So... I've never seen Star Wars...

[13thforsworn]

Just watched Episode V. It's so weird seeing things I've heard about in context. The Battle of Hoth wasn't the climax, it was the very beginning. And they lost too. Finally seeing the "No, I am your father", which I've learned has been serially misquoted. Interestingly enough, I had no prior knowledge of the whole Lando Calrissian and the city in the sky plot point, which was nice for a change to not know or have some idea of what was happening.

Also, Han Solo is super rapey. I feel like I need a whistle or something... Ah, the 80s...

 

[Colonel Thunder]

Yeah, Empire Strikes Back does portray Han as kind of rapey by today's standards.

Also, you've been introduced to Boba Fett now. So that's cool. Does the world's obsession with him make sense to you yet?

 

[13thforsworn]

Also, you've been introduced to Boba Fett now. So that's cool. Does the world's obsession with him make sense to you yet?

No, he literally did nothing the entire movie except complain to Vader that he NEEDS Han alive and then flies off with Han.

 

[Frilzer]

Please continue watching and reporting. I find it super interesting.

 

[13thforsworn]

I'm gonna try to watch Episode VI tonight, but I might not get around to it since it's Christmas Eve for me and I'm doing family stuff. We'll see.

 

[Null Hypothesis]

Episode VI is a great way to spend Christmas Eve.

 

[13thforsworn]

Alright, so I got around to watching Episode VI. Probably my favorite one, since it wrapped up the original trilogy. I had completely forgotten there was a Death Star II, which explains why I have seen images of both the complete and under construction Death Stars. A couple of things;

First, the whole "Leia is your sister" thing was pretty underwhelming. I knew it was coming, so of course the impact of the moment was going to be dampened anyway, but it didn't seem to have the same shock value as "No, I am your father." I could really feel the "OH SHIT, NO FUCKING WAY" that people must have felt when it was revealed that Vader was Luke's father, even though I knew it was coming, but the sister thing did not have any of that at all. It was all like, "SHE'S YOUR SISTER DUDE", and he's like, "Ya, I know". REALLY DUDE?!?! Ya, I get the Force gives you super tingly feelings that let you connect to your family, but I felt like this should have been a bigger moment.

Ewoks are baller. Watching them beat on Stormtroopers was such a joy, it had me smiling from ear to ear the entire time. 10/10, would throw buckets of rocks on my enemies again.

Boba Fett is like the most overhyped character of all time. He's a dude in a cool suit of armour who does nothing. Manz got eaten by a giant wailing tentacle vagina monster in the sand because his jetpack malfunctioned in the process of being useless to protect Jaba the Hutt. That spinoff Disney is doing on him better be fucking awesome, because his death was really fucking lame for a dude who is almost universally loved (or so it seems).

I think that the Emperor's death was kind of odd. Vader literally picked him up and carried him like 15 feet while all he did was shoot lightning into the air. He does end up mortally wounding Vader in the process, but did little to try to save himself. I think a cooler way of killing the emperor would have been if Vader had Force-grabbed Luke's lightsaber and killed the emperor with it, signifying his return to the good side of the Force by using the green and not red lightsaber. It wouldn't really give the emperor a way of also killing Vader, but I guess maybe he could have somehow still electrocuted him somehow. I dunno, that's just my idea.

Actually seeing Star Wars gave me an appreciation for just how cool Darth Vader is as a character. I think he was quite sinister, but he was more complex than just "evil because evil". I liked that he seemed more indentured to the emperor than truly loyal to him. Also, his mask is awesome. Didn't realize it was made up of three pieces.

I'm surprised Lando Calrissian survived the entire series. I was expecting him to die even back when watching Episode V, and I thought he was for sure going to die when destroying the Death Star II, especially when Han said he had a feeling he'd never see the Millennium Falcon again. I guess good job Lando for surviving?

Green squad guy literally 9/11 kamakazied the Super Star Destroyer, resulting in its destruction. Who would have thought that blowing up the command bridge would disable the entire ship, allowing it to collapse into the side of the Death Star? It just doesn't seem possible... Must have been an inside job. Steel beams...

