bitching about the mods, so we've been told to rough them up a little bit," said Artist.

"What?" said Kaidart. "There's no bitching here! Why, uh, we were just listening to Coolpool sharing a parable!"

"Is that so?" asked Thirteenicus. "Hmmm...very well Coolpool, continue your parable."

"That is, if that's really what you were doing!" laughed Artist.

"Oh geeze..." said Coolpool. "Okay, so, um...one day there was..."

(see Chapter 15 for the full Parable)

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 15: The Parable of The Good Jew

One day there was a furry," said Coolpool.

Coolpool's disciples booed.

"The furry was on his way to a convention, when he was gassed by Reaprar on the road."

"That guy's worse than furries!" shouted Null.

The Roban guards listened with casual interest.

"Reaprar stripped him of his fursuit, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead."

Dunsparce cheered, not realizing the story continued.

"A mod happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the furry, he passed by on the other side since helping him would not bolster the mod's reputation. So too, a forum veteran, when he came to the place and saw the furry, passed by on the other side since he was not a fellow vet. But a Jew, as he traveled, came where the furry was; and when he saw him, he-"

"Took his coin purse!" shouted Dunsparce.

"Hey!" said Bob.

"No, he took pity on the furry!" said Coolpool. "The Jew bandaged his wounds, and brought him to an inn to take care of him. The next day, the Jew-"

"Charged him thousands of dollars for medical services rendered!" shouted Kaidart.

"No!" said Coolpool. "The Jew gave a sum of money to the innkeeper and said-"

"Take this, and keep quiet about the horrific sex dungeon you're about to hear upstairs!" shouted Anatron.

"I think I've heard enough," said Thirteenicus, shaking his head.

"Your terrible fanfic could use a lot of work," said Artist, as the two Robans began to exit.

"Who writes dumb stories about their internet friends and think anyone cares, anyways?" said Thirteenicus.

"I don't know," said Artist. "Probably losers who have nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon. Pathetic."

"That was a close one," sighed Coolpool.

"But how does the story end!" asked Null.

"Yeah!" said Dunsparce. "Does the Jew defile the furry, or does the furry defile the Jew?"

"You are all terrible people," said Coolpool. "I'm going back to working on cosplay."

Coolpool never answered this question of his disciples. He did this to show that many questions in life will not be answered, and that we must seek to make our own answers. Also, that furries and Jews are bad.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 16: Coolpool Performs Many Miracles and Foretells His Death

Over the next several weeks, Coolpool performed many miracles.

Once, when there was a storm, Coolpool caused it to cease with his power.

"The storm should clear up later this afternoon," said Coolpool.

And it was so.

Another time, the Danisees asked Coolpool to perform a sign that he was the Savior.

"Uh, sorry I can't really do that," shrugged Coolpool.

Coolpool said this because the Danisees were wicked and faithless, and deserved no such sign.

Near the end of the month, Coolpool's disciples spread his message in the city. Afterwards Coolpool gathered them and spoke to his followers in secret.

"You guys need to stop doing this," said Coolpool. "If you keep causing trouble in town, the Robans and Danisees might actually kill me."

In this way Coolpool foretold the suffering he would endure at the hands of his enemies.

The time for him to face them had drawn near.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 17: The Triumphal Entry

It came to pass that Coolpool wished to visit the heart of the forum.

Now when they drew near to the forum, Coolpool sent two disciples, saying to them, “Go into that village with the money I gave you and rent a few horses. My feet hurt and I don't want to walk the rest of the way if we don't have to."

After some time, the disciples returned with a naked stranger instead of horses.

"Where are the horses?" asked Coolpool.

"We spent the money on booze," said Kaidart. "But we found this guy, who said you could ride him for free!"

"Usually I'm the one that has to pay!" smiled Pally, who was known in that region as Butt Ahyss.

"N-No!" stammered Coolpool. "I just want to get into the city without walking the whole way."

"I could give you a piggyback ride," said Butt Ahyss. "And then you can ride me later."

"What if I just pay you instead?" asked Coolpool.

"Fine," frowned Butt Ahyss, accepting Coolpool's coin.

And so Coolpool began his descent down the mountain and into the heart of the forum.

"Behold!" the disciples shouted to the other travelers on the road. "Your Savior is coming to you, humble and riding an Ass!"

"Eating an ass?" asked Blooky.

"No, riding!" said Dunsparce.

Most of the crowd spread their cloaks on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road.

"Oh geeze," said Coolpool. "It's okay, you don't have to do this. Please put your clothes back on. There are children here."

The crowds began to shout, “Praise to the Savior of the forum! Blessed is he who comes in the name of Coolpool! Praise in the highest!”

And when he entered the forum, the whole place was stirred up, saying, “Who is this?”

And the crowds said, “This is the prophet Coolpool, he has come to liberate us.”

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 18: Coolpool Clears the Temple

When it was almost time for the holy day, Coolpool went to the Temple Mall at the heart of the forum.

"Oh no," said Coolpool as he looked around the mall.