I only realized when Yoda died that Obi-Wan was also dead. I thought he had used some sort of jedi disappearing act to evade Vader's lightsaber in episode IV. His cloak just dropped to ground. No severed body parts. Guess only hands are allowed to be cut off in Star Wars. Whatever, jedis get to be ghosts in the afterlife, so suck it, everyone else. Speaking of ghost jedi, why did George Lucas make me look at Hayden Christensen's (Anakin Skywalker in the prequels) stupid smug face in the remastered version? God damn it George...

All in all, I really enjoyed the original Star Wars trilogy, and I'm glad to be partially up to speed with modern pop culture. I'm pretty tired and it's like 5 am, so if I think of anything else to add, I'll edit this post or make a new one tomorrow.

Now, onto the prequels... *sigh*

 

[Firedemon]

Boba Fett is like the most overhyped character of all time. He's a dude in a cool suit of armour who does nothing. Manz got eaten by a giant wailing tentacle vagina monster in the sand because his jetpack malfunctioned in the process of being useless to protect Jaba the Hutt. That spinoff Disney is doing on him better be fucking awesome, because his death was really fucking lame for a dude who is almost universally loved (or so it seems).

Yeah, everyone was pissed about him dying that way. Boba Fett was never intended to be important or loved like he became, but everyone thought they were building him up as this mysterious, bad ass bounty hunter, when really he just didn't have much to him at all and he was a throw away character. So basically, everyone fell in love with where they thought the character would go; they loved his potential. To make up for this, there was quite a bit of him in the Expanded Universe, as they'd realized by then how much everyone loved Boba Fett and expected more, and (exceedingly minor spoiler) they ended up putting his origins in the prequels.

 

[Null Hypothesis]

Yeah, Boba Fett became a huge deal in the Expanded Universe. Basically an emotionless badass who always got the job done no matter how hard or how many people he had to flush out the airlock.

The original Anakin Skywalker ghost was some random old guy. I guess they were going for "This is what Anakin would have looked like if he didn't go all cyborg suit Vader."

Don't let Hayden Christensen's acting as Anakin ruin your view of Darth Vader when you watch the prequels.

Oh and the whole disappearing when you die is called, "becoming one with the force." Some Jedi when they died they would become one with the force and leave no body behind. Some Jedi don't and leave a corpse. Usually only really powerful Jedi in the E.U. would become one with the force when they died. If I remember right it's also only a Jedi thing, I can't remember any Sith that became one with the force when they died unless they turned to the light side first.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

I've really enjoyed this dissertation 13th. Please do the same for the prequels, even if they're much less enjoyable.

 

[Tirin]

Boba Fett's death was really fucking lame.

>death

I think that the Emperor's death was kind of odd. Vader literally picked him up and carried him like 15 feet while all he did was shoot lightning into the air. He does end up mortally wounding Vader in the process, but did little to try to save himself.

Vader is stronk as fuck in the Force, he totally Force Gripped the Emperor into not being able to move. Also he would lose a duel against the Emperor, so that's prettymuch right out.

If I remember right it's also only a Jedi thing, I can't remember any Sith that became one with the force when they died unless they turned to the light side first.

This isn't the case, there are a few Sith who end up as ghosts.

 

[13thforsworn]

Vader is stronk as fuck in the Force, he totally Force Gripped the Emperor into not being able to move. Also he would lose a duel against the Emperor, so that's prettymuch right out.

Force Grip makes sense I guess. In the case of the lightsaber, I don't think a duel would ensue. In my mind I imagined that the Emperor would be busy zapping Luke and that Vader would just cut him down from behind, instead of grabbing him. Plus, the Emperor concedes that he was unarmed when tempting Luke to use his anger and hate to attack him.

***

Watched Episode I. Not as bad as I thought it would be. As usual, here are my scatter-brained thoughts, typed out as they come to mind;

The plot is really bizarre. Kind of just a rollercoaster of "what the fuck?" throughout. It seems like an odd choice to centre the main conflict around the Trade Federation and Nadoo. Why the fuck do the Sith care about taxation of trade routes? I guess the next movie will explain that, but it just seems like an odd choice. I felt like it was a small conflict between two planets, and nothing along the scale of the previous trilogy's war between the oppressive Empire and the Alliance freedom fighters.

Little Anikan Skywalker's acting was unconvincing, though the kid was like 8, so I can let that slide. That angel pickup like was pretty baller though.

Why the fuck is the main power supply in the starship hanger bay of the control station? And unshielded? Anikan hit it by accident, and the whole thing fucking exploded. That's a worse design flaw than in the Death Star(s).

Jar Jar Binks... why... I get that George Lucas wanted an "unexpected hero" kind of character, saving the day by accident, but why must that character be so fucking annoying?

I had no idea going into the movie that it was Obi-Wan that killed Darth Maul. I always assumed that the jedi with the ponytail and braid was teenager Anikan, and that the movie showed him growing up from little Ani to teenaged Ani. Also, where the fuck were they fighting? It transitions from the Nadoo palace to... walkways and bottomless pits with random laser shield doors? Where in a palace would one find such a place, and why is it like three hallways away from any sensible place to be in the palace?

I know that Senator Palpatine is actually Darth Sidius due to spoilers, but why do they make it so fucking obvious? That must have been a huge letdown for movie viewers when it first came out. I would say that they didn't even try to hide it if it hadn't been for the hood.

Padme. I like her. Didn't realize she was young Natalie Portman. Now I know why I like her. I wish I knew her. I think the decoy plot point was actually really good, and had I not had some notion of it coming into the movie beforehand, I wouldn't have seen it coming. It was a nice twist.

The droid armies were pretty cool. The way they could be deployed from transport racks was brilliant, in my opinion.

The lack of meaningful R2D2 heroics was disappointing. A thing I loved about the original trilogy was R2's "the little droid that could" role, always coming to the rescue and being adorable at the same time with his beep boop bopping.

 

[Null Hypothesis]

On the plus side if you go into the prequel trilogy thinking they will be as bad as the fanbase says they are you get to be surprised that they are decent movies in there own right. Sure they don't measure up to the original trilogy and they aren't great movies, but neither are they bad movies.

So originally Naboo was supposed to be Alderaan, they only changed it when they thought Jar Jar was going to be a marketable character and they didn't like the idea of the implied genocide of his entire race.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

The plot is really bizarre. Kind of just a rollercoaster of "what the fuck?" throughout. It seems like an odd choice to centre the main conflict around the Trade Federation and Nadoo. Why the fuck do the Sith care about taxation of trade routes? I guess the next movie will explain that.

Hoo boy.

 

[Frilzer]

I basically had the same thoughts about ep 1 when it came out when I was... 8 years old? Yeah. Except for understanding the whole trade route stuff. And the politics.

 

[13thforsworn]

So Episode II... Where do I begin?

People said that Episode I was the worst, but man was the first half of Episode II painful to watch. Anikan's character is so unlikable, it hurts. The notion that he becomes Darth Vader is laughable, how someone so arrogant and whiny like as Anikan become such a stoic and sinister character? I feel like they really dropped the ball with Anikan.

The idea that stormtroopers are just clones of the same dude is pretty disheartening, Somehow the thought of them being clones and not individual conscripted soldiers diminishes the great military power that the Empire commands in the original trilogy.

That being said, the second half of the movie, the "attack of the clones" at least picked up the movie a bit with some action. Those Republic assault ships are fucking awesome, I've loved the way they look ever since I was a kid, even though I had never watched the movies. Seeing them in action rekindled some child-like joy in me.

So... send the entire legion of Jedi Knights, many of which would be killed... to save Obi-Wan? That's some "Saving Private Ryan" shit right there. Makes absolutely no sense.

Padme. Still hot. At least she's like 20 in this movie, so I don't feel like a pedophile.

So the Trade Federation and the Sith are still dicking around with droid armies and the like. Still no hint of an explanation. Gonna have to wait for the third episode? That's fair I suppose, as long as they make the intrigue worth it. At least they have some separatist action going on, makes the conflict a little more real. But just a little. I don't feel they have given me a reason to really care about the senate or the separatist conflict. So several thousand star systems split off. So what? They haven't given this prospect of a divide enough gravity for the audience to care or fear the consequences. The only thing that I care about in regards to the TF shenanigans is their assassination attempt on Padme. Can they fucking not?