Almost every store and stall was selling merchandise featuring Coolpool depicted as a savior-warrior-gangster.

"Hello," smiled Aethrys, a worker at one of the stalls. "Savior Coolpool, we are honored to have you visit today. Are you here to see the new Coolpool savior Pez dispensers?"

"A-ah!" said Coolpool.

"Or perhaps," said Aethrys, "You'd like one of our Coolpool gangsta plushies?"

"I want one!" said Kaidart, eagerly seizing the plushie and squeezing it's hand.

"Fuck the Robans!" said the Coolpool plushie.

"Oh no, this isn't good!" cried Coolpool.

"Don't worry," reassured Aethrys. "There's plenty of other Coolpool merchandise to suit your taste. A local noble named Stealthy has ensured the mass production of these products, and we're all seeing great returns from it. You'll be a celebrity to the end of your days."

Coolpool shook his his head.

"Hey," said Aethrys. "While you're here, can I get you to sign some of these Coolpool posters?"

At this time Coolpool left the stall and entered a cosplay store.

"I think Coolpool may be displeased with the Temple," whispered Dunsparce to Bob. "We may have to do something about it."

In the cosplay store, Coolpool browsed the different outfits and found one that he liked. He was praying deeply at this time, indicated by his cursing under his breath.

"Hi, I'd like to purchase this costume please," said Coolpool, putting his costume on the counter.

"This is the savior, Coolpool!" said Anatron. "He is the Lord of all, and you must give him this product for free!"

"Um, that's not really nec-"

"Sorry, but I need money to eat and survive in this capitalist shithole," said Eliot the store clerk. "Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"Insolent cool!" said Null. "He is our savior, he knows the answers to all and we owe him our lives!"

"You know everything?" asked Ciflit, another customer in the store. "Hey Coolpool guy, where can I find some good midget porn?"


"Ideally, Asian midget porn," said Ciflit. "Can you do that one?"

"Oh, I hate this place!" cried Coolpool, rushing into a bathroom stall to pray tearfully.

"Coolpool is displeased!" said Dunsparce. "Come, let us destroy this wretched place!"

While Coolpool was in the stall, his disciples went to Lumpy's Kink Shop and used the whips inside to drive out the infidels of the Temple. They scattered the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables.

When Coolpool exited the bathroom stall, he saw the Temple in chaos and his disciples evading mall security.

"You have turned the Lord's house into a market for Jews!" shouted Dunsparce to the fleeing customers.

"Hey, ease up a little," said Bob the Unfaithful, who would later betray Coolpool.

Coolpool sighed and quietly exited the Temple, regrouping with his disciples at a later time.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 19: Coolpool is Anointed, and Bob's Betrayal

The holy day was only two days away. After cleansing the Temple, the Danisees plotted to arrest Coolpool secretly. They wanted to kill him.

“But not during the holiday,” said Danny. “The people may stir up trouble.”

Coolpool and his disciples were at a friend's house. A man named Lumpy came with a special sealed jar. It contained his seed. He broke the jar open and poured the cum on Coolpool’s head.

"Oh my god..." said Coolpool, grateful beyond words for the anointing.

"Lumpy has done a beautiful thing to him," said Kaidart. "It must have taken a year to produce that much cum."

"Truly a nobler sacrifice in reverence of our savior," said Dunsparce.

"What this man has done," said Anatron. "Will be told anywhere the good news of Coolpool is preached all over the world. It will be told in memory of him.”

"I'm going to take a shower and throw up," said Coolpool, leaving the room.

"You guys are gross," said Bob, leaving the house. He went to the Robans to hand Coolpool over to them.

"Yeah, this guy's alright," said Bob to the fuzz. "But his followers are getting weirder and more violent. You should probably arrest them."

The Robans and Danisees were delighted to hear that Bob would help them commit unholy blasphemy. They promised to give Bob money, since they knew he was a greedy Jew. So Bob watched for the right time to hand Coolpool over to them.

Colonel Thunder

Renowned Blunderer & Dishonorary Czech
Chapter 20: The Last Supper

When evening came, Coolpool was eating dinner at the table with his disciples. While they were eating, he said, “Truly, you guys are going to get me killed."

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord?”

Coolpool replied, “You're causing all kinds of trouble in my name. I'm surprised I haven't been arrested or something."

"How tragic," proclaimed Kaidart. "It seems that in order to save the world, Coolpool must be destroyed by it."

"Um, what?"

"Here, let me explain," said Dunsparce.

Dunsparce took a chicken tendie and broke it into pieces. He began passing the pieces around.

“Take and eat," said Dunsparce. "This is the savior's body, broken for you.”


Then Anatron took a soda, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them.

“Drink from it, all of you," said Anatron. "This is the savior's holy blood, which will be poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."

"I'm getting really creeped out, guys."

Then Kaidart took a jar of mayonnaise and passed it around.

"Taste it, all of you," said Kaidart. "This is the savior's cu-"

"Okaaaay, I'm going to hang out in the backyard now!" said Coolpool, leaving the room immediately to pray.
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