So does the colour of the lightsaber matter at all? The Jedi all have green or blue lightsabers, except for Mace Windu, who get a swanky purple one. Are any more powerful than the other? Does having a red one automatically mean you're a Sith?

I'm not a fan of prequel Obi-Wan. He seems really overbearing. I know you have to live a little longer to qualify as a wise old man, but he seems so unlike the wise old Obi-Wan from the trilogy. For this reason I can let it slide a little, as Obi-Wan is learning to be a teacher just as Anikan is learning to be a Jedi, but it doesn't mean I like it.

I don't think the "Boba Fett is born from the Jedi killing his father" plot point that I imagine will spring from Jango's death will work out. Boba Fett shows no ill contempt for Jedi in the original series other than getting paid to fuck shit up, of which one particular Jedi is included. Just doesn't translate well.

All in all, Episode II felt like a mess, with some redeeming qualities in the later half, enough to make me forget about the first half a bit and get some enjoyment from the movie. By far the least enjoyable of the movies up to this point. I think this is the first "bad" movie in the series, as much as people seem to hate Episode I. Episode I was not necessarily a "good movie", but I enjoyed myself pretty much the entire way through, as bizarre as the plot was.

 

[Colonel Thunder]

The idea that stormtroopers are just clones of the same dude is pretty disheartening, Somehow the thought of them being clones and not individual conscripted soldiers diminishes the great military power that the Empire commands in the original trilogy.

If it helps, by the time the Original Trilogy rolls around only about 1/3 of that army is clones, the rest are conscripted soldiers. Of course, I think that's Expanded Universe so who knows if that's technically true anymore.

So the Trade Federation and the Sith are still dicking around with droid armies and the like. Still no hint of an explanation. Gonna have to wait for the third episode? That's fair I suppose, as long as they make the intrigue worth it.

HOO BOY

So does the colour of the lightsaber matter at all? The Jedi all have green or blue lightsabers, except for Mace Windu, who get a swanky purple one. Are any more powerful than the other? Does having a red one automatically mean you're a Sith?

Mace Windu literally only has a purple lightsaber because Samuel L. Jackson demanded it.

And yeah, red lightsabers are pretty much reserved for the Sith. Same with sweet capes and leather, the color black, etc. The Jedi just get bathrobes.

 

[Tirin]

The idea that stormtroopers are just clones of the same dude is pretty disheartening, Somehow the thought of them being clones and not individual conscripted soldiers diminishes the great military power that the Empire commands in the original trilogy.

They're not just clones, they're clones of the alleged most badass non-Force user in the galaxy - and, for that matter, they're trained from birth to fight wars. They would fucking trash conscripted soldiers.

I don't think the "Boba Fett is born from the Jedi killing his father" plot point that I imagine will spring from Jango's death will work out. Boba Fett shows no ill contempt for Jedi in the original series other than getting paid to fuck shit up, of which one particular Jedi is included. Just doesn't translate well.

Pretty hard to hate on a bunch of dudes who don't even exist anymore.

 

[Tolvan]

If it helps, by the time the Original Trilogy rolls around only about 1/3 of that army is clones, the rest are conscripted soldiers. Of course, I think that's Expanded Universe so who knows if that's technically true anymore.



HOO BOY



Mace Windu literally only has a purple lightsaber because Samuel L. Jackson demanded it.

And yeah, red lightsabers are pretty much reserved for the Sith. Same with sweet capes and leather, the color black, etc. The Jedi just get bathrobes.

In fairness to Jackson, who wouldn't want a purple lightsaber?

 

[Null Hypothesis]

Lightsaber color is more tradition then anything at this point. Expanded Universe explanation is that synthetic crystals tend to produce red blades and natural crystals produce the other colors usually blue and green. The Jedi usually had a monopoly on the natural crystals so when Sith would rebel they would have to make their own crystals.